My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

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My girlfriend has an IQ of 200 and I'm jealous of her.

So last night I fucked her brains out.

Why is Mario jealous of Donald Trump?

Because he has been in peach twice now

I'm so jealous of my wife

She did a much better job of picking a spouse than I did.

What two letters are always jealous?

N-V

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

What do you call a person who is jealous of you having marijuana?

... *Jointless*

Jealous husband

Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Why was the Emo girl jealous of her phone?

It died

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

What do you call a really jealous German?

A sour kraut

Why did support group website for jealous husband use http?

Because they were insecure

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

A married couple are lying in bed on the night of their anniversary...

The man asks her "Honey? There's something I've always wanted to ask you. How many men have you been with?"

"Oh darling." she says. "You don't want to know that. I know you too well. You'd get all jealous and angry with me."

He insists he won't. After a few minutes of back and forth s...

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

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Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper

He said, "Baby, I know I'm late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won't live through the night. If I do, they'll have to amputate both legs and I'll need around-the-clock care fo...

My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping...

There’s always a cashier checking me out.

I’m a little jealous of everyone in Alabama.

They only have to go to one family reunion.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

I am jealous of eggs...

... they get laid, while I do not.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

I’m jealous of my dad, he finished the hardest game before me

RIP dad

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

Why was yellow jealous of green?

Because red blue green.

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?

Because it's Tuesday.

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I never realized how jealous my brother can get. He beat the shit out of me just because I slept with the only girl in our class.

Homeschool problems.

Why is Batman jealous of Superman?

Superman got adopted.

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

Back in the days of olde, there was this wizard.

He wasn't a very good wizard, in fact he really only had one spell, he could cause things to swirl. At first this seemed like a rather useless power, until he stopped a thief by making the water in a small creek swirl into a whirlpool as the thief tried to wade across. Later, he foiled an evil kni...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

A jealous boyfriend.

A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. “Are you cheating?” her angry boyfriend asks. “Is there somebody else?” The girlfriend laughs and replies, “Do you really think I’d still be dating you if there were someone else?”

The jealous husband!

After the husband heard that his wife was cheating on him, he went home furiously and saw his wife cheating with his friend. He shoots his friend right there and he dies. The wife, after saw what happened, said to her husband:

“Honey, if you keep doing that, you will lose all of your friends”

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

I am extremely jealous of anyone who can play the piano very well.

I guess you could say I am suffering from a case of pianist envy.

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators

They really got in on the ground floor.

I told my GF that I'm jealous of her V-J. She shows me NO pity, though.

She just rubs it in my face

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Does your asshole every get jealous...

Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

I'm jealous of Santa...

...he can yell "hoe hoe hoe" at anyone and get away with it.

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is...

Who was the blind horse jealous of?

The seahorse.

Why was the pilot jealous of the chef?

Because of his ground thyme.

I'm jealous of the American date system...

Because they will be able to one day write 4/20/69.

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr


Him: There you go.

Her: Ok. Talk to you later...


This went on for a few days. She wou...

I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...

Because they always find a job in their field.

Guy at work saw I was jealous of his new keyboard...

He said we can type on it at the same time but our hands might touch, I said that's ok - no home row bro.

My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.

We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face

Because at least half his face is normal

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A very jealous husband would call his wife from work everyday " where are you ?"

And everyday she would respond "I'm at home honey"..................
" oh yeah ? Well turn on the blender , I wanna hear it"............................. And she would turn on the blender, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. ............. This would go on day after day . One day he decides to leave early from ...

Why was my other pillow jealous?

Because I like to sleep around.

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My penis is jealous because...

baby, you just blew my mind

I was so ecstatic to receive an OnlyFans discount that was 69% off, but my friend keeps making fun of it.

I told him that he's just jealous because he's not eligible for that family discount.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

The creator of pringles is dead and is now buried in a pringles can. But why couldn't he just make the hole wider for us to reach the bottom?

Guess he just wanted us to be jealous that hes the only one who can.

Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?

Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

[NSFW] "Are you having an affair with the postman" I confronted my wife.

"I'm not surprised that you would be jealous of a guy who is in and out of the house in 2 minutes". She replied

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

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Always introduce the baby to your household pets

"Always introduce the baby to your household pets because they tend to feel jealous and will behave in an unpredictable manner." was a tip I'd read in a parenting book.

"Now that's some pretty shit advice......" I thought as my 3 day old daughter fell straight to the bottom of the fish ta...

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

People say that I'm a bad person...

But I think they're just jealous that they can't kick a pigeon as far as I can

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jea...

Dinner

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. S...

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be re...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

A 70-year-old, an 80-year-old, and an 90-year-old are discussing how they want to die.

A 70-year-old, an 80-year-old, and an 90-year-old man are sitting in a bar discussing how each of them wants to die. The 70-year-old says, "I want to die in a sudden car accident -- you never know what hits you, and it's over in an instant." The 80-year-old says, "I want to die in a plane crash -- y...

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

Only you can prevent narcissism

...and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're just jealous!

Peace, Love and Happiness

A very strict man had three hot daughters, named Peace, Love and Happiness. He always hated any guy his daughters brought home - always told them there was no man good enough for his daughters.

Peace was dating a boy he particularly hated, but she kept dating him anyway. Once Peace and her bo...

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