UPJOKE
artartisttemperawatercoloroil paintingcanvaspaintstill lifedecoratorillustratorportraitrenaissancecubismfrancecollage

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

Why was Georgia O’Keeffe a terrible house painter?

She never masked the trim.

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

I used to be a painter but I could never stop crying...

The work was just so emulsional

What do you call a painter that loves running through grass?

Jackson Frolic

Why are there no fat painters?

Because they all went to the paint store to get thinner

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Donald’s son is a great painter

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom. His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up. She called his father on phone to complain about the kid and explain what had happened

The father from his hospital bed ICU replied: "You got lucky Maam.........

"At home that bast...

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The old painter

A mobster bough a new house in the suburbs and wanted to re-paint the fence.He called a local painter. The painter was 70yo guy. He took one look at the mobster and thought "This guy surely is dumb - I will ask him for triple the normal price" and so he did.The mobster who was not as dumb as he look...

A man hired a painter and was just about to pay him.

The painter said it was on the house.

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

How did the painter respond to his stolen car

Where did my van gogh?

What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy?

An ARTY-Fact

What do you call it when Russian dentists and painters unite?

The Brushin’ Federation

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The beer factory owner is ringing the bell at the house of the painter.

His wife opens the door.
"I have bad news for you", says the factory owner, "your husband was painting the ceiling of my factory and fell down into a tank of beer. He died.".
"O no", said the lady "did he suffer much?"
"I don't think so" says the owner, "he managed to get out twice to...

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Hitler eventually proved his art school Teachers wrong , and DID become one of the greatest painters of all time...

It's just the he painted an underground bunker with his brains.

An owner of a painting company needs to hire a painter for a job he is doing

So he goes down to unemployment to hire a painter. They tell him they don't have any - the only person they have at the moment is a gynecologist. He says that won't do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynecologist.
...

A painter asked me..

.. if he can make a painting of my wife.
Me: Sure, but make it beautiful.
Painter: Of course. You will feel as if the paiting will talk to you.
Me: Oh! Sorry, leave it then.

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

I used to work as a painter

I took up the occupation to broaden my horizons

6-year-old Little Johnny is at the psychologist

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the psychologist.

"A doctor, a painter, or a window cleaner," says the child.

"Well, it's not quite clear to me."

"Of course it is! I want to see naked women, that's all!"

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

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A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

Why was the worlds greatest painter's wardrobe so small?

He only ever needed one coat.

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

Did you hear about the Dutch painter that swapped a Hemi into his Chrysler Voyager?

Everyone in town said, "Look at Vincent's van go!"

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

Do painters uses a lot of primer?

Well, I gesso.

A husband and wife are having all the walls in their house painted.

The morning after their bedroom is painted, the husband gets up and gets dressed to go to work. But he accidentally presses his hand against the wall, leaving a handprint.

When the wife wakes up, she sees the handprint. Since the bedroom was painted just yesterday, she realizes that her husba...

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Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

I was a house painter for 4 years...

I never thought I'd get that house done.

A painter gets a helper from the unemployment office

A few days later the lady from the office calls the painter and apologizes deeply for the mistake.

"What mistake?"

"I'm so sorry, instead of a painter we sent you a gynecologist. Please just let him go, we send you a..."

"Let him go? You nuts, he's my best worker! At the last jo...

What do you call a painter with Coronavirus?

Van Cough

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

...

Prince Harry is leaving the royal family to become a painter

He's going to be the artist formerly known as Prince.....

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."

Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He...

Did you hear about the painter who died?

Apparently it was due to too many strokes

My wife was cheating on me with the painter.

I caught him red-handed.

Someone pretending to be a painter told a very convincing story and stole your Mexican food. What happened?

You’ve been hit by a chili-con-artist

Why did the mathematician fail as a painter?

His art was derivative.

I always wanted to be an abstract painter.

I won't go into detail.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to sh...

Blonde Painter

One day, a blonde decided to end all of the notions that blondes are dumb and can't do anything right, so she decided to get a job as a painter and prove them wrong. She went house to house asking for a job, and most rejected due to that she was blonde.

She then came upon an old man, and he s...

Why was the painter fired?

He lacked luster

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

what do you call a painter who gets terrible headaches?

an aspirin artist.

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at th...

The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A yo...

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish!

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter.

The same day a young man goes to the manager's office.

-Here you have your brush and your bucket of white paint. You'll do this day as a test, if you do well enough, you'll be hir...

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother...

I tried to be a self-portrait painter.

But in the end it just wasn't me.

How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

What happens when a painter can't finish a joke?

Sketch Comedy

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your d...

A painter unveils his five new paintings in a gallery...

A painter unveils his four new paintings in a gallery. The first is a cubism painting of x^3. The second is an abstract painting depicting 3x^2. The third is a realism painting depicting 6x. The next is a landscape painting of the number 6. The last is a simplistic painting of the number 0.
...

I was talking to a painter once

I asked him why did he insist on old styles, he told me that old habits dye hard

A painter asked: How am I selling?

Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?...

What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter?

Mohammed Dali

Shlemiel the Painter

Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck.

The next day Shlemie...

How do painters stay warm?

They add another coat.

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Why was Hitler such a bad painter

He could only paint reichtangles

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Road Painter

A man wants a line painted down the middle of a private road, so he posts an advertisement for a road painter. Only one person calls him to apply for the job.

When he interviews the applicant, the man can tell that the guy is dim-witted, but since he is the only person available for the job ...

What did the painter do when he was angry?

He made a scene.

Blonde painter

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," s...

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

What do you call a painter with a brown finger?

Picasso

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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this [bonus joke!](http://www.bash.org/?69527)

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

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Okay so this joke is one that is from WW2 Germany by the poor bastard Germans who did not want the Nazis in power.

Hitler, being a landscape painter, enjoyed going on drives with his driver and looking at the countryside. So out one day he points out a beautiful mountain and while he is telling his driver why it is so pretty the driver hits and kills a pig.
The driver just wants to drive off... he is with Hit...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

A lot of women watch “Fixer Upper”...

...and think they can apply it to an industrial painter with multiple felonies.

5 And’s

Not really a joke, more like general humor

A teacher asks her class how many times they can use the same word in a row, in a grammatically correct sentence.

Jimmy says he can use the word “and” 5 times. So the gauntlet was thrown down

He tells the story - there was a painter hi...

The art critic

A young painter is exhibiting his work for the first time, and a famous art critic is in attendance.

The critic has a look around and then finds the artist, saying to him: "Do you want my opinion on your art?"

The artist of course says "yes"

The critic replies "it's worthless"...

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends?

He was way too autistic for his own good.

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