I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure..

Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of coffee.

My girl is so insecure...

Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like "Who's the bald chick?!".

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching porn always makes me insecure....

Even though i know the girls are especially selected for their small hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was feeling insecure, so I asked my wife, "Honey, what is the difference between a boy and a man?"

She said, "A man, Tom...has his own opinion, his own walk. He is not afraid of other men, no matter their size, no matter how intimidating they might be. But most importantly, Tom, a man...a man has a massive cock."

I smiled and nodded confidently, and said, "Well, I suppose that makes me a m...

My girlfriend is very insecure about relationships

It probably didn't help when I told her I've never broken up with a girl who wasn't pregnant.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

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I went to a therapist to talk about how insecure I was about my looks.

He told me to lie on the couch face down.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

My wife left me because she said I was too insecure.

Oh, never mind- she just went to the grocery store- she’s back home now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes

A police officer was standing on the side of the road, as he saw a dirty beggar drive past in a brand new Mercedes. He thought to himself:

"That's unusual."

So, without hesitation, the officer jumped in his car and pulled the beggar over, came up to the window and asked:

- Tel...

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife thinks I’m too insecure.

At least that’s what I overheard her telling her therapist.

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned...

...so he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.

Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she ...

What just screams “I’m insecure about my body”?

Me when I look in the mirror.

/r/jokes Must be full of insecure men...

I keep seeing posts wrongfully flagged "long"

Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies

After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jews are so insecure...

they constantly remind us their country isreal.

What did the insecure, cheesy dorito say?

"I'm nacho sure anymore"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

Reddit upvoted me because I'm too insecure.

Oh wait it's just because I reposted the same dumb joke as last week.

My friend asked me why I act so insecure when he would talk to my girlfriend.

I don't remember what my answer was, but their son Malcolm turns two next month.

What does an insecure white kid do when he accidentally leaves a page?

Alt+Right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both)

What do you call a immigrant fighting a rapist. "Alien versus predator"

Why did support group website for jealous husband use http?

Because they were insecure

My wife told me I'm an emotional, emotional, insecure coward.

Now I feel depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me any time.

****

Dammit, I spoiled it with the double emotional.

Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?

She was a little husky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did ya come from, Wooden Eye Joe

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's too poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks...

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

Hey girl are you HTTP?

Because you're really insecure

What do passwords and teenagers have in common?

They are both insecure.

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?
.
Because your incredibly insecure
.
Hahaha

A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market

An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:

"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."

The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"

While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:<...

To make a long story short,

Make it feel insecure about itself.

You wouldn't want to keep your money in a depressed safe.

It's too insecure.

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