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Painted Jokes

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows on too high...

She looked surprised!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

I painted my Jell-O to resemble concrete.

It's not as hard as it looks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone spray painted "Pervert Lives Here" on my garage door.

Fucking vandals wasting my time.

I just opened it and there was nobody inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a brewery, the ceiling is getting painted

One of the painters falls into a barrel with 1000 liters of beer and drowns. His boss then goes to the colleague's wife to report the death. "Did my husband suffer much?" "I don't think so, he went out to take a piss three times."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

I painted a picture of some bread I bought at the store that I really admired…..

It was my roll model.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy painted glitter on his balls

Pretty nuts!

Why are aircraft always painted white?

The colour seems a bit plane to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

I saw a rock the other day that has been painted on..

The words: Turn me Over ----->


I turn the rock over then it says:



"You just took orders from a rock


Are you stoned?"

Ever since they painted the glory holes for Pride, attendance is way up.

Guys keep coming out of the blue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

A husband and wife are having all the walls in their house painted.

The morning after their bedroom is painted, the husband gets up and gets dressed to go to work. But he accidentally presses his hand against the wall, leaving a handprint.

When the wife wakes up, she sees the handprint. Since the bedroom was painted just yesterday, she realizes that her husba...

A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The nex...

A pastor wants his house painted...

and one of his parishioners offers to do it, but he needs money to pick up the supplies. The pastor gives him some money, but when the time comes to paint the house, the parishioner finds he only has half the paint he needs. He figures, "I'll just water it down. It'll be fine." He does that, paints ...

A friend of mine is convinced that Van Gogh painted the Mona Lisa.

I just don't have the 'art to correct him.

Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls...

So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.

Cans of paint

A man knocks on his neighbor's door:

"Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I'd ask you how many cans of paint you bought."

"Sure thing! We bought seven cans"

"Awesome, thanks!"

A few days later, the man knocks on h...

why do people call it painting

when it is already painted?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I painted my dick vantablack

Women never see it coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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