Shares Jokes - 19 Hilarious Shares Jokes

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares.

They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”

My wife offered me some shares for myspace.

I now own 30% of the bed.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

My new girlfriend shares her first name with that of my sister.

When we're doing the deed and I'm on the final cusp of climaxing, I instinctively start moaning and shouting my partner's name.

In my current relationship this is actually very offputting, because while screaming my partner's name I'm reminded of my girlfriend.

A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint

"Say your last words!"

"Your last words!"

-

Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

Ever since I bought $GME shares, my wife won’t stop boiling chickens.

She likes the stock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his gf want to find a hobby to share

She suggests to sign up for dance lessions, but the guy refuses.

She asks him why, and he says "i just don't like to do things i'm not good at"

She then asks him "then why you keep fucking me?"

(Based on a true story)

Would you ever kill a living being that shares blood with you? I would...

Those damn mosquitoes

Don't think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it's run.

The company probably issued a billion shares and you've only got one. Which means it's nanoyourbusiness.

Why did the lonely guy buy shares

To get some company.

My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.

It's the laughing stock.

Sherlock Holmes shares good news with Watson at a pub one night...

"I've gone and found myself a girlfriend!" exclaims Holmes.

"Well, right on!" said Watson. "You must tell me more about her."

"She's on the short side, extremely innocent, and she's a determined, hard-working schoolgirl."

"A schoolgirl, eh? Good to hear she cares about her educ...

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

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