UPJOKE
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Murmured Jokes

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"

The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."

The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand...

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howev...

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

Babytalk

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

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I was checking into a hotel with my family and given that my sons are in their teens...

I murmured to the receptionist: "Is the porn channel disabled?"

"No," she snarled, "it's the regular kind, you sick fuck!"

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home....

After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and the husband gave the horse a light pop with the whip. The horse kicked and bucked. The man quietly murmured "That's strike one.". A few minutes later the horse stopped again and after a light tap on his hind quarters bucked even more ...

“It’s about time I told you an important thing,” I said to my 15 year old son.

“What is it dad?” He asked.

“You were adopted,” I murmured.

“That’s impossible!” He exclaimed, “We look the same.”

“Well,” I replied, “That’s because we are Chinese.”

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straigh...

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Interesting Farmers Market

A young man was driving to work when he realized he had forgotten his lunch.

As he drove frustrated with himself he came across a farmers market with and interesting sign,

“apples that taste like pussy”

Better than nothing he said.
As he bit into his first apple he was gre...

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WW2 Joke

Here's a joke I just learned (paraphrasing)

A Soviet General is walking out of the staff office after meeting Stalin to discuss plans for fighting the Germans

as he leaves the guard at the door hears him mutter under his breathe "murderous mustache" he enters the room and tells Stalin<...

Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband w...

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(NSFW) A young man decided to have his first time with a prostitute.

As she lay on her back, she murmured, "Put your finger into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put two fingers into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put three fingers into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put your whole hand into me."
<...

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When I was an enthusiastic 25-year-old I was once chatting to an older woman in a bar...

...she must have been mid-40s if she was a day, but she had taken really good care of herself, she was dressed to kill, and she was confident, secure in herself, and knew what she wanted.

Anyway as the evening wore on it became clearer and clearer what was on both our minds, and towards closi...

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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Last night, my husband and I were talking about what we wanted if we died.

He explained to me that he wanted to make sure that our three children were taken care of, as well as me. He went over the life insurance policy he’d gotten from work, and it was very generous. Being a huge social butterfly, he wanted a big funeral, with a fun after party and he wanted to be buried....

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

The Art of the Sermon

Mullah Nasreddin was invited to give a sermon. Reluctantly, he dragged himself to the pulpit in the front of the room and glared at his attentive listeners.

"Do any of you," he began. "Have any idea what I'm about to say?"

His followers glanced around in confusion and shook their hea...

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Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood.

"Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.

...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

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