UPJOKE
clamshellfishcrabmusselspearllobsterseafoodchesapeake baytunaseaweedcrayfishprawneelmusselplankton

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

The world is your oyster...

Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

Why does Goofy like oysters?

He likes to a shuck a shuck!

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than eating 10 oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 8!

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?

Oxnard, CA

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?

Shellfish.

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the seahorse have sex with the oyster?

Because he didn't want to catch *clam*ydia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.