UPJOKE
pressurethrustpushmovedrivemomentumphysicsaccelerationtorquemilitaryinfluencepowerpersonnelstrengthmass

Forced Jokes

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Why were the melons forced into a traditional marriage?

Because they canteloupe

What fruit does a couple eat after they are forced into a big wedding?

Cantelope.

The US has been forced to stop using their mint. It does not work and they can't understand why

It makes no cents.

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

Why was the melon farmer forced to have a large, expensive wedding?

Because he cantaloupe.

You heard about the trapped miners forced to eat moles to survive ?

They were living on burrowed time

When I was in prison, I was forced to sell things from an empty room.

It was solitary consignment.

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily...

Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

As a kid I was forced to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

what do you call it when someone is being forced to drink a lot of wine?

Water Bordeauxed

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are forced to sleep in the same king sized bed

Three guy friends go on vacation and when they arrive at their hotel, they find that only one room is available (which happens to ONLY have one king sized bed.) After much reluctance, they agree to all sleep in the same bed

The next morning during breakfast, the guy who slept on the left say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

My friends forced me into their orgy last night.

I succumbed to peer pleasure.

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

Two guys are forced to share the last beer in the cooler

"You go ahead and have your half first", says the first guy. The other guy says "ok, thanks" and chugs the whole bottle down. "What the hell was that?!" says the first guy, to which the other replies:

"My half was at the bottom..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

Joan Collins forced to flee fire:

The funeral director has had to make a formal apology as he could have sworn she was dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?

He sucked...

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers are forced to join the military.

Both don't want to go. The oldest brother says don't worry i got this, we just gotta make sure we don't pass the medical exam. During the exam the oldest puts a hundred dollar bill between his buttcheeks. The doctor asks him to bent over, looks and says oh you are very sick defenitely not in good sh...

Why was the T-Rex forced to close shop?

It was seriously short handed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is forced to go to his therapist

After a suicide attempt he made the day before. Once he was in the therapist's office, the therapist started of the conversation by asking about why he attempted to take his own life. "Well, earlier in the day my wife handed me divorce papers, that said she would take the dog, and that the kids woul...

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

Elon Musk was forced to resign and King Julien took over

They needed someone who was more passionate about electric cars and who could beat King Julien? I mean everyone knows King Julien was in the “Mad at Gas Cars” movies.

I am occasionally forced to wear women's clothes.

It's a real drag.

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.

This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter." He said yes.

I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes.

I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I repli...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.