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Carp Jokes

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

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My Japanese carp recently got a new aquarium, but they're hiding in rocks and not coming out so much.

They're acting a bit koi.

Carp is about to hit the fan.

That's right, I'm going fishing in a helicopter!

I had a Fish

That could breakdance, on the carpet, for 20 seconds, only once.

I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy.

She was a little koi.

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

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A man is looking for a long lost treasure and comes across an old witch.

He says, "I'm looking for the Treasure of the Hidden Sea. Do you know where to find it?"

She smiles and says, "I do. But there is a price to pay if you do."

"I'll pay anything," the man says knowing that he's been looking for this treasure for three decades. "Just tell me how to get ...

"Dad, I want a dog for Christmas!"

"No way son, we'll have a carp like every year."

Stop me if you've heard this one

A person was fishing off of a pier and somehow dropped their wallet into the water. A fish came by and took the wallet in it's fish mouth. It was a carp. A larger fish came by and took the wallet out of the carp's fish mouth. It was also a carp. This was the first known instance of carp to carp wall...

God: Noah, it’s time to build another boat.

Noah: Oh, so soon! But hey, you are the boss. So the same, animals, two by two?

God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish.

God (again): Also, build it with more than one deck.

Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it b...

A fisherman is looking for an extra set of hands on his boat ...

He goes into town to try and hire some help. He meets a man and asks him if he'd be interested in a job on his boat. The man replies "I'd definitely be interested, what does it pay?" The fisherman replies "I don't have a lot of cash, but I can pay you one fish per day." The man immediately respo...

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

What is the one thing fishermens are afraid of?

Getting carp-al tunnel

I get confused with these Latin phrases.

Is it carpe tunnel or per diem?

GOB Bluth started his own school for young magicians

For the second class, he decided to teach the children some of the classic transformation illusions. He showed them flowers-to-doves, doves-to-rabbits, and rabbits-to-carp.

Then he showed them carp-to-rats and his most enthusiastic student asked, "Does it have to be carp and rats, Uncle GOB? ...

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

Did You Hear About The Preist That Was A Fish?

Holy Carp! There he is

God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...

He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with"

"Of course my lord, what is it you wish?"

"I wish for you to fill it with carp!"

Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi-

"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**"
<...

Sign above an Instagram entrepreneur's door:

"Carpe DM"

I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

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A dyslexic goes to a fish restaurant.

"You guys are out of order," he complains. "I can't believe you serve shit to your customers!"

"You mean the carp, sir?" asks the waiter.

A man walks into a fishmongers...

...with a carp under his arm. He asks the man behind the counter "Do you sell fishcakes?" The fishmonger says "Why, yes we do". "Fantastic!" exclaims the man, pointing to the fish under his arm "It's his birthday!"

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Game Warden goes fishing [long]

This fellow got hired by the Conservation Department as a game warden. He just loved all things hunting and fishing, and being new in town, started asking around where the good fishing holes were. Finally he came to this little country bar, and asked the bartender. "Charlie catches more fish than...

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New US dollar announced today...

They've decided to change the motto. After much pressure from atheist groups, they're removing 'In God We Trust' and going back to Latin. However, 'E Pluribus Unum' sounds too foreign and reeks of socialism, so they're going with a more simple and straightforward 'Carpe Vulva'.

The runner up ...

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Two buddies are drinking at a bar..

.. having a good time. The older man mentions that he needs some relationship advice, that he has a big-time crush but isn't sure if they reciprocate.

The younger guy encourages him, saying he just needs to communicate it or maybe booze dat ass up and see where things go.

The older gu...

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