UPJOKE
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Recovering Jokes

A recovering alcoholic swedish horse walks into a bar.

The bar tender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

The horse says, "Nej."
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How do you call a support group for recovering hackers?

Anonymous anonymous
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My father is a recovering alcoholic.

I've never seen him this hungover.
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Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
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Recovering from Thanksgiving.....

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks. "Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?" "Yes," the butcher sighs. "So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender...
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What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do?

Pass the bar
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A guy is in hospital recovering from a laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes him and asks, if he wants the good news or the bad news?


The guy excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon replies, "Well, you're about to get a new fucking dog."

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.
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There's a new app for people recovering from bad dates.

Anyone ever tried \*Cinder\*?
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What would both a recovering alchoholic and a dominatrix take as a compliment?

"I'm very impressed with your restraint."
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Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

I was warned not to build my house next to a home for recovering Objectophiliacs

They said “if you build it, they will come”.
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An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...
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My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"
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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.
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I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.
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While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.
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Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”
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Did you see Dwayne The Rock Johnson is recovering from COVID ?

I hear he couldn’t even smell what he was cookin.
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I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.
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Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals
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I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.
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I am a recovering addict...

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

But I turned myself around.
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I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality...

I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.
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I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.
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A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...
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What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."
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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

Husband vs Bull

A woman who lived with her husband on a large farm was recovering in hospital following an operation.

“The operation went well”, the doctor informed her, “and I think you're ready to go home. But make sure you get plenty of rest. No work or strenuous activity for the next week.”
...
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
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Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.
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I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”
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Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.
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"I've just had the worst time" the boy said.

"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."

"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"

"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever h...
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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
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A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.

Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long wo...
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Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey
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A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....
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A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

A farmer and a hunter

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotc...
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Flying

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a c...
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A glass of water is on the table

The optimist says its half full.

The pessimist says its half empty.

The drunk says, who dafuc put water in my scotch glass.

Source, me, recovering drunk.

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why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?

He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.

At the moment he is recovering in hospital.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

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