Phillip Schofield is set to leave ITV

as he prefers BBC

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates

DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old.

Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".

DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

Why did John Phillip Sousa always get his leftovers to go?

Because he was a composter.

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

Whats the difference between me and Phillip Schofield?

It only takes me 27 seconds to dissapoint my wife.

Livid, just found out that Prince Phillip died in the Queen's Arms.

I thought they weren't open till Monday!

This just in (Royal funeral update)

The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

I have a friend named Phillip

He loves mixing orange juice and vodka. Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.

It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phillip fancied

himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Phillip threw himself into the arr...

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A king has two full glasses of water and one empty glass. What is his name?

King Phillip the Third.

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday..

we call him Phil now

Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school

and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Emo Phillips

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

If anyone sees Phillip...

...tell him I have his screwdriver.

What do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip?

You get killed in a car accident.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

Them: Whose skull is that?

Me: *raising it to my lips to take a drink* a guy named Phillip.

Them: What's in it?

Me: Vodka and orange juice.

Them: .....

Me: It's a "Phillips Head Screw Driver"

Anyone seen "Captain Phillips"?

If not, I have a pirated copy you can borrow.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Wife: Flat heads, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was the one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

[Pickup Line] Are you a phillips or flathead?

OP: Uh, I don't know, why?

YOU: I'm just trying to figure out how to screw you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British are very strange people.

They call pants ‘trousers’, shopping carts ‘trolleys’ and 6.7 raccoons in a human suit ‘Prince Phillip’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

A king has 3 cups...

The first one is filled with water. The second one is filled up with water. The third one is empty.

What is the King called?





Phillip the 3rd

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

This is a funny joke my old boss told me a while back

What do you call a Frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

I love playing chess with bald men in the park,

but it's hard to find 32 of them.

-Emo Phillips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade...

When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad".
The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French"
Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?"
Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is P...

Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

The old dog, the leopard and the monkey

An old dog got lost in the savanna... Noticing easy prey, a leopard prepared for an ambush behind a tree. However, the dog could also smell the leopard and being quite crafty he took a quick survey of the area and found a bone. With the bone in his mouth he soliloquized "Oh my goodness, this is so t...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well…are you rel...

My cousin has 2 tickets for the super bowl and paid $2500 for each ticket.

he didnt realize last year it was going to be the day of his wedding.

If interested he is looking for someone to take his place.

Her name is Lisa Phillips 35, about 140lbs, a good cook, She'll be in white

The devil and three doors

Phil finds himself dead and standing at the gates to hell. The devil approaches and says, "Welcome Phillip, we've been expecting you. Allow me to explain how this works. Everyone that comes here gets an opportunity to choose how they will spend their eternity, behind one of these three doors. Go ah...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Foolproof way to stop kids from smoking pot.

Tommy, Jim and Phillip all get caught smoking weed. They get offered a choice, either educate high school kids about the harmful effects of smoking weed or go to jail. In order to fulfill this promise they have to get at least 10 signed statements from kids at the schools they are assigned to that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

Disappointment

a woman, after a long search on the internet, found out that "PHILLIPS 14 INCH" was actually a T.V

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy with a funny looking bellybutton

A little boy was born with what appeared to be a golden Phillips head screw for a bellybutton. As he grew older, everyday he would pray to the Lord and plead that some day he would have a normal bellybutton like the other kids.

One day, after an unusually long and teary prayer session, he ...

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