This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

Did you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson is recovering from COVID ?

I hear he couldn’t even smell what he was cookin.

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

I'm a recovering alcoholic...

Recovering from a hangover.

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him enthusiastically and says:

« Hey how’s it going? I’ve never had a panda in here before! What can I get you? »

The panda orders a small meal and waits at a table. After a few minutes, the bartender arrives and brings him his food.
The panda eats it and the b...

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.  

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feel...

Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

I am a recovering addict...

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

But I turned myself around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality...

I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talking dog

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' So he rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies....

So I was about to propose to my girl friend when. . .

My roommate Joseph, barged into the room out of no where and tripped over a glass table, breaking it with his face. Totally ruining the mood.

Now I don't know Joseph that well, don't even know where he's from, but I decided to put my plans on hold to help him with his injury.

Joseph ha...

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny man goes to Amsterdam...

... and immediately to a brothel. He's escorted to a room where a gorgeous lady awaits him. He asks her:

\- How are your hand jobs?

She points to the window and says:

\- Do you see that Maybach outside?

The man nods.

\- I earned it only with my hand jobs. In my fi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.