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Rewards Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rewards of prayer ...

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him...

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner

It was definitely worth the transaction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.”

Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

Reddit logic.

- Oh I see you made a comment, I'm sorry to inform you it got deleted! You don't have enough karma to make the comment.

= That's fine! How do I make enough karma then?

- You need up votes and rewards on your comments of course!

= ok...? I will make one then and hopefully I get u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

Went to a new dry cleaner and they asked for my date of birth...

I asked why and the guy at the counter said, "If you sign up for our loyalty rewards program, you can get a suit cleaned for free on your birthday."

I said, "No, thanks. I clean my birthday suit in the shower."

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. T...

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