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Motto Jokes

Coping with the depression of my wife cheating on me has made me unhealthy. My new motto is going to be #BEACHEATER

The doctor told me that the sand is very good for health

Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel?

Customers always comes first.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

My ex's motto: "If it ain't broke..."

"...date it."

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

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Grammar Nazi Motto

We have ways of making you talk.

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

Arkansas state motto

“Thank god for Mississippi”

You know what the official motto of reopening restaurants is?

"I'll have what he is having."

My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore.

What is the official motto of men who pay for egirls?

Simper Fi.

The motto at times with Corona

Do NOT surround yourself with positive people.

Bruce had a motto: "Never ask a lady's age"

That's why he's under arrest now and his bar got closed.

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

What's the Wisconsin State Motto?

Come and Smell Our Dairy Air!

My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

What is skeleton nike's motto

Just Doot It

What was the motto of the Aztecs?

Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.

I'll open a bar and call it "The Doctors Office"

Motto: Get your shots here

What's the motto of the Greek army?

Never leave your buddy's behind.

Do you know what the Kardashian's family motto is?

Been getting black men off since the OJ Simpson trial.

What will be the campaign motto of Trump's opponent in 2020?

Make America Great Again

My parents' motto is "Try and try until you succeed", and as the Firstborn, I don't get it.

and so does my 25 younger siblings.

What is the motto for the Epilepsy Research Society?

Sieze the day

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

United Airlines new customer service motto: If you can't beat 'em....

....BEAT 'EM!

My motto is “Efficiency. Efficiency. Efficiency.”

Oop. I guess I only need to say it once.

My blood type is also my life motto:

B Positive

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My Dad's Motto

My dad always lived by the motto "work hard, play hard." Until mum made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.

You know why the Oklahoma license plate has the motto, "It's OK"?

Because they couldn't fit "Mediocre"

Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto?

"United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

What's the motto of the American Writers Guild?

YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!

What's a good motto for a sewage treatment plant?

Our duty is clear.
Credit: Futurama

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

If I owned a restaurant back in the era of racial segregation, do you know what our motto would be?

"The customer's always white."

America's new motto

If it's worth eating it's worth over eating.

Did you know the world's first sniper was Mexican? He even inspired the Sniper motto.

Juan shot, Juan kill.

What's the motto for Child Protective Services?

"You shake em' we take em!"

Jared from subway really took the company motto seriously.

You could say he liked to "eat fresh"

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What do Nuns and Prostitutes have in common?

They both live by the motto "No money, no sex."

My Dad told me this one ( he is ex navy)

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

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Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.

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Pygmy tribe legend

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while...

My cousin was one of the most ambitious people I ever knew. Unfortunately, he struggled with depression. His life motto?

"Gosh darn it, I'm going to kill myself, or die trying!"

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I gave my wife a copy of doom

It sucks because each time we try to have sex she goes by the motto RIP and tear until it's done

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

“Never Apologise! Never Explain!”

Sorry, that’s my motto.

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

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In Shakesperean language, 'wit' was slang for a man's penis

It takes a new meaning to the motto of Ravenclaw house: "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Bonus: Redditors' motto-
REDUCE
REUSE
REPOST

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

BBQ joke (OC)

“Mmmmmmm. This all reminds me of Fred. His motto was, “Low and slow.”

“He was seriously into barbecue, huh?”

“No, unfortunately, he was a pilot “

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

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Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

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New US dollar announced today...

They've decided to change the motto. After much pressure from atheist groups, they're removing 'In God We Trust' and going back to Latin. However, 'E Pluribus Unum' sounds too foreign and reeks of socialism, so they're going with a more simple and straightforward 'Carpe Vulva'.

The runner up ...

How is Oracle the opposite of Google?

Google's motto is "don't be evil"

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gen...

Pencil Box Kingdom

Who's the king of the pencil box?

The ruler.

What's the kingdom's most important discovery?

Pencillin.

What is the national sport?

Erasing.

What's the national motto?

Keep calm, Crayon.

Who are their discriminated minority?

The whites....

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter

Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

In lieu of the recent manhunt...

The LAPD's motto is "to protect and serve." I think they ought to change it to "We'll treat you like a King."

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Topical Jokes for 1/31

The CEO of McDonald’s has announced he’ll be resigning later this year. It’s the first time in history that a McDonald’s employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.

The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch ‘n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remin...

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An Am...

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