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Utters Jokes

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

What do you call a cow touching its utters?

Beef stroganoff

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

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A man is squatting in a graveyard.

A man is squatting in a graveyard when another man walking by, politely utters "Morning."
The first man replies "No. I'm taking a shit."

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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How much times a week?

Some friends are bragging on how much sex they have. The first dude says: i get laid twice a week.
Al the others start counting, the second dude yells, i get some 4 times a week! Most of the mates are impressed.
One dude utters: i have sex almost every day of the week.
The gang looks in awe...

A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, “Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.”

The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, “Hey, them’s fightin...

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

A Irishman is on his deathbed with a priest by his side.

The Irishman is surrounded by his wife, his two children and a priest and as he feels death near, states his will.
He says to his wife Mary,
"My dear wife, you are the love of my life, so you shall receive the houses in Belfast"
He says to his son Tim,
"Tim, you were always a good lad, s...

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Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu

"Hmm, the glass of blood looks good" says the first.

"A bloody mary" says the second.

"Ill just take a hot water" says the third, to the astonishment of the others.

"Wtf" they say collectively.

Taking out a used tampon, he utters "just making some tea".

3 men go to hell

Three men die and go to hell. On their arrival the devil greets them, saying "hello and welcome to hell! You are all here because you were addicted to something that ruined the lives of you and the people around you. You will all be given your own personal hells until you are cured, then you will go...

A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the local beach on a fine day.

The physicist says, "I want to do reasearch about the fluid dynamics of the ocean water."

He walks into the ocean and does not come back.

The biologist says, "I want to do research about the flora and fauna of the ocean."

He, too, walks into the ocean and does not come back.
...

Boss call an employee in his office

“I am sorry but we have to let you go. However according to our policy we will compensate your by paying you a 6 month salary.” The guy hates his job so he is quite relieved about the news. Whistling happily he decides to invest the money on himself and goes to a car dealer. When he enters the shop ...

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

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Little Johnny's Opinion of Mosquitoes...

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes.
Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "fucking mosquitoes, fucking mosquitoes."
Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes because every one of God's creations has a purp...

Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, c...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the cl...

My favorite Lent joke

An atheist named John lived in a small Christian village. During lent on every Friday he would grill a deer and the whole village could smell it.

After a few years the village elders got together and said this has to stop and they need to convert John.

The elders eventually convince ...

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A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a vagina?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a vagina?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells ...

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

Blonde tries to buy a TV.

A young blonde lady wants to buy a new Television. She walks into an electronics store, has a quick browse and picks the TV. She pulls the store clerk over and tells him she would like to buy that TV, he replies "Sorry, we do not serve blondes here".


The blonde is disgusted and offended...

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My Dad used to tell this Joke: The Three Boys

There once were three boys who were always told to never go into a big shack on the edge of the woods, so they did what most boys would do and went to it as soon as they could. They go inside and see only useless so junk they turn around to leave when they see the door close and a large man stand in...

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A tired and weary man enters a pub one night.

It's not his usual pub, he's gone to a town far from his. He sits at the bar and slowly nurses a drink. The bartender sees his glum and inquires what his troubles are.

Sighing, he begins his tale. "I raise 5 kids from birth to adulthood and send them on their way to good, independent lives. ...

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