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Psychiatrists Jokes

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

I wore my kilt for my first meeting with my psychiatrist

She told me I was mentally ill just moments after I sat down.

She said ‘I can clearly see your nuts’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill

What’s a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to sex it up a bit//

Wear linge...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two psychiatrists are having drinks...

One of them says to the other:

"I was having lunch with my ex-wife the other day when I made the biggest freudian slip of my life."

"Really" says his friend "what was that?"

I said to her:
"YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!"

when what I meant was:
"Pass th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a sexaholic." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

The psychiatrists meeting...

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.

Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
...

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