UPJOKE
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Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

There are creatures in my house…

… who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.

Such is life with male teenagers.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

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Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

Why are snowmen the loneliest creatures on Earth?

They have snow friends.

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Whales are the saddest creatures in the world.

They always have a heavy heart.

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yoursel...

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

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During creation, God asked creatures of they wanted an exoskeleton or an endoskeleton.

Turtle: Yes



Author's note: "repost" because I fucked up the original

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Desert Island Dicks

A man who has been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a pig and a dog. One day, the man decides he’s had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. Bu...

Why do sea creatures read the news?

To keep up with current events!

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

I’ve started adopting sea creatures.

It’s my porpoise in life.

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?

**Dinosnores**

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?

Octopi.

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof.

So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.

Scientists have created a type of brightly coloured sea creatures...

When i found out about this I yelled, "oh the hue-manatee!"

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