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Astrology is bunk.

I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer

I can't stand people believing in astrology.

Sorry, but we Pisceans are logical and scientific.

It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology...

It's called The Kodiak.

One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

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My doctor said

"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy?

About 50 IQ points.

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

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Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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During my check-up

I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

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Astrology

A man goes to the doctor After a few tests he says  “Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health.”

The doctor says “Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all.”

The man replies  “What? I'm shocked that a doctor believes in that astrology stuff.”

“Oh, not that” answer...

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Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

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I've decided to stop going to my doctor now I've found out he's into astrology

I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was "I've consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus".

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Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

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A man goes to the doctor for anal exam.

Man: What’s wrong, is it serious?

Doctor: It’s not looking too good, I’m afraid. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment.

Man: Please, doctor, I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Nor do I! My thermometer just broke.

I don't believe in astrology at all.

But I am a scorpio, and we are all born skeptics.

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My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.

She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.

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A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology...

Scorpios

When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

My doctor called three times...

...just to tell me my astrology sign! And he wasn’t even right! And they call themselves “professionals”.

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Smart son

An illiterate father and his educated son who has a degree in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. A few hours later the father wakes his son and asks:
"look to the sky and tell me what do you see son?"

s: "I see millions of stars."

f: "What does...

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A guy is being examined by his doctor

The doctor seems troubled.
“How’s it looking doc?” the guy asks. “Anything I should worry about?”
“Bad luck” says the doctor “I think you might die soon. Mercury is in Uranus”
The guy laughs “Ha! Don’t worry, I don’t put any faith it that astrology nonsense”
“No” says the doctor “I mean...

I told my superstitious friend I was having knee pains

She said "I have been reading into astrology and its said that Capricorn, the sea-goat, has more knee pains. Are you a Capricorn?"

I said "No ma'am. I'm a Taurus, and that's bull."

How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.

Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

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