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Oyster Jokes

An oyster goes out clubbing.

It was a good night. He pulled a mussel.

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS?

Well, one you have to shuck between fits...

An Oyster kept running in and out.....

An Oyster kept running in and out of a Clam Bar in the hopes of finding some clunge for the night.

The Barman said: " Careful mate! You might pull a Muscle!".

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

if chuck norris owned and operator an oyster bar...

it would be called shuck norris

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they are “shellfish”

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?
- The epileptic oyster schucker shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
- the pickpocket spends all day snatching watches.

What's the difference ...

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

What did the oyster say to his friend before they went into the pot?

Welp, we're shucked.

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

The world is your oyster...

Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

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A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

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What's worse than eating 10 oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 8!

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

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Why didn't the seahorse have sex with the oyster?

Because he didn't want to catch *clam*ydia.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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