Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common?

They aren’t PC

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

Today I Ate a Big Mac

I am not gonna brag about it but the people in Apple were pretty terrified

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Why does joe Biden use a Mac?

Because apparently he doesn’t want you to have windows.

And the bus driver's name is Mac.

A man got a new job driving a school bus. When he went to pick up the keys, the man behind the desk slammed them down and said, "Bus #1. Has a Big Bird picture on the side."

The man got in his bus and drove to the first stop. He picked up one boy, who immediately introduced himself. "Hi! My...

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

Did you know....

William Shatner and Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac recently got married? She wanted to keep her surname so she's now going by Stevie Shatner - Nicks.

A man walks into a greasy spoon for breakfast....

Waiter says “what will it be, mac? “
The customer says “ I gotta catch a train - so I’ll just have a short stack of pancakes , also coffee ... and waiter - will they be long?”
The waiter says “No buddy, they’ll be round...”

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got a big Mac

Just picked up a Big Mac Meal at the drive-thru. I'm not hungry, I just need the napkins for wiping my arse.

Dear Mac users

Isn't it dark with no windows

Why do Mac owners think they are superior?

Because they need to command everything.

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

Why do Macs run hotter than PCs?

Because they don't have Windows.

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?

(an actual original joke)

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Hitler call his mac and cheese?

Mein-Kraft

I know there are about to be a lot of jokes about Mac Miller but please, keep the quantity down

I'd hate to overdose on them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend likes to stick big Macs up his butt.

I think he has ass-burgers syndrome.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

You should buy the new Mac Pro

It has a grate design.

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Psst! McDonald's has a secret promotion going on. If you tell them the secret passphrase, they give you a free Big Mac.

The secret code is "I have a gun, get me a fucking Big Mac".

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

A man goes to mcdonalds and orders a big mac with a large fry.

The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit."

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

What do you call Mac N' Cheese without a lot of cheese?

Lackin' cheese.

Why does the rabbi prefer windows to Mac?

Because windows has a built-in snipping tool.

ADHD & Sleep Problems. Funny That You Asked!!

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. \*Old MacDonald had a farm\* and bingo was his name-o!

I just found my first grey pubic hair!

Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac...

I met the man who invented the Big Mac today…

He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich

The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?"

Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do many people call my penis the 'Big Mac'?

Because it doesn't look as good or as big as it did in the adverts.

:(

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.


A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

He had a bad experience with windows.

Today I decided to upgrade my Mac...

...so I threw a big slice of cheese on it.

What types of large PC's do McDonalds workers use?

Big Macs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Mac

I’m at a bar minding my business, cooling out, just being cool like I am, chillin’. Woman come to me, this is actually the goddamn thing she wanted to do.

She said, “Mac.”
I said, “Yeah, that’s my name.”
She said, “can I ask you a question?”
I said, “yeah.”
She said, “Does p...

What's the difference between a Mac user and a PC user

Mac users command, PC users control

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.

[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. ...

The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....

His family ordered the most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty old man

Little boy playing in the attic comes across his dad's old welding goggles. "What are these Dad?". "They're my old goggles from when I was a professional welder". "Can I play with them, I could pretend to be a fighter pilot!" "OK, but don't go too far in the park there's some strange people about."<...

My mac has a factory defect.

I've been using for 3 years and it still works.

What do you call Mac&Cheese in Germany?

Mein Kraft

Donald Trump and his followers are buying Macs

So they don't have to be PC anymore.

*Ba dum tsst

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

What's the theme song of an Apple Store?

Return Of The Mac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

People get offended when I tell Mac jokes.

Probably because they're never PC.

What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?

A co-operating system.

How is a Mac like a Queen's guard?

They're both run by Unix.

Why can't people stop buying Apples new Mac Books?

Because theres no escape

Fleetwood Mac

Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again.

They're starting to suspect Stevie Nicks.

Mary had a little lamb...

The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, he nearly popped his eyes!

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"

My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart grocery clerk

A customer walks over to the cash and deposits one apple, one orange, one banana and a box of Mac 'n cheese (KD for all my fellow Canuckians). The clerk looks over at the customer:

- You must be single.
- Oh so just because I only have ONE of each item, you've determined that I'm single?...

A frog walks in to a pawn shop

And the owner, an Irishman named Paddy Mac, greets him. The frog takes out a small figurine, places it on the counter, and asks how much he can get for it. Paddy responds that he can’t give the frog anything for the cheap little tchotchke. The frog says, “But this *is* valuable; it was given to me b...

What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?

What do you call a masterless, Italian Samurai?

Mac: a Ronin

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money....

On the plus side he makes a great Big Mac

On the subject of Macs and viruses...

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people wh...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

Abbot & Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,<...

How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

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