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Astrology Jokes

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Medicinal Astrology

During his routine medical check, John asked the doctor, " Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life ?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

John said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "M...

What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy?

About 50 IQ points.

Astrology is bunk.

I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer

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Astrology

A man goes to the doctor After a few tests he says  “Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health.”

The doctor says “Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all.”

The man replies  “What? I'm shocked that a doctor believes in that astrology stuff.”

“Oh, not that” answer...

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Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology...

It's called The Kodiak.

One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"

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Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

I can't stand people believing in astrology.

Sorry, but we Pisceans are logical and scientific.

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

I don't believe in astrology at all.

But I am a scorpio, and we are all born skeptics.

I don't really believe in Astrology...

But I guess that's just the Scorpio in me talking.

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Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

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A teacher is teaching her first astrology class

Mrs. Jones is teaching her very first astrology class, and it happens to be to a room full of second-graders. The way she wants to help introduce the different astrological signs is by putting cards face down, one each, on each of the student's desks.

Once she is finished distributing the car...

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My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.

She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.

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I've decided to stop going to my doctor now I've found out he's into astrology

I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was "I've consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus".

If your Mercury is in retrograde, I have a perfect solution for your problem.

Stop believing in astrology.

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Smart son

An illiterate father and his educated son who has a degree in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. A few hours later the father wakes his son and asks:
"look to the sky and tell me what do you see son?"

s: "I see millions of stars."

f: "What does...

There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology...

Scorpios

My wife and I

Let astrology come between us.

It Taurus apart.

How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.

Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

My doctor called three times...

...just to tell me my astrology sign! And he wasn’t even right! And they call themselves “professionals”.

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A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

I told my superstitious friend I was having knee pains

She said "I have been reading into astrology and its said that Capricorn, the sea-goat, has more knee pains. Are you a Capricorn?"

I said "No ma'am. I'm a Taurus, and that's bull."

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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

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