UPJOKE
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Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

A husband thinks his wife is cheating on him so he asks her to turn on the blender...

when he calls her on his lunch break at work.

The husband calls, asks if she's home, and if she could turn on the blender for proof.
She turns it on.

The next day, the husband calls again.
The wife turns on the blender.

The next day, husband calls, wife turns on the blende...

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a handshake.

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

What’s red and green and goes 60 mph?

A frog in a blender.

Who’s the smoothest singer?

Blender Carlisle

What's the difference between a hacksaw and a blender?

Are you kidding? You should be able to tell them apart, they're two completely different tools.

>!Anyway, you can't just put the entire baby into the blender, it doesn't fit. That's what the hacksaw is for.!<

Why did the president put his vegetables in a blender?

He was hoping for whirled peas.

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

I got stuck in a blender.

Pour me...

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv?
- No.
- Did you take Harkiv?
- No
- What did you take then?
- A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

What do you call a chipmunk that falls into a blender?

Chipchunks

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.

Seems like there was a mix up at the store.

I wanted to buy a blender off the internet but I didn’t

because it had mixed reviews.

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

What do you call a Nun in a Blender?

Twisted Sister.

What do you call 10 smurfs in a blender?

Blue Man Goop

What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?

Rhesus pieces........

What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments?

Whirled Peas

I walked into a pet shop and said, "Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"

The man said "yes" and handed me a chameleon.

Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

A visit from the cops.

What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

Jealous husband

Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...

The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.

Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance

It'll be a blender reveal party

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

1) How do you get a baby in a salsa jar? 2)How do you get it out again?

1) A blender. 2) Nacho chips.

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

A policeman pulled me over

What do you do for a living, sir?



It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.



An... insect blender?



Yes, I combine insects for a living



Right...



A few minutes later I reached int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

How do you make...

How do you make a dead baby float?
With a scoop of ice cream.

How do you make a dead baby shake?
Cup of milk
2 cups of fruit
A dead baby and a blender

How do you make a dead baby split?
A sharp axe and a strong swing.

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