What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

A man walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asks.
“Of Course,” says the fishmonger.
“Oh Good,” replies the man, “it’s his birthday.”

There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.



The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

Sockeye salmon is okay...

...but barefootear bass is where it's at.

I found this cool charity that lets you donate brined salmon to those in need.

Lox of Love

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

Tracking efficiency in dogs rises 300% when fed diets of salmon.

Give it a fish an' see

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

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I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

A salmon is swimming up a river

A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

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Why did the salmon cross the road?

Cuz it's fucking flooded.

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas

I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie?

Sofishticated

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

It was in the late 1500's on the west coast of North America

The chief of the Native American tribe was growing old, and wished for his tribe to live long after his death and was to choose between his two sons. Their names were Eagle Flies and the other Falling Rocks.
The chief had decided that if he had to choose one of the sons he would have a competit...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon?

Because she's all about that bass

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

My buddy got a new job

He takes pictures of salmon in tuxedos

He said it’s like shooting fish in apparel

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A Jamacian supermarket employee witnesses his coworker "Sal" commit murder

Cop: You witnessed the murder here today?

Jamacian guy: Yes mon I work here at the supermarket.

Cop: Well, did you see what happened?

Jamacian guy: Yes, it was Sal mon!

Cop: Sir we already know it happened in the fish department. I 'm asking if you know who did it. It's p...

I dont see anything wrong with GM foods.

I just had a nice leg of salmon and I feel fine.

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A bear walks in to a bar....

A bear, seeking advice, walks in to a bar and sits down. When approached by the bartender, he asks for a honey blonde ale and a minute of his time.

"Sure, go ahead," said the bartender.

The bear continued. "You see, before I came here, I was really hungry. I saw a friend of mine with...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

Fish goes to doctor

Fish goes to doctor. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"


The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."


The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says...

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

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A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He ...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

The Consultant

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he als...

Two drunk guys walking down the road....

Two drunk guys walking down the road and they meet two guys coming the other way carrying a massive salmon.

The drunk guys asked “where did you get that huge fish”

They replied “We went to the bridge, he held me over by my ankles and I caught the fish as it swam past”

The drunk ...

[LONG] A little bird fell out of the nest...

A little bird fell out of the nest and went to explore the surrounding world.

Soon he meets a large, hairy animal and asks:

– "Hello, I'm a little bird. Who are you?"

– "Hello. I'm the Wolf\-dog"

– "A wolf\-dog? That's weird! How can you be a wolf\-dog? You can either be ...

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A fun joke to say when you're drunk

[Long, but worth it. Especially when everyone's drunk]

There's a fly sitting about a foot above a river.

Now there's a salmon in the river looking up at the fly thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, I could jump up and snatch it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

I was chatting online to my friend from Zimbabwe the other day.

He's got this heart condition, poor guy. I really feel for him. He asked if I could help with some money which I'm seriously considering.

I asked my neighbour and he told me to ignore him because he was just phishing, but I don't see the problem with that, I'm partial to catching a few salmo...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

A man goes to a seafood restaurant and orders fish and chips...

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his orde...

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!...

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A lake and a cat.

There once was a lake. A normal, blue-ish lake. 60 centimetres above that lake, flies a fly. A normal fly. 30 centimetres under the surface of the lake, a salmon is swimming.

The salmon think, if the fly flies 30 centimetres lower, I'll jump and eat the fly.

Close to the salmon, standi...

A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.

The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.

The young man holds out a handful of bills and ...

How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.

One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a han...

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Salmon

You think that joke was bad? Then read this:

────────

A helicopter crashes on a graveyeard. So far the police has found over 300 dead bodies.

────────

P.S. This joke was honestly stolen from MaxwellSalmon's Bad Jokes bot

P.P.S. Am I the only one who can not understand why it's bad? It's more funnier than most of t...

My other half and I went to a restaurant.

I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"

"Do you want anything on the side?"

I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."

3 Bears walk into a bar

I made up this joke in the shower the other day and have been trying to decide if it is a Great Bad joke or an Awful real joke. I hope you have an opinion on it.

A Black Bear, a Grizzly Bear, and a Panda walk into a bar.

The Black bear walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me si...

A couple went out to eat ...

A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.

The waiter said, "Very...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

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