6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a
letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll
have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first
guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not
that," declared the man...

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

What did the whale say to scare everyone

Ooga Beluga

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

I wonder what trees are scared of ...

... given there are so many that are petrified

When know why 6 was scared of 7, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11

When I was a kid I used to be scared around drunk people...

Now that I am an adult I see we are harmless people.

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

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When I met my girlfriend she said she was scared of getting trapped

But I think my basement has really grown on her.

Last night I dreamt that I was in an elevator that was going super fast toward the sky. Yet, I wasn’t scared

I found it very uplifting

Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to dress up as a clown, hide in the drains and scare her

but I didn't really feel like It.

How do women scare gynecologists?

They study ventriloquism

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

Have you ever noticed how people walk slower when they want to admire something and how they walk faster when they are scared?

Me neither because people are usually far away from me.

What do you call it when you're scared of young women?

The-lass-ophobia

What sea creature likes to scare you?

A shocktopus.

Why are pandas always scared?

Because of the bamBOO.

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n ...

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to th...

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

I’m scared because a neighbor tested positive

I might be the dad

How do you scare chinese?

-Pooh!

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When it comes to COVID-19,the 3% chance ill die doesnt scare me

the 97% chance of living is what makes me shit my pants.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

What do cats think when they feel scared?

Get meow'ta here

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

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A priest asks John if he's scared of Satan.

Little John says:

"I have nothing to be scared of, you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

You know what I do when I get scared by frozen food?

Ice cream

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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

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How do you scare a bee?

Boobie

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life. I don't mind having it, but I'm scared...

...my parents have it too...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

What did the man who was scared of elevators do?

He took steps to avoid them.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep un...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

As a kid, I was scared of cows

I was moortified.
That was a little cheesy.
Well I milked this one out as long as I cud.

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If people are scared shitless by this Covid-19 thing

Why are they buying so much toilet paper?

I was always scared of the coronavirus until I contacted it.

Now it works for me.

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Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

Evidently, I snore loudly

It scares everyone in the car I'm driving

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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp,

so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teacher's tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?"

His teacher replies "NO".

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and a...

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

Why wasn’t the lumberjack scared of the tree?

It was all bark and no bite!

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

3 ghosts wanted to scare 3 men.

There was a teen ghost, a middle-aged ghost and an aged ghost that wanted to scare 3 men: Joe, Sal and Murr.

The teen ghost told the middle ghost "Boo Joe.", and it obliged, much to their enjoyment.

The teen ghost then asked the aged ghost to "Boo Sal", but the ghost responded "I don'...

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

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Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 is a registered sex offender, there's nothing funny about that

What happens if you run out of toilet paper that people are so scared of?

you'll have to get your hands dirty

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

You know what animal scares me the most?

A *cari-boo!*

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Left sock: "I'm scared to get stained."

Right sock: "Don't be such a pussy. "

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

Last night I was walking home and decided to take a short cut past the cemetery.

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand, I used to be freaked out too when I was alive." Never seen anyone run that fast!

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

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I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

Why do blind people never go skydiving?

Scares the hell outta the dog.

If youre scared of dying alone

then become a bus driver.

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"

One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is ...

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I was choking on my water..

I was choking on my water scared shitless and my sister comes running..

Me: *Choking*

Sister: You want some water?!

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

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Shot my first turkey the other day.

Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section!

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

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I told my therapist that I was scared of loosing my hearing....

...but it fell on deaf fears.

With everyone being so scared of COVID-19, robbing banks should be easier.

Take it from me, I robbed one yesterday, and I didn’t even have to bring a gun, I just threatened to cough on them.

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Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

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Little Johny's mom dies and dad remarries

The stepmom is very loving and caring and always goes the extra mile to make Little Johny feel loved. One day the dad leaves town for a business trip. At night Little Johny has a nightmare and gets scared. So he goes upto his stepmom's room and enquires if he could sleep next to her, and she obliges...

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

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Did you hear that they cancelled bungee jumping for blind people?

It scared the shit out of the guide dogs.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

I'm not scared of the corona virus.

Since it's made in China, I don't expect it to be working for much longer. Looks good first, but falls apart after the first use.

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A scared builder is the best builder

'Cuz he be shitting bricks.

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

Why was 2019 scared of 2020?

Because they got into a fight and 2021

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

Mexican train killers scare me.

They have loco motives.

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

What do you call one trillionth of a Halloween scare?

A pico boo.

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

What do pirates and banana farmers have in common?

They're both scared of black spots.

What’s it called when a ghost scares the wrong person?

A boo-boo

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The door of a bar slams open and in walks a piece of black tarmacadam.

He kicks over a chair walks walks to the bar and says, "Give me a bottle of whisky because I'm the toughest piece of road in this whole damn city!"

Soon enough the bar quietens down again and everyone gets back to their drinking. Suddenly the door slams open again and a piece of red tarmacada...

What do they call Tom Hanks when he's too scared to move?

A petrified Forrest

If I ever have a rabbit, I’ll name him Cab Calloway.

Because if he ever gets scared, he’ll crawl into his Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hole!

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