The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

What did the scared cow say before being murdered?

**This is terror bull**

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

Why are skeletons always scared?

Because they have no guts!

How does the ghost of Adele scare people?

She sneaks up on them and says hello from the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

What kind of fruit is scared to go to it’s wedding?

Cantaloupe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

Scared the postman by going to the door completely naked.

His house has the same ring doorbell just like mine.

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

Why was ten scared?

They were in the middle of 9/11

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

He wants to scare his parents.

**Johnny’s father:** Let me see your report card.
**Johnny:** I don’t have it.
**Johnny’s father:** Why not?
**Johnny:** My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

How do you scare a Scotsman?

With Irn-Boo

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

I'm scared of the root of 2

It is an irrational fear

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

They should remake the fifth element where bruce willis saves the worlds by putting on a scream mask scares the bejeezus out of Leelo by yelling "BOO"

that way the true fifth element isn't love but the element of surprise.

The Caller

"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all bullshit.

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

I don’t understand why people are so scared to go in dressing rooms…

But I guess it’s only fitting.

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news... Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.

He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant “What’s wrong with him?”

“He came in for some cough syrup”, explains the assistant, “but I couldn’t find any so I gave him laxatives instead.”

“What!” exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxative...

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house...

As he was snooping around, looking for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."

Scared, the burglar ducked behind a couch and frantically looked around. Not seeing anybody, he started snooping again. And again he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you."

He ducked be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

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why dont blind people skydive?

it scares the fuck outta the dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you scare a lego man?

They shit a brick.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

You’re not scared of being alone in the dark.

You’re scared of not being alone in the dark.

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door.

I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a difference between a sexy woman and a beautiful woman?

How would I know, I am scared to talk to either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

I was scared to donate blood today.

But I tried my best to B positive

A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out."

"Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Why is Mario so scared of Spanish ghosts?

He’s been playing with “La Ouija” too much.

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.

i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"

he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"


...

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

How do women scare gynecologists?

They study ventriloquism

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

How does a witch style her hair?

She uses scare spray

Stop being scared of the dark.

That’s racist.

What sea creature likes to scare you?

A shocktopus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

I wonder what trees are scared of ...

... given there are so many that are petrified

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Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

A statistician gets on a plane.

A Statistician gets on a plane. Guy next to him says "I'm scared of flying." The statistician says "I used to be. I used to be worried about terrorists." The guy asks "How'd you stop being scared?" The statistician says "I bought a bomb on the plane." Panicked, the guy yells "What!?"

Stati...

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

A quiet flight.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .

...
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneven...

Why are nobody scared of trees?

They’re all bark no bite.

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist is a genius!

Last week, he suggested we try "exposure therapy" where you face your fears head-on and overcome them.
HIM: So tell me, what are you afraid of?
ME: Well I'm claustrophobic and I'm scared of intimacy.
So he took me into the coatroom and fucked me.

The burglar just broke into the old lady's house.

He sneaks around and hears someone saying in a raspy voice "The Jesys sees you!"

He got scared but decided to track down the person, that spoke.

He sees a parrot in the cage. Then he hears the parrot say "The Jesus sees you!"

He says "Oh. A talking parrot. What's your name, budd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Halloween tale of horror

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. With Halloween coming up they start talking about things that scared them when they were kids. "When I was a kid, my brother told me that earwigs actually lived in your ears and crawled inside to eat your brains. And I believed him," he tells the barten...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man orders a taxi late at night

He tells the driver where to go and the ride is pretty quiet. The man is not much for small talk and just stares out the window. They are cruising on the freeway when he notices that they missed the exit. "Doesn't matter" he thinks "It's a little around but faster on the freeway" but then he sees th...

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I met my girlfriend she said she was scared of getting trapped

But I think my basement has really grown on her.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

What do you call it when you're scared of young women?

The-lass-ophobia

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

Last night I dreamt that I was in an elevator that was going super fast toward the sky. Yet, I wasn’t scared

I found it very uplifting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

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