UPJOKE
unsafevulnerabledistrustfuloverprotectiveuncomfortablefearfulprecariousshakyunsecuredoveranxiousunguaranteedunprotectedunassureddangerousunstable

Insecure Jokes

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

My girlfriend is very insecure about relationships

It probably didn't help when I told her I've never broken up with a girl who wasn't pregnant.

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

My girl is so insecure...

Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like "Who's the bald chick?!".

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife thinks I’m too insecure.

At least that’s what I overheard her telling her therapist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews are so insecure...

they constantly remind us their country isreal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

Everybody said I must be an insecure, small man to try and marry multiple people.

I think they're wrong, I think it's big-o'-me!

My friend just did her hair up in a bun and was feeling very insecure about it

So being the supportive friend I am, I assured her her buns were fine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies

After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.

/r/jokes Must be full of insecure men...

I keep seeing posts wrongfully flagged "long"

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.

Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a therapist to talk about how insecure I was about my looks.

He told me to lie on the couch face down.

Reddit upvoted me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait it's just because I reposted the same dumb joke as last week.

Why was the insecure comedian always talking to the old sidewalk?

Because it was always cracking up.

(Inspired by my 7yo kid)

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both)

What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

My wife told me I'm an emotional, emotional, insecure coward.

Now I feel depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me any time.

****

Dammit, I spoiled it with the double emotional.

What does an insecure white kid do when he accidentally leaves a page?

Alt+Right

My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend.

I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?

She was a little husky.

I have an apartment complex

I'm very insecure about mine

To make a long story short,

Make it feel insecure about itself.

I wish I were better at self deprecating jokes

Unfortunately I'm far too insecure about myself to make them

My brother and I took an Irish lady on a date.

Everything went perfectly until she tried to make us feel insecure about our weight. At the end of the night she said, "I had a great time, tanks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happily ever after

Bob was tired of being single but he was extremely insecure about his dick. He decided to join a church and woo a really shy woman to make his wife.

He found a decent woman who showed up to church every Sunday. She was quiet and always kept to herself. After a year of dating her she a...

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.


She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.


S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

Why did support group website for jealous husband use http?

Because they were insecure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

Hey girl are you HTTP?

Because you're really insecure

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?
.
Because your incredibly insecure
.
Hahaha

What do passwords and teenagers have in common?

They are both insecure.

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

You wouldn't want to keep your money in a depressed safe.

It's too insecure.

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:

"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."

The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"

While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do spam emails and porn have in common?

They both make me insecure about my penis.

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.