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Motto Jokes

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky.

What’s the motto of the association of boomerang owners?

What goes around, comes around.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

My motto is, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Anyway, I don't give skydiving lessons anymore.

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel?

Customers always comes first.

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

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Grammar Nazi Motto

We have ways of making you talk.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

My ex's motto: "If it ain't broke..."

"...date it."

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

What's the Wisconsin State Motto?

Come and Smell Our Dairy Air!

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

The motto at times with Corona

Do NOT surround yourself with positive people.

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

What is skeleton nike's motto

Just Doot It

Bruce had a motto: "Never ask a lady's age"

That's why he's under arrest now and his bar got closed.

You know what the official motto of reopening restaurants is?

"I'll have what he is having."

Carpe Diem is a great motto and all...

but if you seize everyday, you probably have epilepsy

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My Dad's Motto

My dad always lived by the motto "work hard, play hard." Until mum made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.

What's the motto of the Greek army?

Never leave your buddy's behind.

Coping with the depression of my wife cheating on me has made me unhealthy. My new motto is going to be #BEACHEATER

The doctor told me that the sand is very good for health

What was the motto of the Aztecs?

Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

What is the official motto of men who pay for egirls?

Simper Fi.

United Airlines new motto:

"Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

America's new motto

If it's worth eating it's worth over eating.

My motto is “Efficiency. Efficiency. Efficiency.”

Oop. I guess I only need to say it once.

The Kardashian Family motto:

Getting black men off since the OJ trial.

My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

I almost got a tattoo of my life motto the other day.

"Never back out".

What is the motto for the Epilepsy Research Society?

Sieze the day

My buddy asked me to tell him when he'd been lifting for ten minutes. But I said no, because my motto is:

"Time weights for no man."

My blood type is also my life motto:

B Positive

What will be the campaign motto of Trump's opponent in 2020?

Make America Great Again

What's the motto of the American Writers Guild?

YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!

Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto?

"United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

Fillet - o - friend

In 1874, Alfred Packer and his party were caught in a snowstorm in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. When he was finally rescued, the rest of the party was dead. Packer was found to have dined on "fillet of friend". At the murder trial - before Packer was found guilty - the judge reportedly yelled at hi...

Jared from subway really took the company motto seriously.

You could say he liked to "eat fresh"

My parents' motto is "Try and try until you succeed", and as the Firstborn, I don't get it.

and so does my 25 younger siblings.

What's the motto for Child Protective Services?

"You shake em' we take em!"

People sometimes mock me for having amnesia

It’s okay. My motto is forget about it and move on.

The World Health Organization have a new motto out this year! (drum roll please)

Who cares... ?

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

Did you know the world's first sniper was Mexican? He even inspired the Sniper motto.

Juan shot, Juan kill.

If I owned a restaurant back in the era of racial segregation, do you know what our motto would be?

"The customer's always white."

I'll open a bar and call it "The Doctors Office"

Motto: Get your shots here

Q: Why did the blonde take her car to the Scout jamboree to get its horn fixed?

A: Someone told her the Scout motto is “Be prepared”.

My Dad told me this one ( he is ex navy)

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

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Though he passed away decades ago, I really think my grandpa would have supported LGBTQ+ marriage in all of its forms.

His motto was "Fuck everyone.".

Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.

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What do Nuns and Prostitutes have in common?

They both live by the motto "No money, no sex."

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

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I gave my wife a copy of doom

It sucks because each time we try to have sex she goes by the motto RIP and tear until it's done

“Never Apologise! Never Explain!”

Sorry, that’s my motto.

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

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In Shakesperean language, 'wit' was slang for a man's penis

It takes a new meaning to the motto of Ravenclaw house: "Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Bonus: Redditors' motto-
REDUCE
REUSE
REPOST

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

So there is a First class only Indian Airline.

Their motto is "We will treat you passengers like Cattle"

BBQ joke (OC)

“Mmmmmmm. This all reminds me of Fred. His motto was, “Low and slow.”

“He was seriously into barbecue, huh?”

“No, unfortunately, he was a pilot “

There is a local beer company here in Utah called Polygamy Porter

Their motto is "Beer so good, why not have more than one"

How is Oracle the opposite of Google?

Google's motto is "don't be evil"

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

Pencil Box Kingdom

Who's the king of the pencil box?

The ruler.

What's the kingdom's most important discovery?

Pencillin.

What is the national sport?

Erasing.

What's the national motto?

Keep calm, Crayon.

Who are their discriminated minority?

The whites....

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New US dollar announced today...

They've decided to change the motto. After much pressure from atheist groups, they're removing 'In God We Trust' and going back to Latin. However, 'E Pluribus Unum' sounds too foreign and reeks of socialism, so they're going with a more simple and straightforward 'Carpe Vulva'.

The runner up ...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

In lieu of the recent manhunt...

The LAPD's motto is "to protect and serve." I think they ought to change it to "We'll treat you like a King."

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gen...

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

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Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An Am...

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