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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
‟Gentlemen,” the Devil started, ‟D...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

V1. What do you call snacks with people you like?

Friend chips.

Open to edits and suggestions. My daughter helped with the crunchy part of the joke.

Apparently I wasn’t worthy of posting it to r/dadjokes because of my lack of commenting on other people’s posts to build up my street cred. Apparently up voting things isn’t enough.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

A Cow performs an act worthy of being knighted . . .

you may now rise, Sir Loin.

Found this on /r/jokes, thought it was trees worthy.

Credit to /u/ThatGuyYouKilled

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard say...

Joe approached the gates of Heaven and God asked him what he had done in life that made him worthy...

Joe: "I once saw a gang of bikers harassing a woman, so I went up to the biggest and baddest one, gave him a punch across the face, and said 'If you want to mess with her again, you'll have to go through me first.'"

God: "Really? When was that?"

Joe: "About 5 minutes ago."

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

LOL worthy

A man, married 25 years, took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big...

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour

2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

A blonde woman left a 20$ bill fall in a toilet

She asks for her boyfriend to take it out, he thinks for a second, and explains:

"Baby, I don't think 20$ are worthy of putting my hand in the toilet."

Then the blonde throws a 50$ bill in the toilet and says:

"But I'm pretty sure 70$ are."

A man, who has done only minor sins dies..

A man, who has done only minor sins dies, therefore god decides that he is worthy of heaven but he must do several tasks to repent.

On the first day he had to wash such plates, he had never seen before.

On the second day he had to put the beds in which all the saints have laid before....

An airplane is going to crash.

A female passenger jumps up and shouts " If I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes her clothes and asks "Is there a worthy man that fulfill my last wish?"

A man stands up and remove his shirt and said "Here you go, Iron this"

A guy dies and goes to heaven

When he gets to the Pearly Gates St Peter is waiting for him St Peter says he's going to review his life and then decide if he's worthy to go into heaven. St Peter looks through the book of this man's life and says to the man" well you haven't really sinned but you haven't ever done anything worthw...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?

Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

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A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.

He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.

A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room,...

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A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

I must admit, my arch-nemesis did a good job impersonating me...

...Indeed, he was a worthy faux.

“You like soup?”

“Yea, especially thick heavy soups. ”
“oh what’s your favorite heavy soup?”
“wonton soup”



Edit. Thanks to the 6 people that found this terrible joke upvote worthy.

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

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Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

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3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter

Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.

First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soo...

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The man who prized his daughter.

There was a very rich man who owned a mansion. He held a contest to see who could last in a pool with piranhas. Having an Olympic sized pool in his backyard, he fills it with piranhas and the contestants have to swim across to the other side. Many line up to try and win his prizes which range from h...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

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A man walks into his favourite bar....

...he sits at his favourite table, and waves at the waiter to order himself a beer. While waiting for his beer, he notices 2 scratch marks on the table right in front of him.

When the waiter comes, he asks him: "What are those scratches?"

Waiter says: "Those are marks. There were two m...

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.

"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."

"Your son?" asks Jesus

"Yes, my son. H...

The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you fo...

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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

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A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.

So they sp...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down th...

My girlfriend left because I treated our relationship like a game show...

Oh well, she was a worthy contestant.

Do you support the AAAAA?

You should. The American Association Against the Abuse of Acronyms is a worthy cause.

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

3 guys die and go to heaven...

St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and ...

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.

"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best...

Did you hear about when Trump fought in Vietnam?

A few soldiers were discussing our new President and how worthy he was to serve. They mocked him endlessly until a Private spoke up.

"Didn't you know The President fought in Vietnam?"

"He ain't no soldier, you maggot!"

"No its true! Although I heard he was very controversial and...

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy...

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The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden...

The leader of china calls Obama and says: "Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"
To which Obama said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbow...

3 men in heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. After a while there, they meet an angel.

"There's a new policy!" he says. "Everyone gets a free vehicle! The type of vehicle depends on how good you were on Earth."

So they go to God to get there vehicle.

"Okay" God says, "John, how good were you...

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

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A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.

So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One d...

Home Loan Troubles

So one day Kermit the frog decides that he wanted to buy this new condo by the beach. He goes into the nearest bank and strolls up to the counter. In front of him there was this teller with name badge blaring "Paddywhack".
Kermit says "I want a loan". She goes through usual procedure then asks hi...

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that ...

I need assistance reddit. I work with kids and need jokes puns and otherwise for fall and Halloween.

The more groan worthy the better. Once i have enough i will put them in a box/ bag appropriately named the "monster box" since it looks like a green monster.

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates

...Doing his daily duties, welcoming those who've recently passed on from a life on Earth into Heaven, when he realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and he asks if he could take his post, and guard the Gates for five minutes.

"Certainly!," says Jesus. "Just tell me w...

The Flying Scotsman

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him, so an official went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities.

"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but...

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler fact...

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three men go to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven, one was a philosopher, one was a mathematician, and one was a common idiot. Well due to overcrowding in heaven, the devil and St.Paul decided that to get into heaven you would have to pass a test. The three men arrive at the pearly gates and St.Paul says "Alright, ...

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Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your lif...

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