The 73+ Best Salmon Jokes

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

Can a salmon be contained?

No, but a tuna can.

A grizzly walks to the checkout line with salmon and honey

The clerk says, "Gotcha. Just the bear necessities."

My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes...

Turned out to be a lox myth.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A struggling salmon swims into a life-coach office and says he's trying to make a spreadsheet of everything he needs to do to get his life back on-track. "Where should I begin?", he asks.

Life-coach: "Populate the roes."

How do salmon listen to music?

They stream it!

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Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.

Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.

The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

I ordered cod at a restaurant, but they gave me salmon.

I was catfished

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.

I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

Why did the salmon cross the road?

To get to the other tide.

Tonight I made salmon for supper

As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.

The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

A salmon is swimming up a river

A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

What's a good hairstyle for someone who doesn't like smoked salmon?

Dreadlox.

I ate a piece of fresh salmon that was marinated in vanilla and now my stomach is hurting....

I think I might have salmonilla.

I found this cool charity that lets you donate brined salmon to those in need.

Lox of Love

Sockeye salmon is okay...

...but barefootear bass is where it's at.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon?

You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

Why do salmon like to listen to the news?

So they're up to date with current events.

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

What do you call it when a salmon accidentally fertilizes his sisters eggs?

Roe Tide

- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

A salmon walks into a vegetarian restaurant

And the waiter says, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.”

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas

I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

\- Maria Salmon

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.

He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well.

The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"

"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, y...

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

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I'm like a salmon swimming upstream...

I'm horny and ready to die

What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie?

Sofishticated

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

What do you call a Salmon that sets a good example?

A roe model.

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are

I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn’t common plaice!

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems e...

A blind old man was at his daughters wedding reception

There were three lines to go in, each with their respective meal. The first line was steak and wine, the second being salmon and champagne, the third being chicken breast and fruit punch. The old man decided he wanted the chicken and punch, but he could hear that the steak line was moving quicker. A...

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

The Fishmonger

A woman went to the market to buy some cod. She approaches the fishmonger for assistance.

Woman: Do you have any cod? I’d like a piece of cod.

Fishmonger: We’ve got no cod, madam. We have haddock, would you like some haddock?

Woman: No, I’d like some cod.

Fishmonger: We d...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

You can tune a piano...

but you can't Salmon Mandela.

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

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So this really big bear walks into a grocery store.

He goes and gets some big salmon, some sharman ultra tough and some big jars of peanut butter. Because you know he's a big bear. Anyway he gets in line and when its his turn the cashier asks paper or plastic? ........................................ The bear says paper please. Then the cashier asks ...

(dad joke) What happened to the fish who ate raw chicken?

He got salmon-illa

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!...

I have a pet fish that I named Ella.

She is a pretty fish, a salmon. I show her off to my friends and say “This is Salmon Ella”.

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A bear walks in to a bar....

A bear, seeking advice, walks in to a bar and sits down. When approached by the bartender, he asks for a honey blonde ale and a minute of his time.

"Sure, go ahead," said the bartender.

The bear continued. "You see, before I came here, I was really hungry. I saw a friend of mine with...

Did you know that raw chicken gives you salmonella but...

Raw salmon doesn’t give you chickenella?

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

What's pink inside and smells like fish?

Salmon

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

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