TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Help, Doc. I'm scared of letters."

Doctor: Are you?

Man: Aahh!

Doctor: Oh, you are.

Man: Aaaaahhhhh!

Doctor: It's okay , I see!

Man AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm scared of the root of 2

It is an irrational fear

How do you scare a Scotsman?

With Irn-Boo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all bullshit.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

They should remake the fifth element where bruce willis saves the worlds by putting on a scream mask scares the bejeezus out of Leelo by yelling "BOO"

that way the true fifth element isn't love but the element of surprise.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!“

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door.

I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn’t'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I be...

Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news... Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was d...

Why was 10 so scared?

He was right between 9/11

I was scared to donate blood today.

But I tried my best to B positive

You’re not scared of being alone in the dark.

You’re scared of not being alone in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you scare a lego man?

They shit a brick.

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

Why is Mario so scared of Spanish ghosts?

He’s been playing with “La Ouija” too much.

A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out."

"Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

Why was the cow scared

Because its life was at steak!

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Stop being scared of the dark.

That’s racist.

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

You know why blind people don't jump out of airplanes?

It scares the dog.

I wonder what trees are scared of ...

... given there are so many that are petrified

How do women scare gynecologists?

They study ventriloquism

I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'.

What's the secret?"

The old man replied: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

What sea creature likes to scare you?

A shocktopus.

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to th...

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I met my girlfriend she said she was scared of getting trapped

But I think my basement has really grown on her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

A scout master and a Boy Scout are walking in to the woods

The sun is setting and the Boy Scout looks up and says, “it’s starting to get dark, I’m scared.” The scout master responds “you think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone”

Last night I dreamt that I was in an elevator that was going super fast toward the sky. Yet, I wasn’t scared

I found it very uplifting

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

Why do scotsmen wear kilts?

Zippers scare the sheep

What do you call it when you're scared of young women?

The-lass-ophobia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

A gynecologist waits his last patient who does not arrive

After an hour, he decides to take a gin and tonic to relax.
He settles in an armchair to read the newspaper, when the doorbell rings.

It’s the patient who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter.” Answers the doctor

“Look, I was taking a gi...

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

A young boy and an old man are walking in the woods at night.





"It's really dark and I'm scared, can we go home now?"



"If you're scared, imagine what it'll be like when I have to walk back alone."

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveler got stranded on a highway on a dark, stormy night

No taxi in sight, he began walking around the road to find some help.

He came upon an empty car standing a distance away, and, finding it unlocked, he decided to rest awhile there.

Suddenly, the car jerked forward, and began inching forwards into the dark night. Too scared to do anythi...

Can i see your report card ?

Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are people hoarding toilet paper during the COVID-19 virus scare?

Their assholes

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

Two nuns

Late in the night, two nuns were walking in a empty street. Suddenly they realised that a man was following them , they were scared ofcourse, they decided to go separate in two different ways and meet again at the church. They did so. The man choosed one and kept on following
15 mins later th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the ch...

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest asks John if he's scared of Satan.

Little John says:

"I have nothing to be scared of, you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal

Way more scared of you than you are of me

A Jewish man's son comes home and says he's converted to Christianity

He's shocked and goes to his friends house only to find out that his son has also converted to Christianity. They get worried and go to their rabbi. To their amazement he turns around and says his son also converted to Christianity. They are all scared now so turn to god. God comes down and listens ...

What do you call groups of scared cows?

Cow Herds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once read a laxative horror story...

It scared the shit out of me.

I’m scared because a neighbor tested positive

I might be the dad

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Panda

A panda pulls up to the valet at a nice restaurant, drops his car off, and goes inside. The panda is seated at a table and orders. He calmly eats, pulls out an AK-47 and shoots everyone in the restaurant. He walks outside and gives the valet his ticket. The valet, scared to death, reaches out with a...

What do cats think when they feel scared?

Get meow'ta here

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If people are scared shitless by this Covid-19 thing

Why are they buying so much toilet paper?

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

You know what I do when I get scared by frozen food?

Ice cream

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life. I don't mind having it, but I'm scared...

...my parents have it too...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

What did the man who was scared of elevators do?

He took steps to avoid them.

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

A corrupt policeman asking for bribes

There was a corrupt policeman who always stopped people and asked them for bribes. One time he worked all day and didn't stop anyone. He realized as the sun was going down that he didn't have any money in his pocket so he said to himself, “I'm going to stop the next person I see.” Shortly thereafter...

My friend saw Medusa the other day

At first he was afraid and scared, but now he's petrified at the thought of seeing her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 is a registered sex offender, there's nothing funny about that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, the church in my town fell on hard time recently

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contacted it.

Now it works for me.

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

As a kid, I was scared of cows

I was moortified.
That was a little cheesy.
Well I milked this one out as long as I cud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp,

so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teacher's tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?"

His teacher replies "NO".

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and a...

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

If youre scared of dying alone

then become a bus driver.

A crow sits on a telephone pole, doing nothing - looking stupid

A crow is sitting on a telephone pole when his mate, another crow arrives.

Crow#2 asks his friend: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

Crow#1: "Nothing really, just sitting here and looking stupid"

Crow#2: "Sounds cool, I wanna try that, too!"

An hour later a 3rd crow arrive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.