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Remorse Jokes

At first Maximus Decimus Meridius felt remorse for consuming his wife.

But in the end. He was gladiator.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

Russell Crowe showed no remorse after cannibalising his wife.

In fact, he seemed like he was Gladiator.

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails?

He thought it would be a pedicure.

^^^sorry.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional...

'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!'
'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest.
'Hell no.'
'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks.
'What si...

He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse.

He was Gladiator.

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

My buddy told me he has a girlfriend in every state!

1 in a state of denial, 1 in a state of regret, 1 in a state of remorse...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving.

"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sor...

How do guilt-ridden spies communicate with each other?

Remorse code

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

What do you call an apology written only with dots and dashes?

ReMorse code.

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you k...

Telegraph Operators once complained to Morse how some of his codes were confusing and needs to be revised.

But he had no remorse.

Doctor tells his patient he only has 6 months to live...

Upset, the patient shoots the doctor.
At his trial, the judge sentences him to 30 years to life in jail and asks him if he feels any remorse.
He replies, "no, your honor. The doctor gave me 6 months to live, and you gave me 30 years."

Did you hear about the Roman arena combatant who was caught canabilizing a woman?

Showed no remorse, he was gladiator.

A drunk rings the doorbell at dawn

The owner of the house gets up and through the window asks:

- What do you want? Where are you?
- Hello, I know it's late - shouts the drunk - but I need someone to push me, and your house is the only one in this region. You need to push me!

Crazy as hell, the newly awake replies: ...

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

The telegraph must be the most heartless invention...

...because Samuel had no remorse.

Why was Ted Kennedy called the "Lion of the Senate"?

Because he mated at will and killed without remorse.

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

TIL there was once a serial killer that created his own language involving clicks and taps.

He called it “Remorse Code”.

How does a Ham Radio buff send a break-up message?

Remorse Code

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream?

Breyers remorse.

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again.

He had a lot of remorse about that.

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Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend?

He sent out a message in remorse code.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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Graham and Donna met on Tinder.

Donna was a pretty woman with a lisp. Graham was actually the famous porn star Thor the Thunderbolt, so named because his mighty weapon was as long and as thick as the Norse god’s hammer.

Nature took its course, and the pair had a wonderful night of bliss. In the morning, Graham felt remors...

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

Man with Alzheimers tries to sell family a coffin

Man asks the son first : "I can tell you're a man of a refined taste. I'll sell you a coffin for 20% less".

Son anwsers : "I'm in mid 20's,i don't need it"

(Man realizes his mistake in asking the youngest, he changes strategies and asks about the oldest person in the family)

Man...

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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
S...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

Engineering

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer are out golfing one day. To their dismay, they are stuck behind a very very slow threesome of men who cannot hit the ball in the right direction no matter what they do. The doctor flags over the course owner and asks him why these guys are so terrible, and if it w...

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A third lady goes into a pet shop...

...she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act.

At home, she tries to teach ...

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Joining the Congregation

Three married couples, an elderly pair, a middle-aged pair, and two newlyweds, are applying to be a part of the congregation of a church. The pastor tells them that part of the part of the process involves them undergoing a trial of chastity, and as such that they must refrain from sex for two full ...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

Heaven

Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the da...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

A man walks into a bar, at night

He walks in and is seated next to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. All he can think about is how he has to marry her. He strikes a conversation with her and they hit it off. They leave the bar and as they're walking out she gives him her number, her name was Lela.

They had...

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A man comes home early and believes his wife is having an affair

A man named James comes home a bit early one day from work to surprise his wife. As he enters their 11th floor apartment he smells cigarette smoke in the air and notices a pair of men's shoes that he does not own next to the door.

He enters the bedroom and finds his wife is laying naked unde...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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Pillsbury Doughboy

So, the Pillsbury Doughboy was walking down the street one day minding his own business when Woody from Toystory happens upon him. The two recognize each other and say hello, and have a little chat. As the pair were saying their good byes, Woody asks "Can I poke your belly." Doughboy says "I would r...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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