When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

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Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt?

It was a huge cat ass trophy

I told my girlfriend today that she was the prettiest girl alive

Apparently that was a bad way to tell her i’m a necrophile.

What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home?

"Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"

The magic carpet

Three girlfriends (a blonde, a brunette and a redhead) go to a carpet store that was advertising magic carpets for sale.

They enter the store and the salesperson greets then and informs them that only one magic carpet remain, all the flying ones were sold and the one remaining was a truth te...

Farmer John had the prettiest wife in town--we're talking a real dish

--and every many in town wanted her. Sam Spoon wanted her the most, and he had a plan to get her. Every day Farmer John would drive his truck to the base of his pasture to feed his prize cow, Bessie. Farmer John'd throw hay over the fence and ring a big cowbell, and when she heard it, Bessie'd come ...

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

4 reasons why we should date

A man asks the prettiest girl he has ever seen out.

She responds: "Name 4 reasons why I should date you."

He says: "Sure, I'll give you 4 big reasons:

* A - I'm very attractive. I'm the tallest guy in this town.
* B - I'm smarter than 99% of men. My IQ is above 130.
* C...

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

A guy arrives home early...

Father: you’re home early...

Son: *sigh* yeah, I got kicked out.

Father: What?! Why?!

Son: the prettiest girl in my math class offered to give me a handjob and I just couldn’t say “no”

Father: I don’t think they’re going to let you teach there anymore

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

A blonde, a brunette, and a black-haired girl are walking down their high school hallway

when they come across a genie's lamp. The black-haired girl rubs it, and a genie comes out. He tells them that he'll give each of them three wishes if they say something true about themselves. If not, they'll go "poof", and die.

So the black-haired girl squeals, "I think I'm the prettiest gir...

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Retiring Mailman

The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out.<...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,

"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mir...

A Blond, Brunette and a Redhead go to a Bar

They come up to the bartender and the bartender says "we have a magic mirror in the girl's bathroom, if you tell it a truth about yourself you'll get free drinks and if you tell it a lie it will kill you." Excited, the brunette rushes to the bathroom and says "I think I'm the prettiest out of the t...

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

John call suzy on her mobile

John: hello

Suzy:hey,whatchu doin?

John:y'know,just calling the prettiest girl I ever saw

Suzy: awww

John: yeah, but she's not picking up. So I decided to call you instead

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

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A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

A married woman is walking through a desert cave one day when she comes across a magical genie lamp

She rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out. "Thank you for getting me out of that cursed lamp! I... I was so crowded in there. Listen, to make it up to you, I'll give you three wishes".

The woman is overjoyed. She jumps up and down excitedly, but then the genie speaks again.

"However, I...

Blonde Joke

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde walk into a magic shop. The owner tells them about a magic mirror that makes people disappear when they tell lies.

The girls walk up to the mirror and take turns testing to see if it works.

Brunette: “I think I’m the smartest girl in the world.”...

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College Anatomy class

A professor at a university was starting a lecture for his new students.

He says "Welcome to college anatomy 101 where we'll be discussing everything about the human body. Some things that we'll discuss may make you feel a little awkward, but don't worry about that."

To test the leve...

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A boy gets into a horrible accident and ends up losing an eyeball

So him and his father go to the hospital and ask the doctor what type of options they have for a fake eye.

The doctor says, "well we have a nice plastic one that looks very real and it's great quality. Its 20 grand."

The dad says, "that's a little too much for us. Any other options?...

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

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A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a p...

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What did the dentist say to his nymphomaniac patient?

You have the prettiest teeth I've ever cum across!

Long Lines

A young boy likes the prettiest girl in school and decides to ask her out to prom. Due to her being so pretty, there's a long line he waits in to ask her out.

The young boy realized that he needed a corsage for his pretty date so he goes to buy one. Due to it being so close to prom, he waits ...

Long

An abusive husband and his wife were lost in the desert. While their walking they stumbled upon an old lamp. The wife rubbed it and a genie.
Since he is a misogynist he said : Ill give you three wishes , but for each wish your husband will get it ten folds...
The wife was shocked and vanquis...

Three ladies.

Three ladies went out to the flee market. A blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They found a magic mirror that told them this "each of you has to say something about herself, if it's true I'll grant you a wish but if it's false I'll kill you ". The ladies agreed, and the redhead said "i have the cutes...

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

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She was just a prostitute...

but she had the prettiest face I'd ever come accross.

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[Long] My buddy and I were out fishing, when suddenly our boat sank

We both drowned, and I woke up in hell. I see a giant creature slowly walking towards me, when I realize it's the devil himself.

"Welcome to hell!" he yells at me, while guiding me along a long corridor.

"What the hell Satan, why did I end up down here?!" I yelled at him.

"I've...

The Magic Mirror

This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded.

3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes.

"I think I'm...

You guys ever heard the one about the sculptor and his Italian friend?

There once was a sculptor who made beautiful pieces of work. His specialty was beautiful women. He'd toil away for hours on end, immortalizing the prettiest women in plaster and granite. But one day, he realized that his work was no longer in demand. Distraught, he called over his closest friend, an...

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A plane is about to crash..

A plane is about to crash. The white woman begins to put make up on... everyone asks her what she is doing. She says its because everyone looks for the prettiest woman first. An asian woman stuffs a bunch of money into her clothes, someone asks her what she is doing... She says that they always look...

3 women on a plane (originally an arabic joke)

A lebanese, an Egyptian, and a Somali are on a plane. The pilot announces that the plane is crashing into the ocean.

The Lebanese woman starts quickly putting on make up. The other two ask her why and she says:"the rescue team would likely save the prettiest girl first."

The Egyptian...

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Found on Quora

Answer to Quora question "What happened to the prettiest girl from your high school?"


Her name was Stacey.

One day I asked Stacey out on a date.

She turned me down.

You see I used to have a stutter, and she thought that it was annoying.

I was like: “Okay, whate...

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

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A man wins $5000 at a casino in Las Vegas.

He is so excited after winning some cash he decided to get a prostitute for the night. He goes to the lobby of the casino and finds the prettiest working girl in the whole place. He takes her up to his room for some sexy-times.

"Alright, so what'll it be?" asks the girl.

"hmmm, how abo...

What did Bill Clinton find attractive about Monica Lewinsky?

He said she had the prettiest smile he ever came across.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stumble across a magic mirror

The trio spot a sign next to it reading "Whatever ye think you are, shall come true!"

The group are excited, and the brunette offers to go first.

She steps up to the mirror and says "I think I am the prettiest person in the world!" she immediately gets a call, and after answering, scr...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar

This bar was a magical genie bar. They talk to the bartender who tells them. "There is a mirror that, if you tell the truth in, grants you your greatest wish. But beware, lying will cause you to disappear forever"

So, the brunette walks up to the mirror and confidently speaks. "I think I am t...

Blonde, brunette, and a redhead

Once upon a time, there was a blonde, brunette and a redhead... And there was a magic mirror. If you went up to the magic mirror and said something true, nothing would happen to you. But if you went up to the magic mirror and said something false, you would disappear.

So the redhead goes up ...

A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...

...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.

"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to thi...

Superman, Snow White, and Quasimodo visit the mirror on the wall

Superman wants to ask if he is the strongest of them all. So, he goes to ask the mirror and when he comes back he is proud of himself and says, "Yes, yes! I am the strongest of them all." Next Snow White wants to know if she is the prettiest of them all. She goes and asks the mirror and comes back ...

The Magic Mirror

3 women walk into a bar, a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead. The barkeep says that there's a rumor going around that the third mirror in the ladies restroom is enchanted, and if you say something true to it, it will grant you your hearts greatest desire. But beware, for if you lie, you will disappe...

A blonde, a brunette, and a Redhead are all in a bar

The bartender goes up to them and says "Hey ladies, I can grant you a wish if you can tell me one true statement."
"However if you lie to me, you will disappear.
Skeptical, the redhead goes up first and says
"Okay, then I think I am the prettiest one in this room."
The bartender says <...

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Hair-lip and his boat

Long one but a good one, dad told this one the best. You have to do the red neck voice for maximum effect.

Joe is at a bar having a drink, when his red neck friend Billy comes in saying
"Joe y-y-you need to get yourself a boat, best damn thing I ever did"

"Why's that?"

"Man I...

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

There's a legend of a old bar in the slums of New York

In the women's restroom is a mirror. If you tell the mirror something true about yourself it rewards you with 500,000 dollars. If you tell a lie it sucks you up never to be heard from again.


So a ginger women walks in and says " l think I'm the prettiest of all the girls !" The mirror swa...

A Blonde, A Brunette and an Asian were stuck on an Island...

and a genie came out and said, "each one of you have to tell me a truth, if you lie, I will make you disappear!"

The Asian proceeded to say, "I think I am the prettiest girl in the whole world!"

Puff! She disappeared.

The Brunette then said, "I think I am the prettiest girl in t...

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