How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping

The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

What's a prison guard's favorite game?

Hangman

What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

Apple have begun making prison guards...

Apparently they like to lock up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

Never try to high five a prison guard

They will leave you hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be a prison guard...

I used to be a prison guard and one day I asked one of the older inmates I’d gotten to know why he was in here and he said

“I found my wife and my best friend in bed together, so they gave me 25 for draggin’ her out of bed and killing her”

“Really? And how much did they give you for ...

Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Why do prison guards use proactive?

To prevent breakouts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.

She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

New prison guard on the beat...

... and while he's making his rounds with his partner he hears an inmate shout "38!" and everyone chuckles.

A while later another inmate yells "13!" and there's uproarious laughter.

So the new guy asks his partner what's going on. "Oh that? These guys have been here so long, they all...

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Just so I can say that I posted it before any of my friends.

....Those two prison guards did not kill themselves.

A train conductor was conducting his train...

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied ...

Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman Prison Escape...

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman are all prison inmates but have hatched an escape plan. The escape plan goes well and the three of them are outside the prison walls and running away to freedom.

About 15 minutes after their escape they realise that the prison guards are catching up to...

There was once a thug who was in the scariest gang...

His original name was Con Dria, but soon he went by a different name in his gang. They called him Mighto, and he was the thug that did most of the crimes. From dealing drugs to robbing to Kidnapping. He did whatever was necessary to help out his gang.

However, after he accidentally ran over ...

A son calls his mom from jail

“Hey mom, bad news, I’m in for life.”
“Shut up Frank you’re a prison guard.”

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune....

A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit...

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." sa...

A cow and a chicken were framed

And thrown into prison. They knew they had to get out to bring the criminals to justice so they spent weeks designing escape plans. Finally, a month after they had been thrown in, they escaped in the middle of the night. However, they weren't silent enough and they had to flee from the prison guards...

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reach...

The Best Time to Plan Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back...

An inmate in a prison is about to be released for good behaviour.

The prison guard walks into the cell to inform the inmate of the good news.
At first, the inmate speaks to the prison guard and is almost immediately interrupted.
The prison guard interjects, but before he can tell the inmate he is soon to be released for good behaviour, the inmate loudly shou...

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