UPJOKE
regainrecuperategetfindreturnsavecoverrecoveryacquirerecoupreclaimretrieveconvalescego backrebound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is in hospital recovering from a laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes him and asks, if he wants the good news or the bad news?


The guy excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon replies, "Well, you're about to get a new fucking dog."

I was warned not to build my house next to a home for recovering Objectophiliacs

They said “if you build it, they will come”.

What would both a recovering alchoholic and a dominatrix take as a compliment?

"I'm very impressed with your restraint."

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

There's a new app for people recovering from bad dates.

Anyone ever tried \*Cinder\*?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife,,,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

Flying

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a c...

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

Did you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson is recovering from COVID ?

I hear he couldn’t even smell what he was cookin.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Boy, I Had it Tough!, "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had.".

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

I'm a recovering alcoholic...

Recovering from a hangover.

I am a recovering alcoholic

I'm currently recovering from all the alcohol I drank last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality...

I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

A man has a strange request for his doctor...

Credit to u/tenebralupo for the last time I recall this joke being posted here. I thought it'd be funny, so enjoy!

-----

Some guy walks into his doctor's office.

"Good morning. Are you here for a checkup?"

"Not really. I've decided I want to be castrated."

"Castrat...

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

I am a recovering addict...

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

But I turned myself around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A glass of water is on the table

The optimist says its half full.

The pessimist says its half empty.

The drunk says, who dafuc put water in my scotch glass.

Source, me, recovering drunk.

Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree. One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education." The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him enthusiastically and says:

« Hey how’s it going? I’ve never had a panda in here before! What can I get you? »

The panda orders a small meal and waits at a table. After a few minutes, the bartender arrives and brings him his food.
The panda eats it and the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.