I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

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What's the difference between a oyster shucker with Parkinson's and a prostitute with diarrhea

One of them fits when they shuck

Why did the oyster's girlfriend leave him?

He was shellfish in the seabed

No, my 4 year old son didn't write this. I did.

Why didn’t the oyster share her pearl?

She was shellfish.

What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

I thought it was an oyster

But it's snot.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

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Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Why is is so hard to get a pearl from an oyster?

Because they’re a little shellfish.

Why did the oyster get dumped by his girlfriend?

He’s shellfish

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Why did the oyster leave the party early

He pulled a mussel

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

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What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

The world is your oyster...

Anybody know how to shuck it, cause I'm lost

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

Your funding taken away and a call from the ethics board.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

How did the oyster hide from the fish?

Clamouflage.

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

Just got hired on at a high end restaurant, my main job so far has been oyster preparation

And I've gotta say, it really shucks

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster.

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

Girlfriend is having trouble opening an oyster at dinner.

She hands it to me to open. Just as I pry it open, I say,

"The easiest way to open this is with a little mussel"

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If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

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