UPJOKE
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Outer Jokes

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

I tried to start a comedy club in outer space once.

But sadly there was no atmosphere on opening night.

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.

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If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an -tronaut

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

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What do you call a black guy in outer space?

An astronaut you racist .

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What happens if you in outer space?

Your would be out of this world.

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Girl, you got me so into outer space

I can see my self in Uranus.

i had an outer body experience yesterday

i was beside myself

What type of currency they use in outer space?

Star Bucks

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

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Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

How did the first woman get into outer space?

Chuck Norris came.

What do you get when you cross J.K. Rowling with outer space?

AstroTERF.

Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl?

Because the universal currency is Starbucks

Two aliens are observing Earth from their spaceship in outer space...

"This is interesting," says the first, "the biped species on this planet has developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

"Are they an emerging intelligence?" Asks the second alien, who looks exactly like the first.

"I don't know, they have them all pointed at themselves."

Why do dogs hate outer space?

Because they strongly dislike vacuums.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Why didn't the dog want to go into outer space?

Because he was scared of vacuums!

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

A guy with a face mask is leaning up against the outer wall of a Wells Fargo bank.

A police officer comes and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm holding up this bank," the man says.

"Very funny. Now move along."

The man walks away, and the bank falls down.

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

To find Pluto.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

A hole has been found in the outer wall of a nudist camp. Foul play suspected...

Investigators are looking into it.

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When Yuri Gagarin was a kid, he dreamt to be the first one in outer space ...

... but some beat him to it.

I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me.

I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

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Black or white goat

TV ANCHOR INTERVIEWING A FARMER.

Anchor: what do you feed your goats?
Farmer: black one or white one?

Anchor: white one...
Farmer: grass.

Anchor: and black one??
Farmer: i give her grass too?

Anchor: where do they sleep?
Farmer: which one, black or white?
<...

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

I want to know if this Spanish joke translates at all

What’s the similarity between a boat, a firefighter and a family?

The boat and the firefighter have hard outer coverings (cascos).

*and the family?*

They’re good, thanks for asking!




(Original Spanish)
¿Que se parece entre un bombero, un barco y una famili...

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

A Russian, American and Blonde were in a bar...

The Russian started a conversation:
Russian: You know, we were the first in outer space
American: Oh yeah, we landed on the moon
Blonde: You know what, we'll land on the Sun
Russian (Confused): But it's too hot
American: Yeah, you'll burn before you know what happened
Blonde: I k...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

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True Story

When I was going to college (in eastern european country), the dorms had only one toilet and they were locked after midnight. One night my friend wakes me up saying that he has stomach issues and cannot hold it in. We go to the window in the corridor and he puts his out of the window and eases h...

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

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A priest and his buddy are having a shooting competition down at the range...

The priest went first. He aimed his rifle and shot at the target, hitting a perfect bullseye. His friend went next, aimed, and fired way off course, missing the target completely. He angrily exclaims, ", I missed!"

The priest, upon hearing this, warns his friend, telling him "You better w...

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...
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