Carp is about to hit the fan.

That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy.

She was a little koi.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

Two friends are fishing for carp...

...when one of them stands up and as he does, his wallet falls into the water and slowly starts to sink to the bottom of the lake.

As he feverishly attempts to retrieve it, two huge carp appear and both grab the wallet in their mouths and start fighting over it.

The second guy turns to...

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

I had a Fish

That could breakdance, on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once.

Did You Hear About The Preist That Was A Fish?

Holy Carp! There he is

I could fish for upvotes...

But what would be the purpoise of that when I could tell a carp joke instead

Just finished building doors for my fish.

I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic goes to a fish restaurant.

"You guys are out of order," he complains. "I can't believe you serve shit to your customers!"

"You mean the carp, sir?" asks the waiter.

[True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead

Tastes like carp.

GOB Bluth started his own school for young magicians

For the second class, he decided to teach the children some of the classic transformation illusions. He showed them flowers-to-doves, doves-to-rabbits, and rabbits-to-carp.

Then he showed them carp-to-rats and his most enthusiastic student asked, "Does it have to be carp and rats, Uncle GOB? ...

God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...

He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with"

"Of course my lord, what is it you wish?"

"I wish for you to fill it with carp!"

Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi-

"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**"
<...

A man walks into a fishmongers...

...with a carp under his arm. He asks the man behind the counter "Do you sell fishcakes?" The fishmonger says "Why, yes we do". "Fantastic!" exclaims the man, pointing to the fish under his arm "It's his birthday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New US dollar announced today...

They've decided to change the motto. After much pressure from atheist groups, they're removing 'In God We Trust' and going back to Latin. However, 'E Pluribus Unum' sounds too foreign and reeks of socialism, so they're going with a more simple and straightforward 'Carpe Vulva'.

The runner up ...

I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Game Warden goes fishing [long]

This fellow got hired by the Conservation Department as a game warden. He just loved all things hunting and fishing, and being new in town, started asking around where the good fishing holes were. Finally he came to this little country bar, and asked the bartender. "Charlie catches more fish than...

Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies are drinking at a bar..

.. having a good time. The older man mentions that he needs some relationship advice, that he has a big-time crush but isn't sure if they reciprocate.

The younger guy encourages him, saying he just needs to communicate it or maybe booze dat ass up and see where things go.

The older gu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.