UPJOKE
bivalveclamshellfishcrabmusselspearllobsterseafoodtunaseaweedcrayfishprawneelpacific oysterblue point

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

How is it "the world is your oyster"?

When I'm always chasing that clam

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What's worse than eating 10 oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 8!

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

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Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster?

Shellfish.

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?

Oxnard, CA

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

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