Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

A husband thinks his wife is cheating on him so he asks her to turn on the blender...

when he calls her on his lunch break at work.

The husband calls, asks if she's home, and if she could turn on the blender for proof.
She turns it on.

The next day, the husband calls again.
The wife turns on the blender.

The next day, husband calls, wife turns on the blende...

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

What's Red, Green, and goes 90mph?

A frog in a blender.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

What do you call a Nun in a Blender?

Twisted Sister.

What’s black and white and red all over?

A Dalmatian in a blender.

when i was five, my dad put snowballs in the blender to make a slushie

i miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

Knock knock, whos there? Stigma, stigma who?

Stigma hand in a blender, WHEEEEE!

What do you get when you mix a bird with a blender?

Shredded tweet.

How do you get 14 babies in one bucket?

With a Blender.

How do you get them out?

With Nachos.

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.

Seems like there was a mix up at the store.

I wanted to buy a blender off the internet but I didn’t

because it had mixed reviews.

I got stuck in a blender.

Pour me...

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.

What do you call 10 smurfs in a blender?

Blue Man Goop

What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?

Rhesus pieces........

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.

Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender

I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"

The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

Jealous husband

Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...

Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

A visit from the cops.

Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance

It'll be a blender reveal party

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

The police break into a blender's apartment.

The police point their guns at the blender and say "Freeze! You've been charged with first degree murder!".
The blender frantically responds " Wait officers, this is a big mix-up!

1) How do you get a baby in a salsa jar? 2)How do you get it out again?

1) A blender. 2) Nacho chips.

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

A policeman pulled me over

What do you do for a living, sir?



It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.



An... insect blender?



Yes, I combine insects for a living



Right...



A few minutes later I reached int...

What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

Why don't dogs and cats mix?

Their bones clog up the blender.

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