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A circumsized bartender completes an array of delicious cocktails

He asks kindly; “any tips?”

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My daughter showed me her Math homework and told me she didn't get arrays.

I told her I didn't get a raise either because my boss is a cheap bastard.

What's got two thumbs and can't figure out the difference between a string and an array?

[
0 => "T"
1 => "h"
2 => "i"
3 => "s"
4 => " "
5 => "g"
6 => "u"
7 => "y"
8 => "!"
]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

What's the difference between a circus and a sorority house

A circus is a cunning array of stunts

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Why did the computer programmer go to see his boss?

Because he wanted arrays

A couple go to the new farmers' market just outside of town

They walk past the various stands selling fresh produce, looking for things to take back home. They see gigantic, ripe watermelons on one table. Another holds plump, vibrant tomatoes. A dazzling array of berries fills baskets on another.

Finally, they see a table at the end of the market, whe...

A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

Did you know groups of bats can power things?

They’re called bat-arrays

["Hip", "Hip"]

Hip Hip Array

What do pirate parrots say?

Polly wanna kraken!

(Amongst a large array other parrot-related sounds)

A Stoner Dies And Goes To Heaven

He meets God and God says to him, "Whatever you love most, I'll stick you in a room with it for 100 years." The stoner says, "I love weed!" So God takes him to a door and opens it to reveal a vast marijuana forest, stretching as far as the eye can see. All along the walls are a wide array of bowls, ...

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

A man is pulled over by a rookie cop...

When the cop approaches the window, the man produces his papers then says “I’m sure you’re going to ask about the body in the trunk since you obviously smell the weed.” The cop nearly fell back, but before he could utter a word, the man said “just be careful, the knife is under my seat.” The rookie...

What’s the difference between a monster truck rally and the rockettes?

A monster truck rally has a CUNNING array of STUNTS

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

Why did the programmer quit his job?

He didn't get arrays...

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The Voo Doo Dick Joke!!! (NSFW)

I think maybe alot of people have heard this, but i did a search on jokes and didn't see it, so for those who haven't, enjoy.

EDIT: K, before anyone says anything, i googled this and found that user sean7755 actually posted his own version of this first, so no offense to him, and i'll leave ...

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Computer Quotes

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... "
Dan Wineman

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory).

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and U...

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Two burglars, Jim and Dave, break into an Indian family's house...

They split up and go into different rooms, in an attempt to find the most valuable goods the fastest. Quickly, Dave yells to Jim, "Hey, I just found a safe! It's pretty big and heavy!"

"Can we fit it into the van?" Jim yells back.

"I think so. Both of us will have to carry it into the ...

Business joke

Two sons want to take over their dad's business. One's studied marketing and the other accounting, so they think they're ready to finally take the torch. They ask their father about it and he says "You guys don't know *nothing* from business, both of you've got egos bigger than your business ambitio...

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The Sex Shop

There's a sex shop worker, and while he's working the counter alone, a caucasian woman walks in. She looks at the array of dildos and says, "How much for the white dildo?" The guy says, "$90". She looks a bit further and says, "How much for the black one?" He says, "$90, black or white, we don't...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

What is the difference between the [Rockettes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rockettes) and [Doug Henning](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doug_Henning)?

Doug Henning shows you a cunning array of stunts.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by the enemy army

The army is on the move, keeping the prisoners in their forced march. They get to a river, but their raft has a large hole in it. In the war-torn field, there is nothing to fix the boat, so they decide to mend it with the bodies of the prisoners.

In a moment of mercy, the army general deci...

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