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Mac Jokes

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

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MacGregor

A young man was drinking in a bar when he noticed an older gentleman sitting alone and clearly deep in thought. He asked the man, “Sir, with all your years of experience, what wisdom can you give me?”

The man replied, “Always do that which you would want to be remembered for.”

“I’m not...

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac.

And he got one.

Why do russian oligarchs only buy MacBooks?

Because they fear windows

Windows is more environmentally friendly than macOS.

Windows puts your deleted files in the Recycle Bin while macOS just throws them in the Trash.

Dear Mac users

Isn't it dark with no windows

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

Why does joe Biden use a Mac?

Because apparently he doesn’t want you to have windows.

Why do Macs run hotter than PCs?

Because they don't have Windows.

If a Mac user

If a Mac user sees a crime being committed, does she become an iWitness?

One day at a MacDonald's.....

....a young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he pour...

I was trying to install Mirror's Edge on my Mac.

Turns out it runs on Windows.

A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".

The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

Today I Ate a Big Mac

I am not gonna brag about it but the people in Apple were pretty terrified

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

Old MacDonald had OCD

EE II O

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

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Once there was a Scottish man named MacGregor. One day, MacGregor was talking to a young boy about legacies. This is what MacGregor said:

Now young man, make sure you leave a good legacy and don't make mistakes like I did.

You see that moat over there? I built that moat with my own two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the moat builder? No, they don't.

You see that bridge over the moat? I built that bridge with my ow...

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

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MacGregor, the...

A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. Y...

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What does Hitler call his mac and cheese?

Mein-Kraft

[nsfw] Why did Norm MacDonald never have a farm?

Because he never got old.

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Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

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Bernie Mac

I’m at a bar minding my business, cooling out, just being cool like I am, chillin’. Woman come to me, this is actually the goddamn thing she wanted to do.

She said, “Mac.”
I said, “Yeah, that’s my name.”
She said, “can I ask you a question?”
I said, “yeah.”
She said, “Does p...

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

Where do you find a McDonald´s Big Mac with a very high amount of lumens per square metre?

In a Lux-em-Burger.

What happened when all of Old MacDonald’s animals ran away, except one?

He had a cow.

Why don’t MacBooks sing?

Because you need A Dell.

You should buy the new Mac Pro

It has a grate design.

Why do Mac owners think they are superior?

Because they need to command everything.

What do Germans call their own EasyMac?

Mein Kraft

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

I was in line at MacDonalds the other day during the dinner time rush,

after 25 minutes I finally get served, the girl at the till says "sorry about the weight"

it's about time someone at MacDonalds apologized.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

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Collin MacGregor may not be a racist...

But he sure did take a lot of rights from the black man

Fleetwood Mac

Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again.

They're starting to suspect Stevie Nicks.

Today I decided to upgrade my Mac...

...so I threw a big slice of cheese on it.

Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?

He had a bad experience with windows.

MacGregor

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation.


You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot.
I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'MacGregor the Pier-maker?' No.
And...

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My friend likes to stick big Macs up his butt.

I think he has ass-burgers syndrome.

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.

[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. ...

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Why do many people call my penis the 'Big Mac'?

Because it doesn't look as good or as big as it did in the adverts.

:(

Donald Trump is Mac user

He's definitely not PC

Old MacDonald had a toy store...

GI GI Joe

My mac has a factory defect.

I've been using for 3 years and it still works.

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

What do you call Mac N' Cheese without a lot of cheese?

Lackin' cheese.

I met the man who invented the Big Mac today…

He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

Why can't a Mac sing?

Because it's not Adele

Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common?

They aren’t PC

What do you call Mac&Cheese in Germany?

Mein Kraft

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect it to be in my Big Mac

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

People get offended when I tell Mac jokes.

Probably because they're never PC.

Donald Trump and his followers are buying Macs

So they don't have to be PC anymore.

*Ba dum tsst

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos are getting a divorce after 25 years

.....Well you know she is not leaving him for someone richer....!

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

What's the difference between a Mac user and a PC user

Mac users command, PC users control

Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....

His family ordered the most lavish coffin they could find in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

Ghoul in the Pub (Credit to Paul Sloane & Des MacHale)

Bill, a tourist in Devon, spends the day sightseeing, then decides to finish the day at a pub in a nearby village. He gets absorbed in the rustic atmosphere, but in the midst of drinking a Guinness, he notices what appears to be a ghoul drinking from a small green bottle, across the room. This perso...

Memory joke from Norm MacDonald's new memoir

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.

Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."...

Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand...

E-I-E-I-O.

Why can't people stop buying Apples new Mac Books?

Because theres no escape

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

How is a Mac like a Queen's guard?

They're both run by Unix.

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

Don MacLean lobbied for GM to be included in a carmaker tax

He wanted to bring Chevy to the levy

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I went into the Apple store to get a new MacBook for my wife.

Bastards wouldn't do the deal, and said they prefered cash.

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

What do you call a Big Mac without the special sauce?

Edible.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Yesterday I got 3 IPhone Xs, two MacBooks and a pair of earpods all for $5

I got a great deal on that crowbar.

What wouldn't MacGyver be able to escape from using a paper clip?

A desk job

On the subject of Macs and viruses...

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people wh...

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

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