Psychoanalyst Jokes - 16 Hilarious Psychoanalyst Jokes

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Psychoanalysts does it take to change a Penis

Lightbulb! Lightbulb, not penis lightbulb

3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar

Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?

Sigmund Freud says: I’ll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass

Carl Jung says: I’ll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass

Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
...

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How many Psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the light bulb and another to hold the penis... **I mean mother!** I mean the step-ladder.

I never knew my real ladder!

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

How do psychoanalysts greet each other?

“You’re fine. How am I?”

I’m really worried about my psychoanalyst

He’s got a lot of naked pictures of my mother.

How does a psychoanalyst change a light bulb?

Guiding the light bulb to change by itself.

Two Psychoanalysts

Are walking towards each other down a street. As they approach each other, one psychiatrist says "Well hello!" The other replies, "Good day to you!"

Both psychiatrists continue past each other and think to themselves: "Hmmm....I wonder what he meant by that?"

A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy

Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit suicide. He is too Jung to die"

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:

\--I want to become a pilot!

\--And me – a fireman!

Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”

The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:

\--Why so?

L...

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A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees...

The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty p...

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

The restaurant patron with a compulsion

A man entered a restaurant and ordered some food and a glass of water. He took a sip of the water, then tossed the remainder into the waiter's face.

Before the waiter could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to waiters....

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves h...

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