What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

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What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

The world is your oyster...

Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish.

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

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What's worse than eating 11 oysters off your grandma's private parts

Realising you only put 10

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

Did you hear about the oyster who was breakdancing at the seafood disco?

He ended up pulling a mussel

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?

Oxnard, CA

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking eight oysters up your Grandma's vagina, and sucking nine out.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

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A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the ...

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