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Jealous Jokes

My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

Jealous husband

Jealous husband: "My wife where are you?"

Wife: "At home love."

Husband: "Are you sure?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Turn on the blender."

Wife: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee

Husband: "Ok my love goodbye."

Another day, Jealous husband: "My wife where ar...

Why is Mario jealous of Donald Trump?

Because he has been in peach twice now

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My girlfriend has an IQ of 200 and I'm jealous of her.

So last night I fucked her brains out.

Man: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” Woman: “why?”

Man: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

My wife gets so jealous...

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

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The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary.

The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary. She wants to fire her for a trivial matter.
The secretary defends herself: "You're just frustrated because I climax faster than you!
The boss' wife wonders surprised: "Did my husband tell you that?"
"No, the postman!"

A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

My wife is jealous of my alarm clock.

It is the only thing that can get me up.

Jealous Potential Ex-Girlfriend: “Who was that girl you were talking to?”

Guy: “Huh? Oh that was Yabi, an old friend of mine.”

JPEG: “Yabi?? I’ve never heard of her before!”

Guy: “Yabi Zeness? I swear you two have met.”

JPEG: “Absolutely not. What did she want?”

Guy: “Oh she just let me know she recently joined the church on the corner. She’s g...

Jealous wife and the Food processor

A jealous wife, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr

Hi...

What two letters are always jealous?

N-V

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Why is Batman jealous of Superman?

Superman got adopted.

Why was Sideshow Bob so jealous of Moe?

He always wanted to be a bartender.

Why is Joseph jealous of Jesus ?

Because Jesus is getting a second coming while he didn't even get a first one

I'm so jealous of my wife

She did a much better job of picking a spouse than I did.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping...

There’s always a cashier checking me out.

Why was the Emo girl jealous of her phone?

It died

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

What do you call a really jealous German?

A sour kraut

Why was yellow jealous of green?

Because red blue green.

Why did support group website for jealous husband use http?

Because they were insecure

A jealous boyfriend.

A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. “Are you cheating?” her angry boyfriend asks. “Is there somebody else?” The girlfriend laughs and replies, “Do you really think I’d still be dating you if there were someone else?”

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Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper

He said, "Baby, I know I'm late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won't live through the night. If I do, they'll have to amputate both legs and I'll need around-the-clock care fo...

The jealous husband!

After the husband heard that his wife was cheating on him, he went home furiously and saw his wife cheating with his friend. He shoots his friend right there and he dies. The wife, after saw what happened, said to her husband:

“Honey, if you keep doing that, you will lose all of your friends”

I’m a little jealous of everyone in Alabama.

They only have to go to one family reunion.

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?

Because it's Tuesday.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

I'm jealous of Santa...

...he can yell "hoe hoe hoe" at anyone and get away with it.

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is...

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Does your asshole every get jealous...

Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers...

Because they always find a job in their field.

I’m jealous of my dad, he finished the hardest game before me

RIP dad

A woman buys a wardrobe for her bedroom

After it is installed all is well until the train passes on the nearby track and the wardrobe falls down.

She calls a technician to check it out, he proceeds to secure it with some supports but when the train passes it again falls down.

Surprised but determined, the technician again in...

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

Why was my other pillow jealous?

Because I like to sleep around.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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I never realized how jealous my brother can get. He beat the shit out of me just because I slept with the only girl in our class.

Homeschool problems.

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

I am extremely jealous of anyone who can play the piano very well.

I guess you could say I am suffering from a case of pianist envy.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators

They really got in on the ground floor.

You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face

Because at least half his face is normal

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My penis is jealous because...

baby, you just blew my mind

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"I'm jealous of his glasses because they sit on his face and I don't."

"I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping inside you and I'm not."

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

I told my GF that I'm jealous of her V-J. She shows me NO pity, though.

She just rubs it in my face

Who was the blind horse jealous of?

The seahorse.

Why was the pilot jealous of the chef?

Because of his ground thyme.

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?

Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

Jesus and Peter are only jealous of one person...

Luke, a Skywalker

My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.

We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

My girlfriend is a very jealous and vain woman. She often comments about how much prettier she is than my ex. Finally I told her, "Yeah! Of course you're prettier. I traded UP!"

"So imagine how gorgeous the next one's gonna be!"

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

I'm jealous of the American date system...

Because they will be able to one day write 4/20/69.

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

Guy at work saw I was jealous of his new keyboard...

He said we can type on it at the same time but our hands might touch, I said that's ok - no home row bro.

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

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A very jealous husband would call his wife from work everyday " where are you ?"

And everyday she would respond "I'm at home honey"..................
" oh yeah ? Well turn on the blender , I wanna hear it"............................. And she would turn on the blender, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. ............. This would go on day after day . One day he decides to leave early from ...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating...

Apparently jealous was not the right answer.

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

If women ruled the world,,,

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

Alliance Motors are saying that the latest Range Rover is a Marvel.

DC must be jealous.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

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Guy walks into a pub….

….. he sits down and orders a beer.

A few moments later a guy walks in with a frog, and orders a beer. He places the frog on the counter. The bar keeper says to the man “why have you got a frog?”.

The second man says “I’ve got to sell it, my wife isn’t happy I have it.”

First ma...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

People say that I'm a bad person...

But I think they're just jealous that they can't kick a pigeon as far as I can

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

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Jamaican man

Once an English man went to Jamaica. He was using the urinal and saw a Jamaican man. He saw the tattoo of initial W A on the Jamaican man's penis and was a bit jealous. He went to a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo on his penis. The next day, he met the same Jamaican man and proudly prompted, ...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

Happy Anniversary

A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question.

"Honey, I was just wondering something," he said.

"What's that, dear?" the wife wondered.

"Well... we've been...

The creator of pringles is dead and is now buried in a pringles can. But why couldn't he just make the hole wider for us to reach the bottom?

Guess he just wanted us to be jealous that hes the only one who can.

"Oh, what a beautiful diamond ring! I've never seen it's like!"

...said the young woman.

"Really?!" said the much older woman. "This is the famous Hershfield diamond."

Amazed, the young woman said, "I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. It comes with a horrific curse!"

"A curse?" asked the younger woman. "What's that?"

"Sam Hershfield"

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A King was about to leave the kingdom for a long journey

However, he was jealous that every servant and Knight in the castle would want to approach his queen.

He therefore created a chopping mechanism that would cut anything that would penetrate his wife. He put that belt around his woman and left.

After three months he returned to the castl...

I was so ecstatic to receive an OnlyFans discount that was 69% off, but my friend keeps making fun of it.

I told him that he's just jealous because he's not eligible for that family discount.

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

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