UPJOKE
withdrawretreatquitresignpensionpull backretirementrecedeleaveadjournbaseballballpull awayput outgo to sleep

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?

He decided he’d stick it out one more year.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The retiring postman

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service.

The town's people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a lavish lunch and a fiver.

The Postman was very happy and asked

\- "But why ...

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

I’m retiring my favorite password: $nowWhite&T#e7Dwarves|

Security experts are recommending longer passwords, but mine was only eight characters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Postman Pat was retiring...

...and all his post round wished him well, many giving him presents. His last call was to a beautiful blond, and as soon as he put the letters in the box, she opened the door, grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him to the bedroom and had wild sex with him.
Afterwards, heading out, the beautiful b...

Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022?

I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.

Retiring Dr.

A doctor who delivered thousands of babies over his career is finally retiring. He had an odd habit but whenever he circumcised a baby boy he would throw the foreskin in a large gallon jar of formaldehyde. As he is cleaning out his office there sits this large Jar and he begins to think "What can I...

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vice President Cheney opened a boutique online content management firm after retiring. His specialty was evaluating effectiveness of online competitions and customer engagement events.

You may think the things that he did sounds cool, but in reality they were all just Dick measuring contests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

Someone working in HR

Do you know what someone working in HR does after retiring ?

Still nothing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is retiring from doing films.

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.

I just got a voice mail that my ophthalmologist is retiring....

I won't be seeing him anymore.

Bob is retiring

After 40 years of balancing our company's chequebooks and working his way up the corporate ladder to CFO, it was finally time for Bob to retire. Everybody loved Bob, so we wanted to make his retirement party special.

Bob was a bit of a wine connoisseur, so we needed to find him a great bottle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring Mailman

The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After retiring,

I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

After retiring from show business, Arnold Schwarzenegger now works in pest control.

He’s the ex-Terminator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

A rabbi is planning on retiring.

A rabbi is planning on retiring. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in and he decides to take them to the local leatherworker. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

A 50 year old postman is finally retiring

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bed...

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

I’m retiring and living of my savings early.

Not sure what to do on the second day though

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...

...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A postman is on his last day of work before retiring

So as he is making his last run, he stops at a house to deliver their mail. An old woman opens the door and invites him for coffee so he has a cup of coffee. At the next house this happens again so he once again drinks a cup of coffee. At the next house a stunning young woman opens the door wearing ...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.