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Midwife Jokes

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

What do you call it if a midwife doesn't show up?

A midwife crisis!


I'll leave now.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

My wife loves Call The Midwife but she recently discovered The Crown...

It's just the last ten minutes of the pregnancy

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Va...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her vagina and the midwife had to pull it out...

Thing is, I was just really excited to meet my new baby brother.

Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:

"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

I didn't become a comedian for the same reason I didn't become a midwife...

I always murder the delivery.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

i banged a midwife once..

and i must say she delivered ...ba dum tisss

I’m not the best midwife

I need to work on the delivery a bit

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife?

Ultra sound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.

The midwife called the nurse
The nurse ca...

Being a midwife must be a tough job...

every day is a midwife crisis.

What do you call a really tall midwife?

A Doula Oblongata!

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Did you see the news about Jonathan Ross, dressing up in a blue uniform and trying to provide antenatal care?

They say he’s having a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?

A midwife crisis.

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The...

This is 40

Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

My wife’s obstetrician recently bought a corvette…

She was having a midwife crisis

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

The next generation

Obi-Wan Kenobi, while hiding on the deserts of Tatooine, happened to meet a charming lady in Mos Eisley. One thing let to another, and soon they were expecting a baby.

As the baby boy was born, the midwife asked Obi-Wan what would be the name of his son.

"Obi-Two Kenobi, naturally"

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

Reason for getting fired

Don't you think, that getting fired for such a little, like dropping something small on the floor, is quite exaggerated?

\-- Hellen, midwife

I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Can't find anyone to help my pregnant wife so i went out and bought a motorbike

My friends tell me I'm having a midwife crisis

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

Mary had a little lamb...

and the midwife passed out.

A pregnant lady

A pregnant lady is visiting her brother Paddy's farm when her waters break.
Paddy doesn't have any transport other than his tractor so she holds on to the back while Paddy drives to the hospital.
Unfortunately part way there the lady falls off the back of the tractor knocking herself out. She...

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever had a shit so big...

You've needed a midwife?

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

What’s it called when the person delivering your baby suddenly becomes squeamish and can no longer fulfill his/her duties?

A midwife crisis

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

...

On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found.

She had a midwife crisis.

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

I hate the beginning and I hate the end

So that's why I became a midwife.

What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset"

"I'm having a midwife crisis"

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.



My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friend...

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