UPJOKE
panicfrightfearintimidatefrightenphobiaacrophobiaanxietyawealarmdauntterrifyterrorizethreatdanger

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

When is a cop most scared for his life?

When someone else's life is on the line.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

I'm beginning to think I know more about healthcare than my doctor and his ignorance scares me.

He recommended radiotherapy even though I'm deaf.

My friend's scared of getting stuck in a chimney with an old man at Christmas.

She's Santa Claustraphobic.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

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I used to be scared of pedophiles

Then I grew up.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I have a complex complex complex.

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

Why was 10 scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

Your mama so ugly

Your mama so ugly she can scare Cujoh off a meat truck

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If you should be scared of anyone it's porn stars...

Trust me, they're cumming for you

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

How does the ghost of Adele scare people?

She sneaks up on them and says hello from the other side.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

Why are skeletons always scared?

Because they have no guts!

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

What did the scared cow say before being murdered?

**This is terror bull**

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How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them.

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

He wants to scare his parents.

**Johnny’s father:** Let me see your report card.
**Johnny:** I don’t have it.
**Johnny’s father:** Why not?
**Johnny:** My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

How do you scare a Scotsman?

With Irn-Boo

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

Thankful shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns...

What kind of fruit is scared to go to it’s wedding?

Cantaloupe.

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news... Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was d...

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What happens when you scare a lego man?

They shit a brick.

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

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A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian are passing through a forest.

Each of them are carrying a dozen bananas.

Suddenly, 3 monkeys jump down from the trees, snatch away their bananas and climb back up the trees.

The Hindu joins his hands together and says to the 1st monkey, "Please return my bananas, O Hanuman!" The monkey doesn't care and starts to e...

I'm scared of the root of 2

It is an irrational fear

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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

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Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

You’re not scared of being alone in the dark.

You’re scared of not being alone in the dark.

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I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all bullshit.

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

I installed those deer alarms on my car that are supposed to scare the deer before you hit them...

Unfortunately I put them in backwards. I got home and there was 25 deer following me.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!“

I don’t understand why people are so scared to go in dressing rooms…

But I guess it’s only fitting.

How do women scare gynecologists?

They study ventriloquism

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

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Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

What sea creature likes to scare you?

A shocktopus.

The Pope has to go to a hospital to bless the terminally ill.

This time though, he decided he wants to drive the popemobile by himself and makes his chauffeur sit in the back. As soon as the engine starts, the Pope starts going so fast that the engine can barely keep up, without caring about the fact he's way past the speed limit. The chauffeur in the back, sc...

A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out."

"Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."

How do Halloween characters listen to their music?

Scare pods

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

I was scared to donate blood today.

But I tried my best to B positive

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How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door.

I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.

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i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

breakfast

I was making pancakes this morning. The wife sneaked up behind and startled me.

"Oh honey you scared the crepe out of me!"

Did you know Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug in his home?

The bear is not dead it is just too scared to move

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the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

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Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

An atheist was hiking in the woods...

An atheist was hiking in the woods...

When suddenly a bear appeared. The atheist was scared out of his mind and started running, but he couldn't outrun the bear

Finally the atheist fell to his knees and did the one thing he thought he would never do: Pray

He fervently prayed "O...

Why is Mario so scared of Spanish ghosts?

He’s been playing with “La Ouija” too much.

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

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