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Highly Jokes

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you...

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of cakes. I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

Highly quaified

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new job going?" the bartender asks. "Great! Although, I've heard we're going to have a drug test next week," the guy replies. "Good thing I know a lot about drugs."

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A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west

She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.

As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.

She's pissed. She pulls over and jumps out of her car, ...

Three highly decorated police officers die

in a wild shoot-out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I...

The meaning of the word “oops” is actually highly dependent on context

I learned that when I heard my barber say it and then my brain surgeon later that day

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

My grandad was highly decorated during WW2....

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel and balloon on his helmet that got him shot.

What do you call distinguished, highly respected rapper?

Eminent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I find the expression, "You don't know Jack Sh** ", highly offensive.

If you don't know him , then you should say, "Mr. Shit".

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

"All right, for our new Disney+ miniseries, we need to make it a thoughtful, highly entertaining original series AND it needs to connect to an existing Star Wars property."

"... Would you settle for And/or?"

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I have a highly collectible wristwatch from the Third Reich...

It's a Swatch-ticker

A highly suspicious couple are trying to have a baby

When the woman finally falls pregnant, they visit the doctor for some check ups. While there, the man asks the doctor how he can be sure that he’s the father.
“We can do a DNA test.” The doctor replies.

“And how do I know I’m the mother?” The pregnant woman asks.

“We can do an IQ te...

Angela Merkel's new policies are highly uncertain...

...She always seems to be on shaky ground.

Fleming's Left Hand Rule is highly attractive

It has currently forced my hand.

I think our solar system is highly underrated ...

... Seriously, just one star? Duh.

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

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If Medusa had big boobs, she’d be highly ineffective towards men.

But then men quickly become hard when they look at her.

I have a fear of highly sophisticated engineering constructs

It's a case of Complex Complex Complex

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

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