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Bounty Jokes

Did you hear the put a bounty on Schrödinger’s cat?

He’s wanted dead and alive.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

My cousin just started a new career as a bounty hunter…

…Apparently, she makes a killing.

What do you call a fruity bounty hunter?

A mangolorian

Erwin the Bounty Hunter

Erwin the bounty hunter rides into town with a box strapped to his horse behind him. He rides up to the mayor, holds up the "Wanted" poster, and says, "I've got Bart the Bandit here just as you requested: 'Dead and alive'."

The mayor replies, "The poster says 'Dead OR alive', not 'Dead AND al...

Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters

Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.

I named my high-speed magic carpet Bounty.

It’s a quilted, quicker picker-upper.

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars

I have a Boba fettish

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

Did you hear about the massive bounty on Cerberus' head?

Apparently, he turned himself in.

My best Cowboy Joke

A cowboy is hitching his horse in front of the saloon when a man storms out with a pistol. The cowboy walks into the bar, past a barfly with a half-empty drink, orders a beer and asks the barfly

“Who’s the guy who just stormed out looking for trouble?”

The barfly responds “Oh him? That...

A prisoner escaped by putting a paper towel over his face and walking out of jail.

There’s a Bounty on his head.

What do you call it when a person has a weird attraction to the best bounty hunter in the galaxy?

A Fett-ish.

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

A bounty hunter walks . . .

. . into the Sheriffs office and asks if he has any wanted posters.

" I just got the one today" He replies, "The Brown Paper Kid"

The bounty hunter asks "Why do they call him the Brown Paper Kid"

"Well he's got a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper shoes and brown pa...

What was so special about Bounty's new line of paper towels?

nothing they were tearable.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?

You put a bounty on his head.

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

What do you call a middle eastern man with a bounty on his head?

A towel head.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

With all the missing paper towels and napkins everywhere...

You could say that right now, I'm a Bounty hunter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrote it me self

11 survivalists plan their escape and meet at 5 am in the forest. Ten men show off all the bounty, guns, food, water, batteries, everything you could need. A woman shows up late with a tiny rucksack. The men say, look at everything we brought, what the hell did you bring?

She answers: A vagi...

I am wanted by a lot of girls...

They may or may not be bounty hunters.

Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America:

Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.

A priest was hunting in the woods.

He searches and searches but can’t find any animals. Finally in frustration he throws his gun down and heads to the stream to cool off. About this time he sees this huge grizzly bear racing toward him.

He falls on his knees and says, 'God please, protect me. I am asking you God, please conve...

What do you call an amphibian who catches criminals?

Frog the Bounty Hunter

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

If anyone is still having trouble finding toilet paper or paper towels, I know a guy you can call...

Dog the Bounty Hunter. He's brawny and some people find him strangely charmin'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

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An Indian walks into a trading post

And he asks the owner for toilet paper. The owner replies we have Charmin for .35 cents a roll. The Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says we also have Bounty for .15 cents a roll. Again the Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says well I have some no name toilet pa...

A pirate is sitting at the bar

With a paper towel hat on his head, the bartender, being curious to why this pirate would make himself look completely ridiculous, goes to the pirate and asks him why on earth does he have a paper towel hat on. The pirate looks the bartender right in the eye and says "Arrrg I have a bounty on me hea...

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[REQUEST] Your favorite long, maybe a bit TOO long, but worth it joke.

Every day I read the bounty of /jokes, and maybe once a month I see a new one. It fills me with such joy. Also, I work with this amazing fellow who tells these 20 minute jokes, and I am almost out of return-fire ammunition.


See, I love long jokes, story jokes, and there seems to be a pauc...

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Patrick O'Reilly...

Patrick O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toas...

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Once there was a sailor who dreamt of finding the love of his life.

He sailed to the Middle East in search of a genie to grant him this wish. After a long, challenging journey, the sailor reaches his destination and sets out to find himself a lamp. Months of vigorous searching pass and eventually he finds his bounty in an isolated cave. The genie appears and asks th...

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away...

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One day an atheist goes hunting in the woods

It's a very uneventful morning when he finally comes across the perfect shot. He loads his weapon, undoes the safety, and lines up his sight. To his surprise, all of a sudden a bear appears in his scope point blank. The bear pulls its claw back ready to slice the atheist open when he cries out, "oh ...

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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