Attractive Jokes - 61 Hilarious Attractive Jokes

Women and not being attractive

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and .

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland.

Here’s a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.

The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: “So, what part of Poland are you from?”.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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An attractive blonde was failing math class...

She approached the professor, distraught, and asked if she could speak with him.

He, of course, was eager to assist.

She then sat down, and started to explain ...

'Professor, when I was 8, my appendix burst and they had to take it out.

I then wrecked my bike and they had...

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely .” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had ?”
<...

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

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My girlfriend got a job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

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An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you !"

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

Man in Restaurant Sees Extremely Attractive Woman Sitting Alone...

so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings it and the lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man.

It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inch...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Your mom is very attractive...

...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled .”

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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you !"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The ...

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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to ge...

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A man asks an attractive friend if they’d have with him for $1

“No,” they said with a look of confusion and mild annoyance.

“Well,” the guy said. “Would you have with me for $20?”

“No,” they said again, a bit more annoyed.

“Okay,” the guy says. “How about $100?”

“Absolutely not!” They said, now getting a little upset.

“...

A very attractive nurse was working a hectic schedule of double shifts all week...

So she didn't really have time to do laundry. She had no clean underwear so she just figured she'd throw on some scrubs and head to work.

Her shift that day was a nightmare. She lost 3 elderly patients while she was in the room cleaning. She took a short break to mourn, then headed to care f...

Two attractive women were talking...

1. Hey, I had a great time last night, I slept with a Brazilian.

2. OMG, how many is a brazilian?

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

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This guy's balls are unbelievably attractive

It's pretty nuts

I’m not saying I’m attractive…

but when I take off my clothes in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?

Because they're stud-ants!

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Jane found Tarzan attractive

When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle, she had never seen such a fit man, and she was greatly attracted to him. As they got to know each other, she asked him what he though of .

"? What is ?" Tarzan asked.

She explained the concept, and he responded, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in th...

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a on it.

What do you call an attractive lady terrorist?

A Ji-hottie

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking girl the other night,

so I asked her,“Do you always give guys such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”

“That’s my business!” she snapped back at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realise,” I responded. “How much?”

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid Flanders.

If I had a nickel for every woman that found me attractive…

I’d have 2 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

When did I realize I was attractive?

Opposite day

I just met this really attractive sky diving instructor.

You could say I fell for him.

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

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on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

A very attractive young woman takes a vacation to Scotland

While she is there, she sees a local in traditional Scottish attire. She walks up to him as says "excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but there is something I have always wondered: is it true that Scotsmen don't wear anything beneath their kilts?"

"Well, lassie" says the Scotsman "why don't y...

What do you can an attractive door?

A-door-able!

A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.

I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established ...

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

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