This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right
I keep getting mixed results
When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...
I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
My wife: "I regret getting you that blender for Christmas"
Me: *sipping toast* "why?"
How do know when a punchline doesn’t fit the set-up in a joke?
A frog in a blender.
What’s red and green and goes 60 mph?
A frog in a blender.
I got stuck in a blender.
Pour me...
Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?
He was hoping for whirled peas.
What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?
You get a load of traffic jam
Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...
... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:
"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "
"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?
So he could greet visitors with a handshake.
Who’s the smoothest singer?
Blender Carlisle
What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?
Doritos.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia.
I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.
Seems like there was a mix up at the store.
What do you call 10 smurfs in a blender?
Blue Man Goop
I wanted to buy a blender off the internet but I didn’t
because it had mixed reviews.
Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel
It was a blunder
What do you call a Nun in a Blender?
Twisted Sister.
A joke from Kyiv.
A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.
- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats
News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.
Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*
What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?
Rhesus pieces........
I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"
The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.
Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?
A visit from the cops.
What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.
The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.
Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender
Jealous husband
Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"
Wife: "At home love."
Husband: "Are you sure?"
Wife: "Yes"
Husband: "Turn on the blender."
Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee
Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."
Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...
Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I...
the puppy test
Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you. 2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...
Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance
It'll be a blender reveal party
When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?
Blender Man.
As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.
1) How do you get a baby in a salsa jar? 2)How do you get it out again?
1) A blender. 2) Nacho chips.
It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.
The bra manufacturer has gone bust; the specialist in submersibles has gone under; the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation; a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers; the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded; the Heinz factory has be...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.
How do you make a baby spin around? Blender. How do you take it back out? Nachos.
What do you call a dead baby on a wall? Art. What do you call a dead baby ...
A policeman pulled me over
What do you do for a living, sir?
It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.
An... insect blender?
Yes, I combine insects for a living
Right...
A few minutes later I reached int...
What scared Jimmy Buffet?
The boo's in the blender.
How do you make...
How do you make a dead baby float? With a scoop of ice cream.
How do you make a dead baby shake? Cup of milk 2 cups of fruit A dead baby and a blender
How do you make a dead baby split? A sharp axe and a strong swing.
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