UPJOKE
panicfrightfearintimidatefrightenphobiaacrophobiaanxietyaweaffrightalarmdauntterrifyterrorizethreat

Scare Jokes

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Why was 10 scared?

It was in the middle of 9/11?

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

How do you scare a spineless greedy billion dollar company?

Start a third party app.

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

I installed those deer alarms on my car that are supposed to scare the deer before you hit them...

Unfortunately I put them in backwards. I got home and there was 25 deer following me.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

What plant is always trying to scare people?

bamBOO

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

What kind of music scares balloons?

Pop Music

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Ya‘ll know why I‘m not scared of trees?

They‘re all bark, no bite.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

A little girl and a clown are walking in the woods. The little girl says, "I'm scared". The clown replies, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

The clown was dropping her off at her Grandma's house. Why, what were you thinking?

Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them…

I'm scared of π

It's an irrational fear

Why was 2018 scared of 2020?

Because 2020 and 2019 got in a fight...and 2021.
.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..."

Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."

How do you scare a non-binary person?

01100010 01101111 01101111

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

scared of flying

A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on ...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

Avian Flu scare in Massachusetts

Breaking news... Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was d...

When I was little, I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see the electricity bill, i'm scared of the lights.

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

How do you scare a Scotsman?

With Irn-Boo

How does the ghost of Adele scare people?

She sneaks up on them and says hello from the other side.

what's the only thing a latino has when he's scared?

hispanic

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

How do women scare gynecologists?

They study ventriloquism

What do you call a group of scared cows?

Cowherds

Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify

should just grow a pear.

Why was the Jack O’Lantern scared?

Because it didn’t have guts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you scare a lego man?

They shit a brick.

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never scare a magician

He will shit your pants

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

Mexican train killers scare me.

They have loco motives.

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

What sea creature likes to scare you?

A shocktopus.

When people are scared of my dogs I tell them...

"They eat kibble not people"

And when they relax I add:

"But that's because I ran out of neighbors"

(I actually say that)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a group of ghosts scare the shit out of a women?

Boookkaki

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

When is a cop most scared for his life?

When someone else's life is on the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

How do you scare bees?

"Boo-bees!"



Gold from my local preacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

(Real story) my wife suggested we get a muzzle because her sister was visiting and was scared of our German Sheppard

I told her:
-Sure! What size of a trap does ur sister have?

My mother was scared for me when I joined the navy.

It makes sense, my father was a telegraph operator in the navy and he got lost at C.

What Mexican dessert are children scared of?

El Chupacobbler

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

Many centuries ago, some thrill-seeking kings & queens would hire a special kind of jester to sneak up on them and try to scare the heck outta them at bedtime, what was it called?

Nightmare fool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

What's the piece of hardware that people with epilepsy are scared of?

Flash drive

How do you scare a Jewish kid in Minecraft?

You get 8 cobblestone.

Why can't you scare a chemist?

...because they always lack the element of surprise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

Why does a cow say "moo" when you scare it?

Because it's a cow-word.

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

What do you call one trillionth of a Halloween scare?

A pico boo.

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 is a registered sex offender, there's nothing funny about that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should the baby's name be?

A young woman was talking to her friend about how she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend but didn't want to get pregnant. The friend told her to yell "what should the baby's name be" and that it would scare the boyfriend into pulling out.

Later that night the woman and her boyfriend were g...

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

On his first ever flight, a nervous man who was scared of flying sat next to a heavily tattooed and smelly giant of a man.

Unfortunately, during the flight the timid little fellow ended up getting physically sick. But since the large man was now fast asleep, and was between him and aisle, his way to the bathroom was blocked.

Suddenly it was too late, and he vomited all over the sleeping man. Quickly he tried t...

If youre scared of dying alone

then become a bus driver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

I was scared to donate blood today.

But I tried my best to B positive

Stop being scared of the dark.

That’s racist.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.