A husband thinks his wife is cheating on him so he asks her to turn on the blender...

when he calls her on his lunch break at work.

The husband calls, asks if she's home, and if she could turn on the blender for proof.
She turns it on.

The next day, the husband calls again.
The wife turns on the blender.

The next day, husband calls, wife turns on the blende...

Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?

He was hoping for whirled peas.

Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

What's the difference between a hacksaw and a blender?

Are you kidding? You should be able to tell them apart, they're two completely different tools.

>!Anyway, you can't just put the entire baby into the blender, it doesn't fit. That's what the hacksaw is for.!<

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

What's Red, Green, and goes 90mph?

A frog in a blender.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

when i was five, my dad put snowballs in the blender to make a slushie

i miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

What do you call a chipmunk that falls into a blender?

Chipchunks

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

What do you call a Nun in a Blender?

Twisted Sister.

Good moms let their kids lick the whisk blender

Even better moms turn it off beforehand.

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

What do you get when you mix a bird with a blender?

Shredded tweet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cat in a blender?

Pussy juice.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.

Seems like there was a mix up at the store.

I wanted to buy a blender off the internet but I didn’t

because it had mixed reviews.

I got stuck in a blender.

Pour me...

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

What do you call 10 smurfs in a blender?

Blue Man Goop

What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?

Rhesus pieces........

What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.

I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"

The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.

Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

A visit from the cops.

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments?

Whirled Peas

The police break into a blender's apartment.

The police point their guns at the blender and say "Freeze! You've been charged with first degree murder!".
The blender frantically responds " Wait officers, this is a big mix-up!

Jealous husband

Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...

The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.

Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

1) How do you get a baby in a salsa jar? 2)How do you get it out again?

1) A blender. 2) Nacho chips.

Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance

It'll be a blender reveal party

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

A policeman pulled me over

What do you do for a living, sir?



It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.



An... insect blender?



Yes, I combine insects for a living



Right...



A few minutes later I reached int...

What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

How do you make...

How do you make a dead baby float?
With a scoop of ice cream.

How do you make a dead baby shake?
Cup of milk
2 cups of fruit
A dead baby and a blender

How do you make a dead baby split?
A sharp axe and a strong swing.

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