Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish.

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

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What's the difference between an oyster salesman with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Well, one shucks between fits...

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

A visit from the ethics committee and your funding taken away.

Making Rocky Mountain Oysters is tough work

It takes balls.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

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What's worse than eating 11 oysters off your grandma's private parts

Realising you only put 10

What do Michael Jackson and an oyster have in common?

Both come on little white crackers.

Did you hear about the oyster who was breakdancing at the seafood disco?

He ended up pulling a mussel

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?

Oxnard, CA

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

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A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the ...

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*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

Depressed people with an allergy to shellfish

They must think the world is their oyster

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An elderly couple on a cruise . . .

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that...

agent...

A poor man is idly wandering down the street. When he is in front of a restaurant he notices a bearded man in a fine suit dining inside. What is not to notice?
The guy has ordered many dishes and is having quite a feast. The poor man, with his mouth watering, carries on watching the guy from the...

Pricey set of teeth

A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a gift shop during her honeymoon in India.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Crocodile teeth" the salesman beamed.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that crocodile teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us"

"Of course not...

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Alternate meanings

From The Washington Post

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanati...

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