My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

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I was feeling insecure, so I asked my wife, "Honey, what is the difference between a boy and a man?"

She said, "A man, Tom...has his own opinion, his own walk. He is not afraid of other men, no matter their size, no matter how intimidating they might be. But most importantly, Tom, a man...a man has a massive cock."

I smiled and nodded confidently, and said, "Well, I suppose that makes me a m...

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Watching porn always makes me insecure....

Even though i know the girls are especially selected for their small hands.

My girlfriend is very insecure about relationships

It probably didn't help when I told her I've never broken up with a girl who wasn't pregnant.

Reddit upvoted me because i was insecure.

No, wait. it was just because i reposted the same joke for the 276,169th time earlier today.

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

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I went to a therapist to talk about how insecure I was about my looks.

He told me to lie on the couch face down.

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

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My wife thinks I’m too insecure.

At least that’s what I overheard her telling her therapist.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.


She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.


S...

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Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

Why was the insecure comedian always talking to the old sidewalk?

Because it was always cracking up.

(Inspired by my 7yo kid)

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My wife thinks I'm insecure, and that the only reason I'm keeping her is because she is great in bed.

But you fuckers already know that, don't cha?

/r/jokes Must be full of insecure men...

I keep seeing posts wrongfully flagged "long"

Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies

After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.

What just screams “I’m insecure about my body”?

Me when I look in the mirror.

What did the insecure, cheesy dorito say?

"I'm nacho sure anymore"

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

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Jews are so insecure...

they constantly remind us their country isreal.

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.

Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she ...

Hey girl are you HTTP?

Because you're really insecure

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend.

I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month.

My wife told me I'm an emotional, emotional, insecure coward.

Now I feel depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me any time.

****

Dammit, I spoiled it with the double emotional.

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Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both)

What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"

Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?

She was a little husky.

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A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

What do passwords and teenagers have in common?

They are both insecure.

A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

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A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if...

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:

"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."

The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"

While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:<...

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?
.
Because your incredibly insecure
.
Hahaha

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

To make a long story short,

Make it feel insecure about itself.

You wouldn't want to keep your money in a depressed safe.

It's too insecure.

A translated Chinese Joke

*Apologies in advance, as this joke does not translate cleanly. I had to adapt part of it so it could make sense*






A eunuch (think Varys from Game of Thrones) was wandering around town.

Back in ancient China, many high ranking jobs had castration as a requireme...

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What do spam emails and porn have in common?

They both make me insecure about my penis.

So the FBI paid professional hackers to unlock the shooter's iPhone.

But whenever I pay hackers to unlock an iPhone, I'm "too insecure to be in a relationship".

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