UPJOKE
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Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Medieval Yo Mama joke

Saw this joke today, it’s from the 1400’s

A young Florentine was going down to River Arno with one of
those nets in which they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy,
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with
that net of his? "I am going to the Brothel's outlet,"...

What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet?

The answer might shock you...

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

US electrical outlets are a lot like politics.

They both have inherit design flaws that can be dangerous in the hands of idiots.

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

A Zen novice called for an electrician.

Upon arrival at the monk's apartment, the electrician asked how he could be of assistance.

"I'm having trouble with this brand-new lamp that I just bought," the novice said. "I've tested the outlet, I've flipped every switch, and I still can't get it to work."

The electrician examined ...

I shocked myself on the power outlet today

It doesn't feel good. It hertz

What do you call a store that sells wall sockets?

An outlet.

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

So the other day, I was curious what would happen if I licked a wall outlet...

So I did it...



Needless to say, I was shocked.

Many news outlets don't name shooters anymore to prevent copycats...

Explains why we keep having so many hurricanes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He can't help but notice that the covers to all the electrical sockets behind the bar have been scribbled all over with what appears to be crayons. "So what's up with all the crayon scribbles on the plug-ins?" he asks the bartender. "Oh, I did that," the bar...

Our local monastery has opened a fast food outlet.

I went in and said to the guy "Hi, are you the deep fat friar?"

He said "No, I'm the chip monk."

What did the outlet say when she found out that the plug was cheating on her?

Wire you doing this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Just stuck my tongue in an outlet.

The results were shocking.

What's the difference between a power outlet and a Girl

I can turn one on...

What did the wall outlet say to the appliance?

"You're grounded."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Buzzfeed: "Top 20 reasons why you SHOULDN'T have ELECTRICAL OUTLETS"

"Number 11 will shock you!"

I went to a Nautica outlet store

They had sails on everything

How are electric outlets punished?

They're grounded.

What’s an electrician’s favorite store?

The electrical outlet!

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I’d love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Bec...

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

Why do people who live on dead end roads have trouble charging their phones?

Because there’s no outlet

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood?

No Outlets.

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power ...

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

Why was the electrician so excited to go shopping with his wife?

She said they were going to the outlet mall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

First I dated a bonfire

People thought she was hot.

Then I dated a magnet, people found her attractive.

Lastly I dated a power outlet. I still don’t know why people were shocked about that one.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Monk's Secret

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

Harley Davidson dies and goes to heaven...

He was met at the gate by saint Peter. He said to Harley your not suppose to be here, your supposed to be in hell. Harley said no I’m not I want to see the boss. Saint Peter takes Harley to see God. Harley says to God I’m suppose to be up here not in hell. Oh Harley you invented the motorbike, I’m a...

What Engineer Designed The Human Body?

Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body.

The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer.

The electrical engineer diagrams...

Why was the Boy having trouble finding power in the Cul-de-sac?

There was no outlet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom was famous with his amazing drawing skills.

One day he drew a $100 bill on the desk of his teacher. Once the lady entered to the class immediately noticed that and started tearing it. After 10 min she ended up breaking her acrylic nails.

"Tom, get the hell outta here! I need your father right away" yelled the teacher.

30 min la...

Why did the moth kill the other moth?

He was a member of the Mothia.

My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.

---------

"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

I'm starting to think i'm immortal...

I keep putting plastic forks into the electrical outlet and nothing happens :(

A staff member once said..

The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THESE FUCKING LIGHTS DON'T WORK!

Sorry for yelling. I just need an outlet.

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband complains to his wife about their sex life

Sitting in the bedroom, the husband tells his wife:

"I can't do this anymore! We haven't had sex in years!"

"I understand. Let me show you."

So, the pair goes down to the kitchen. The husband gives an angry look to his wife:

"What's this all about?!"

"I want coffee...

Where do plugs like to shop?

The outlet mall.

A wise word of advice from my late grandfather. "When people say fight the power"

"They don't mean stab the power outlets"

We need to revolt against the...

outlets. They have all the power!

A man finds 3 magic lamps in the Sahara....

...he says "Damn, I wish there was an outlet.".

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