UPJOKE
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What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

What do you call a salmon wearing a suit and tie?

Sofishticated.

Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes...

Turned out to be a lox myth.

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

Why did the salmon cross the road?

To get to the other tide.

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.



The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

A salmon is swimming up a river

A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

Two young salmon are swimming along one day.

As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way.

The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?"

The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell i...

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems e...

I found this cool charity that lets you donate brined salmon to those in need.

Lox of Love

I've heard people say that smoking will give me diseases

But what they don't know is it cures salmon!

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

What do you call it when a salmon accidentally fertilizes his sisters eggs?

Roe Tide

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

Sockeye salmon is okay...

...but barefootear bass is where it's at.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

What do you call a Salmon that sets a good example?

A roe model.

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

You can tune a piano...

but you can't Salmon Mandela.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

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A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He ...

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

Fish goes to doctor

Fish goes to doctor. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"


The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."


The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says...

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

I dont see anything wrong with GM foods.

I just had a nice leg of salmon and I feel fine.

The Consultant

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he als...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

I have a pet fish that I named Ella.

She is a pretty fish, a salmon. I show her off to my friends and say “This is Salmon Ella”.

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A bear walks in to a bar....

A bear, seeking advice, walks in to a bar and sits down. When approached by the bartender, he asks for a honey blonde ale and a minute of his time.

"Sure, go ahead," said the bartender.

The bear continued. "You see, before I came here, I was really hungry. I saw a friend of mine with...

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!...

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So this really big bear walks into a grocery store.

He goes and gets some big salmon, some sharman ultra tough and some big jars of peanut butter. Because you know he's a big bear. Anyway he gets in line and when its his turn the cashier asks paper or plastic? ........................................ The bear says paper please. Then the cashier asks ...

What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

[LONG] A little bird fell out of the nest...

A little bird fell out of the nest and went to explore the surrounding world.

Soon he meets a large, hairy animal and asks:

– "Hello, I'm a little bird. Who are you?"

– "Hello. I'm the Wolf\-dog"

– "A wolf\-dog? That's weird! How can you be a wolf\-dog? You can either be ...

Two drunk guys walking down the road....

Two drunk guys walking down the road and they meet two guys coming the other way carrying a massive salmon.

The drunk guys asked “where did you get that huge fish”

They replied “We went to the bridge, he held me over by my ankles and I caught the fish as it swam past”

The drunk ...

I was chatting online to my friend from Zimbabwe the other day.

He's got this heart condition, poor guy. I really feel for him. He asked if I could help with some money which I'm seriously considering.

I asked my neighbour and he told me to ignore him because he was just phishing, but I don't see the problem with that, I'm partial to catching a few salmo...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A Jamacian supermarket employee witnesses his coworker "Sal" commit murder

Cop: You witnessed the murder here today?

Jamacian guy: Yes mon I work here at the supermarket.

Cop: Well, did you see what happened?

Jamacian guy: Yes, it was Sal mon!

Cop: Sir we already know it happened in the fish department. I 'm asking if you know who did it. It's p...

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A fun joke to say when you're drunk

[Long, but worth it. Especially when everyone's drunk]

There's a fly sitting about a foot above a river.

Now there's a salmon in the river looking up at the fly thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, I could jump up and snatch it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight...

A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.

The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.

The young man holds out a handful of bills and ...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

A man goes to a seafood restaurant and orders fish and chips...

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his orde...

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