UPJOKE
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Undercover Jokes

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

I'm an undercover cop.

I'm also bad at my job.

Why couldn’t the skeleton be an undercover cop?

Because he is a dead giveaway

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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The FBI have a job opening for an extremely undercover position

Over 50000 people apply, and they manage to rattle it down to a final 3. They are then given their final task, they will be put in a room with their wife, and they must kill them, and they give each of them a gun which they tell them to use.

The first man goes in, and they here sobbing, after...

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

how do you call undercover fashion agents who defected to another fashion magazine?

Vogue agents

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student

After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant

What do you call an undercover fruit?

An apricop


....I'll see my way out

I went undercover as a Janitor to sabotage and spy on the Kremlin

You could call me a sweeper agent.

What do you call a German involved in WW2 who went undercover after the war?

A veteranaryan.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

The best way to disguise an undercover cop car

would be to put a Black Lives Matter bumper sticker on it. Nobody's gonna think thats a cop car now.

An undercover Iranian soldier was captured by the US military and was under interrogation...

US soldier : - *smacks the captured soldier* - "who sent you?"

Iranian soldier : - "Madiq"

US soldier : - "Madiq who?"

Iranian soldier : - "Suq madiq!

What do you call a cop who’s sleeping?

A-resting undercover officer

What did Al Capone say to his capos after going out on a 1st date with an undercover cop?

She is a very good listener.

What do you call it when a soldier has to go undercover dressed as a woman?

A Transmission

I'm sick of these undercover cops always trying to bait me with online female personas.

Nice try f/bi.

What does James Bond do before going to bed

He goes undercover

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"I'm an undercover detective."

"Then why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is...

...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to go undercover

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now

We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

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An Indian, an Italian and a Jewish man go for an interview to be an undercover detective

Three men applied for the job of a
undercover detective: Johhny English from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew; and Tom Silanti, an Italian.

The chief decided to ask each applicant just one
question and base his decision upon the answer.

When Grayberg arrived for his interview, the ch...

Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.

I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..

Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop

What does a spy do when he feels cold ?

He goes undercover.

I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.

When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.

I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'

The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?

Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.

It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".

What do you call a detective in bed?

Going undercover.

(came up with this at 12am one random night)

Why do spies always wear hats?

Because they are undercover.

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

I work from home sometimes

When I'm working from home, I sometimes put a blanket over me.

You could say, I work undercover.

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

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Just a compilation of 10 corny jokes that still make me chuckle.

1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!

2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot

3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like w...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

The US government wants to test how good some of its instituions are at tracking down someone...

So they release a marked rabbit into a forest and task the CIA, the FBI and the police with finding it.

The CIA goes first. They try sattelite imagery, informants, drones, everything they can, but after six months they give up, saying that they can't find the rabbit.

Next goes the FBI....

A kid asks his greedy father money to buy a police costume for Halloween

He told him just go undercover.

Being a manutd fan these days is annoying enough as it is

the other day I was talking about how good Liverpool are and I was labelled a traitor , questioned about my loyalty and insulted.

What do they think I am ? An undercover KOP?

Last night I met a woman with two jobs. Her night job was prostitution.

Her day job was undercover cop.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

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Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

Kids grow up so quick these days...

Like just the other day, I was online talking to a 15 year old and she was an undercover cop!

What movies teach us:

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball / baseball.

4. Aliens have specia...

What's the best way to search a linen store?

Undercover.

Mexican Drug Cartel

There was a man who went by the name of Juan, who lived in Mexico with his 14 brother and his 12 sisters.

Juan was involved in some pretty shady stuff, he was a distributed of product for a local gang.
One day, there was a big argument between the leader and Juan, later, Juan came home he ...

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A game warden heard about a guy that was dynamite fishing.

He needed to arrest him, but he had to catch him in the act. One night, he found the guy down at the local bar, so he decided to go undercover. They talked for a while and finally the guy asked him if he wanted to go fishing the next day. The warden said sure.

The next day, they went out, and...

Did you hear about the bedbug?

He was undercover.

Purebred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred police dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she tele...

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