My neighbour's dog is oddly into BDSM. Yesterday he married a loudspeaker.

It was a subwoofer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

It’s a beautiful day on the golf course

A man, mid 40s, white polo shirt, is lining up for his shot on the 10th hole. Just as he enters his backswing a voice comes over the loudspeaker from the clubhouse-
“Will the gentleman in the ladies’ tee-box on hole 10 please move back to the men’s tee-box”

Backswing interrupted, the man s...

I can tell you first hand what standing next to a loudspeaker feels like.

It hertz.

A man gets in a car crash and is sent to Hell.

He is greeted by Satan and three doors. “What’s in the doors?” the man asks. “Well,” Satan responds, “each door contains one of your choices for where to spend the rest of eternity.” The man looks at the doors and asks, “Can I look inside them first?” Satan nods and opens the first door. Inside is a...

A guy walks into a brothel...

“I’d like to have a girl.”

The madame gets on the loudspeaker:

“Harry- lube up Sarah!”

“That’ll be $40.”

“I don’t have that much.”

“Harry- forget it! Lube up Tonya!”

“That’ll be $20.”

“I don’t have that much either.”

“Harry- forget it! ...

A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a ...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

A joke an old man told me at work

An Irish cruise ship is headed back from the Bahamas on its last night at sea. Right around dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.

“This is your captain speaking. There has been a mix up in our supply. While there are 1,000 passengers on board, we only have 750 meals for you all to...

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The Jerk With the Megaphone

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m; I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
...

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A man dies and goes to hell

He meets Satan and is told he has the choice of three rooms to spend the rest of eternity in. They enter the first room where hundreds of people are standing on their heads on top of concrete flooring. The man asks to see the next room as he can't imagine having to withstand all that pain for all of...

A worthless joke from a worthless redditor

A dog went out swimming one day and in the distance saw someone calling out for him. He swam over and as the figure became clearer he realized it was a mermaid. She gave him a loudspeaker which had been on her lap and asked him to carry it down to an underwater care for her friend's party. The dog o...

A blonde and a businessman are flying...

A blonde and a businessman are flying... the pilot says over the speaker that they've lost an engine, but they should be just fine, flying on three engines. However, it will take an extra hour to get where they're going.

After a little while, there's some rumbling, and the pilot says over ...

Me and my wife were arrived at a popular restaurant

It was quite crowded, so my wife went up to the hostess and asked "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up, "About 10 minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B...

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top an...

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The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet.

After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: This is your Captain Ramaa Kirti. We are cruising at 35,000 feet etc etc...
When the announcement is finished the woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks: Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman? ...

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A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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A high school janitor goes to the principal's office

He tells the principal how the girls won't stop kissing the bathroom mirrors everyday to leave their lipstick marks, and how it is difficult to clean. The principal announces over the loudspeaker at the beginning of the day and tells the culprits to stop immediately. Things just got worse after this...

Pope John Paul II...

...was on a tour of the United States some years ago. During a stop in Atlanta, an admirer presented him with a beautiful handmade ring. But somehow, in the hectic confusion of the tour, the ring was misplaced.

"Don't worry, Your Holiness," said the pope's aide. "I'm sure it will turn up b...

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So I'm riding on a plane.....

.....and the captain is talking to us on the loudspeaker about the weather and all of that stuff. He then proceeds to say, "You know what I could use? A blowjob and some coffee." without realizing the intercom is still turned on. The stewardess begins walking towards the cockpit to inform him that h...

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Flight New York - London

"Greetings passengers, it's your pilot speaking, the estimated time of the flight is about 8 hours, the sky is clear, and we should have no issues reaching our destination in time." The pilot then proceeded to put down the plane's loudspeaker, but he forgets to turn it off, and says to his co-pilot,...

So this plane is flying over the atlantic.

So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. The captain comes over the loudspeaker and says, "One of our engines is malfunctioning but we should still make it to our destination just a little late.".

30 minutes and everyone hears a loud BOOM. The passengers get nervous and start looking ...

A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to ...

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