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Forbid Jokes

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

Haven’t seen my Indian girlfriend in almost a month because her dad “forbids it”.

Screw you Soshul Distin Singh!

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

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Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?

That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

When I was 18, I wanted to buy a brand new motorbike, but my mother forbid it.

She explained that she had a brother who died in a motorbike crash when he was 18, and so I could have his instead.

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

Anthropologists found a group of people whose religion forbids them from being angry

They're called the Nomads

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The...

The farmer and his daughters.

There is a farmer with three, beautiful daughters. He was always wary of them dating horrible guys so he forbid them to date their entire teenage lives.

But when they turned eighteen the daughters told their father he couldn’t stop them from dating anymore and the farmer, so, instead of fig...

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

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Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone yo...

There are 3 ways to get something done

1: Do it yourself

2: Hire someone to do it for you

3: Forbid your kids from doing it.

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

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A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship...

and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn't tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn't trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who's dick missing.

So the first...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

How about my golf clubs?

Husband: Honey! I've read somewhere that men die much younger and it made me think if God forbid I die before you would you marry again?

Wife: Yes. I think so!

Husband: That's great! I wouldn't want you to be lonely Sweetheart! Do you think you would live in our house?

Wife: I l...

A student son is visiting his father and upon arrival is clearly upset about something.

His dad asks him what is the matter, and the son replies that he just had a horrible first date with this really pretty girl.

Dad asks what happened.

Son:

“Well she asked me if I go to college. I said no.

Then she asked me if I drive a Mercedes. I truthfully said no.
...

A Hindu, a Muslim, and a lawyer are traveling together.

They reach a farmhouse and ask to spend the night. The farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteers, but a short while later there's a knock at the door. "I can't sleep there. There is a cow, and a cow is a sacred animal. My reli...

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped w...

A new Wall Street Journal employee walks into a bar ...

... but can't because the only one near WSJ headquarters is at the bottom of a giant square-shaped sinkhole.

He asks an older employee what happened, but is just told that it can be accessed with the city's subway station. Still confused, he decides to walk underground to investigate and e...

A husband and wife are watching a movie

The film is about a widower struggling to raise children alone.

The wife turns to here husband and says, "If I die, I want you to remarry, so the kids will have a mother."

He says, "Yeah, I guess that would be best."

She gets mad at his lack of loyalty. "Just like that, huh? You...

I've made a bard/rogue for DnD...

His signature move is seducing the enemy with a dozen kisses, from shoulder to ear.

But apprently our party forbids neck-romancey

With his friends, Billy schedules a fishing trip

They decide to spend the weekend at the lake, fishing by the quiet of nature. With all decided, Billy returns home to tell his wife. The wife, however, didn't like the idea and forbid him to go. The next day, the poor man tells his friends "Sorry guys, I won't make it. My wife won't let me" and afte...

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A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether....

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Patient: Doctor please kiss me!

Doctor: I am sorry, I can’t! My code of ethics forbids me to kissing my patients. Honestly speaking we should not be having sex either.

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The Peanut Gallery

Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called "Riddle Griddle." It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the "Peanut Galleries" of Mickey Mouse and ...

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True false tests

Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests? It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.

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Hippie and the nun

One day, a hippie enters a bus and sits down beside a nun. He asks her if they want to have sex but she declines saying: "Jesus is my master and he forbids me to have sex with you."
The next day, the hippie asks her again but she refuses again. Before he leaves the bus, the busdriver holds him ba...

The World Tour

A wealthy man and his wife had been wanting to go on a world tour for a long time, with the only thing preventing them from doing so being the wife's devotion to their cat, Mittens. She simply could not bear the thought of being away from Mittens for a couple of months while they go and visit all th...

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Old farmers joke I learned when I was little.

Farmer John was a quiet little farmer, living on his farm with his wife and his tiny flock of sheep that only counted 8 female sheep´s and one ram.

One fall something horrible happened, he lost his ram. And since the closest sheep farmer was over 9 hour drive one way, he ran to his neighbor t...

A lady waits for the bus

An old Soviet lady has been waiting for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in.

When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, thank God!" The driver overheard her and said, "Mother, you must not say that, Yo...

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