Analyst Jokes - 27 Hilarious Analyst Jokes

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

How do you get a crypto technical analyst off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the .

What do a zoo owner and a Python data analyst have in common?

They both import pandas.

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If your hurts and doctors are unable to identify the reason, you definitely need...

An Analyst.

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What's the difference between an analyst and a star?

Beats me, but I applied for them both. Wish me luck!

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?

He looks into his lover's 'I's.

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A company is holding job interviews for a position of Financial Analyst

3 people apply: A blonde, a jew and a mathematician.
The blonde enters, the interviewer asks her: What is 2 + 2 ? The blonde thinks for 10 minutes, answeres 5.
The jew enters, receives the same question, answeres: What do you want it to make ?
The mathematician enters, receives the same que...

When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst

It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.

In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

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Who's responsible for our nation up the ?

Analysts!

The serial killer who used his car to run over people has finally been arrested

According to lawsuit analysts, he musthang.

Three mathematicians go hunting.

As they are out hunting, they see a bird. The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left. The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right. The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"

A German Baby

A couple adopts a German baby, but he seems to have an issue. No matter how much love and attention they give him, he doesn't speak. He is brought to an analyst for examination, but the analyst can't find anything wrong. The baby simply doesn't speak.

Five years go by and the couple has lear...

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

Hot Air Baloon

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He lowers the balloon and shouts to a man he sees "Hey! I'm late for an appointment can you tell me where I am?!"

As he comes in closer the man below shouts back, "You're in hot air balloon about thirty feet off the ground!".

"...

The restaurant patron with a compulsion

A man entered a restaurant and ordered some food and a glass of water. He took a sip of the water, then tossed the remainder into the waiter's face.

Before the waiter could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to waiters....

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office merger

Mike's startup company wasn't doing that well. He had a great idea for a tech startup, he got funding from venture capitalists, hired programmers, accountants, marketing analysts, everything. But sadly Super Tech Enterprises was failing. For months his former roommate's company was offering to bu...

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

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