I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

Being a midwife must be a tough job...

every day is a midwife crisis.

Midwife for sale.

Can Deliver.

Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:

"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Va...

I’m not the best midwife

I need to work on the delivery a bit

What do you call a really tall midwife?

A Doula Oblongata!

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

What do you call it if a midwife doesn't show up?

A midwife crisis!


I'll leave now.

Why is Hercules the most suitable midwife out of all the demigods?

Because he's already been through 12 labours!

What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?

A midwife crisis.

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife?

Ultra sound

Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?

It was a midwife crisis.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a luxury automobile. She had a midwife crisis.

The world’s best female and male thieves got married. When their first child was born, they saw and surprised that the newborn baby was holding something. They finally managed to open the baby’s hand and shocked more

The midwife’s ring

Offensive warning

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is cl...

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.



My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friend...

Why did the obstetrician quit her job at age of 35?

She was having a midwife crisis.

When I turned 40 years old I started delivering babies but kept making errors

I was having a midwife crisis

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

What’s it called when the person delivering your baby suddenly becomes squeamish and can no longer fulfill his/her duties?

A midwife crisis

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

Three men, a Republican, a Brit and a Jamaican

all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however, unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just another blonde sex joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a ...

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

...

Mary had a little lamb

And the midwife fainted

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.

The midwife called the nurse
The nurse ca...

On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found.

She had a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset"

"I'm having a midwife crisis"

I hate the beginning and I hate the end

So that's why I became a midwife.

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