What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy?

An ARTY-Fact

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

What do you call an average painter?

Picasso-so

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

What do you call a painter that loves running through grass?

Jackson Frolic

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

I used to be a painter but I could never stop crying...

The work was just so emulsional

Do painters uses a lot of primer?

Well, I gesso.

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Joe, Bob, and Mike are painters working on a house..

Mike says "I'm going to have a smoke break, I'll be back in a few".

A while later Bob noticed that Mike hasn't come back yet. They wait a bit longer, but still no Mike. They try calling his cell phone, but there's no answer.

The next day he's still a no show. They decide to ...

Why was the worlds greatest painter's wardrobe so small?

He only ever needed one coat.

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat

Prince Harry is leaving the royal family to become a painter

He's going to be the artist formerly known as Prince.....

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."

Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He...

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A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

A painter gets a helper from the unemployment office

A few days later the lady from the office calls the painter and apologizes deeply for the mistake.

"What mistake?"

"I'm so sorry, instead of a painter we sent you a gynecologist. Please just let him go, we send you a..."

"Let him go? You nuts, he's my best worker! At the last jo...

What do you call a painter with Coronavirus?

Van Cough

Someone pretending to be a painter told a very convincing story and stole your Mexican food. What happened?

You’ve been hit by a chili-con-artist

Why was the painter fired?

He lacked luster

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

...

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

Did you hear about the painter who died?

Apparently it was due to too many strokes

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...

5 And’s

Not really a joke, more like general humor

A teacher asks her class how many times they can use the same word in a row, in a grammatically correct sentence.

Jimmy says he can use the word “and” 5 times. So the gauntlet was thrown down

He tells the story - there was a painter hi...

Why did the mathematician fail as a painter?

His art was derivative.

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Three surgeons are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.

First surgeon says, ''I prefer engineers. When you cut them open, all their organs are so well arranged.''

Second surgeon says, ''I prefer painters. They are so colourful from inside.''

The third one pauses and says, ''I prefer lawyers since they are the easiest to operate on. Not only...

I always wanted to be an abstract painter.

I won't go into detail.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

Did 'ja hear the one about the criminal painter?

he was framed

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John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.

She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.

The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are luc...

Why did the painter give the wall 2 coats?

Because it was winter

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

My painter friend died recently.

He died from a stroke.

There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to sh...

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter.

The same day a young man goes to the manager's office.

-Here you have your brush and your bucket of white paint. You'll do this day as a test, if you do well enough, you'll be hir...

[Long] A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street, at the first house he passes by, there's a painter painting the entire house pink, so the man asks "why are you painting the entire house pink?" The painter answers that there are new residents, namely two girls from r/Women and they like pink. They wish each other ...

what do you call a painter who gets terrible headaches?

an aspirin artist.

My wife was cheating on me with the painter.

I caught him red-handed.

How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

The art critic

A young painter is exhibiting his work for the first time, and a famous art critic is in attendance.

The critic has a look around and then finds the artist, saying to him: "Do you want my opinion on your art?"

The artist of course says "yes"

The critic replies "it's worthless"...

The Scottish Painter

There was a Scottish painter named Jack who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a little bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration j...

I tried to be a self-portrait painter.

But in the end it just wasn't me.

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish!

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at th...

The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A yo...

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You save someone from drowing, and nobody says, "Hey there goes Joe the hero". You paint the orphanage, and they don't shout, "Look, there's Joe, the orphanage painter!"

But you fuck **one** goat...

What happens when a painter can't finish a joke?

Sketch Comedy

Blonde Painter

One day, a blonde decided to end all of the notions that blondes are dumb and can't do anything right, so she decided to get a job as a painter and prove them wrong. She went house to house asking for a job, and most rejected due to that she was blonde.

She then came upon an old man, and he s...

A painter unveils his five new paintings in a gallery...

A painter unveils his four new paintings in a gallery. The first is a cubism painting of x^3. The second is an abstract painting depicting 3x^2. The third is a realism painting depicting 6x. The next is a landscape painting of the number 6. The last is a simplistic painting of the number 0.
...

A painter asked: How am I selling?

Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?...

I was talking to a painter once

I asked him why did he insist on old styles, he told me that old habits dye hard

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother...

How do painters stay warm?

They add another coat.

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Okay so this joke is one that is from WW2 Germany by the poor bastard Germans who did not want the Nazis in power.

Hitler, being a landscape painter, enjoyed going on drives with his driver and looking at the countryside. So out one day he points out a beautiful mountain and while he is telling his driver why it is so pretty the driver hits and kills a pig.
The driver just wants to drive off... he is with Hit...

A painter got a call...

from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your d...

A model asked a painter girl

"Why do you always paint me in black and white"

"There is no u in color" She said

What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter?

Mohammed Dali

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Road Painter

A man wants a line painted down the middle of a private road, so he posts an advertisement for a road painter. Only one person calls him to apply for the job.

When he interviews the applicant, the man can tell that the guy is dim-witted, but since he is the only person available for the job ...

Blonde painter

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," s...

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

"You sound just like me!"

Shlemiel the Painter

Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck.

The next day Shlemie...

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Why was Hitler such a bad painter

He could only paint reichtangles

What did the painter do when he was angry?

He made a scene.

What do you call a painter with a brown finger?

Picasso

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this [bonus joke!](http://www.bash.org/?69527)

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

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911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!

911: How do you know he was a painter?

Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

The man

There was a man who had a stroke then after he survived he became a painter

You could say it was a stroke of genius

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.

Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.

Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.

Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since h...

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

Why isn't Starry Night a perfect painting?

Because the painter only had Van Gogh.

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers...

Three surgeons was meeting for a drink...

... Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

"The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered."


The second surgeon did dissagree:

"I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All their organs got different co...

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

The church needs painting

So the Preacher hires a painter to do the work. After completion everything looks great until the first rain storm and then the paint starts streaking down the walls. The Preacher calls back the painter and ask’s what went wrong. The painter admits he watered down the paint to save costs. The Preac...

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