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Phobia Jokes

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I have a speed bump phobia...

I’m slowly getting over it.

I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings...

It's a complex complex complex.

I have a real phobia of trampolines.

They always make me jump.

did you hear about the mathematician with a phobia of negative numbers?

he will stop at nothing to avoid them

I have a phobia of edges

I’m going to start cutting corners to avoid them

I have an extremely rare phobia of Michael Jackson joining the group that sang "Stayin' Alive."

It gives me the Hee-Hee Bee Gees.

Do you have a phobia of intruders sneaking into your home?

You're not alone.

I think I’ve developed a phobia of German sausages

I keep on fearing the wurst

A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married.

The doctor asks, "Do you know about any of the symptoms?

The man replies, "Can't say I do."

I have a phobia of the square root of 2

It’s just one of my irrational fears

I was gonna write a book on phobias

But I was afraid it wasn't going to sell

I have unidirectional phobia, but I started going to support groups.

And finally I took a step in the right direction.

What do you call a phobia of a clown wielding a chainsaw running straight at you?

Common sense

I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues

I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness

I have Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

It's a fear of long words.

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common Sense

What's the name for a phobia of chainsaws?

Common sense

(my 9-year-old just came and shared that gem with me)

What’s the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

"I have a phobia of hyperboles"

"A *phobia*? That's a bit extreme, don't you think?"

"Oh my God is it???"

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

My date asked me if I have any phobias and I had to break it off there and then.

We only drink REAL beers in my house.

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate g...

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands ...

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

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My friend is gay, his dad kicked him out.

He no longer lives in the home of phobia

did you hear about the mathematics whiz who was afraid of negative numbers?

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

[OC?I just heard that superstar Phil Collins has an irrational fear of eating an inauthentic Vietnamese noodle dish.

He calls it faux-pho-phobia.

I was telling my friend about the new guy at our office.

Me: He’s a complete wuss, we went to the store room together and on entering he screamed “oh my god, a mouse, get it away from me!!”

Friend: Well I can kind of understand that. Some people have genuine phobias of mice.

Me: Five seconds after that he screamed “oh my god, a keyboar...

John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

A man goes to the doctor..

He says "Doc, I think there's a monster under my bed, and I can't go to sleep." The doctor says "all right, take these pills three times a day for a week and tell me if it works.". The man takes the pills and goes back home. A week later, the man doesn't come back, so the doctor calls him."Oh, don't...

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

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