UPJOKE
childbirthnurseobstetriciangynecologyherbalistgynecologistdentistpolicewomanpediatriciananesthetistpractitionerobstetricianspharmacistmaternity wardgynaecologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Va...

I’m thinking of starting a combined escort and midwife service

It will be called “Vaginal Delivery”

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:

"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

I’m not the best midwife

I need to work on the delivery a bit

What do you call it if a midwife doesn't show up?

A midwife crisis!


I'll leave now.

i banged a midwife once..

and i must say she delivered ...ba dum tisss

Being a midwife must be a tough job...

every day is a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?

A midwife crisis.

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife?

Ultra sound

My wife’s obstetrician recently bought a corvette…

She was having a midwife crisis

The next generation

Obi-Wan Kenobi, while hiding on the deserts of Tatooine, happened to meet a charming lady in Mos Eisley. One thing let to another, and soon they were expecting a baby.

As the baby boy was born, the midwife asked Obi-Wan what would be the name of his son.

"Obi-Two Kenobi, naturally"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.

The midwife called the nurse
The nurse ca...

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

What do you call a really tall midwife?

A Doula Oblongata!

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

Reason for getting fired

Don't you think, that getting fired for such a little, like dropping something small on the floor, is quite exaggerated?

\-- Hellen, midwife

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a ...

A pregnant lady

A pregnant lady is visiting her brother Paddy's farm when her waters break.
Paddy doesn't have any transport other than his tractor so she holds on to the back while Paddy drives to the hospital.
Unfortunately part way there the lady falls off the back of the tractor knocking herself out. She...

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Can't find anyone to help my pregnant wife so i went out and bought a motorbike

My friends tell me I'm having a midwife crisis

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?

It was a midwife crisis.

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The...

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.



My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friend...

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

The world’s best female and male thieves got married. When their first child was born, they saw and surprised that the newborn baby was holding something. They finally managed to open the baby’s hand and shocked more

The midwife’s ring

What’s it called when the person delivering your baby suddenly becomes squeamish and can no longer fulfill his/her duties?

A midwife crisis

Mary had a little lamb...

and the midwife passed out.

A Woman Goes Up to A Man

and asks him "what do you do for a living?", the man replies "I empty dishwashers ma'am".

The woman, smiling, replies with "you're a maid? That's brill! You're smashing the patriarchy!"

The man says "no, of course not, im a midwife."

On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found.

She had a midwife crisis.

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

Offensive warning

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is cl...

What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset"

"I'm having a midwife crisis"

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

...

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