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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

What drink is forbidden in Palestine?

Juice.

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker upload his pics to email them to Padme?

Because attachments are forbidden.

i walk through the forbidden forest

im treespassing

Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?

‘Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.

What do you call a pastry made from forbidden fruit?

a SIN-pie!

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

What do you call an antelope that is forbidden to marry?

Cantelope.

Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?

Canteloupe

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According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

Remember when talking about plastic surgery was considered a forbidden subject?

Now you can talk about Botox at a restaurant, and nobody will raise an eyebrow.

Apple Store

Why is it forbidden to fart in an Apple Store?

Because they don't have Windows!

I went out for ice cream and asked for a scoop of Forbidden Chocolate.

They said no.

The Three Forbidden Tortures

A man's car breaks down and is forced to walk to the nearest phone for help. Unfortunately, being in the country, he ends up walking a ways before he finds a small farm. He knocks on the door and an old Chinese farmer opens the door. The man explains his predicament and asks to use his telephone ...

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

What's forbidden to diabetic vampires

sweethearts

I heard it's forbidden to count in Afghanistan...

because of the tally ban.

Tom is coming to the school with a huge black eye

Teacher: what happened, were you in a fight? You know it's forbidden!
Tom: No, we went fishing with Pa, and a huge hornet sat on my eye!
Teacher: my goodness! Did it bite you? Tom: Nah, Pa managed to kill it with the oar

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A forbidden love

"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient,...

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

Sick eagles are forbidden by law.

They're illeagle.

Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church?

They are in-sects

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

Leap Day should be an international holiday where all business is expressly forbidden. Everyone gets a "free day" to spend extra time with loved ones, chase dreams, or try something new.

No explanation needed, this proposal is a big joke in itself

worse than Donald Trump

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

We were learning about energy in 3rd grade...

I raised my hand curiously and the teacher called on me and I asked “What energy do lights use?” She looked at me hesitantly, as if I asked about a forbidden knowledge, questioning what she should respond with and said “I would tell you but the answer is very shocking.” Frustrated with the answer, ...

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Dad: It's time we had "the talk".

Me: Oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka.


Dad: The what?

Me: Ya know, boppin' squiddles?


Dad: Excuse me..


Me: Slaying the vadragon?


Dad: What?!?


Me: Disappointing the wife.


Dad: Oh sex, right.

Did you know that God uses Android phones?

It's because he made the galaxy and the apple is forbidden.

A couple walk into a Chinese restaurant and were greeted by an Asian waiter who had an accent.

He escorted them through the restaurant and the couple picked out a table to sit at. But, just as they were about to sit, the waiter said in his accent, "It is forbidden.". The couple asked why was the table forbidden. The waiter repeated, "It is forbidden.". The couple were growing annoyed, but th...

The Original Sin

When God found out that Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit, he decided that she deserved to be punished. Her sin was so terrible that also every other woman would have to pay for Eve’s treason. God sentenced them all to pay with their blood... but through convenient monthly installments.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

Longtime Friends - Priest and a Rabbi (LONG)

Every Tuesday for the last 25 years a priest and a rabbi have met at the local diner to have lunch and kvetch about things.


This day, while eating lunch and waxing philosophical, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks him, "We've known each other for over 25 years. All this time I'm cu...

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid ...

Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven.

They’re greeted at the gates by St Peter, who says to them “I’m sorry ladies, but we’re getting very full these days, so you’ll need to answer a question about the bible each to get in.” The nuns agree and he asked the first one “How long have you been a nun?”.

“Only about six months.” She re...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five mi...

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Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pop...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

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There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

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The Priest and the Rabbi.

Two men are sitting on a train, and they start talking. They soon learn that one is a Priest and the other a Rabbi.

“How long have you been a Rabbi?” The Priest asks.

“25 years next week” the Rabbi replies. “ How about you, how long have you been a Priest?”

“27 years” the Prie...

A DEA agent drives out to a farm to investigate rumours they are growing marijuana.

He approaches the farmer and shows him his warrant explaining that he will be searching the property.

Farmer: Okay, do what you gotta do. Just don't cross that fence over there.

Agent: See this warrant? It says i go where I want to. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Farmer: Do what you got...

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. ...

A Muslim walks into a bar

and orders a bacon sandwich and a beer.

"Isn't that forbidden in your religion?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, but my sins will be forgiven in... 9 minutes.. and 30 seconds."

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

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The Foo Bird

There is a very unique species of bird in Africa known as the Foo bird. In most African tribes the Foo bird is widely believed to be holy. Even the droppings of the Foo bird are regarded as sacred. If defecated on, it is forbidden to wipe the Foo bird droppings off. As the old saying goes, if the Fo...

A Muslim Imam, after years of adherence to the Quran, begins to wonder what pork taste like...

He confesses this temptation to his wife who reaffirms that pork is strictly forbidden by their faith.



One evening, however, he gives in to his curiosity and buys a pulled pork slider on his way back from work. He finds a quiet bench in a nearby park and prepares to take a bite of his...

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's f...

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A priest, an immam and a rabbi are discussing the miracles in their lives that had truly cemented their respective faiths.

The priest says "once I was out on a boat, and a storm hit. The boat was about to capsize, but when I prayed to God suddenly the oceans 100 feet around us became calm".

The immam says "that is good, but once I was in the middle of a warzone with bullets flying through the air all around me. I...

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

Heard it on "The Forbidden Room" on Netflix

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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.

After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky da...

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

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The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will co...

They Were Alone!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed.
He watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance.
She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect
her from t...

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So my friend was in Germany and made a nazi joke...

And people got a bit embarrassed and quietly explained to him that "ehm, you probably shouldn't do nazi jokes here, it's kind of forbidden...", to which he replied:

"Well that's stupid! What kind of fascist country bans nazi jokes?!"

Shipwreck

A cruise ship get badly damaged by the iceberg. Passengers crowd on the deck. It is obvious they need to jump into the water, but it's cold and three particular groups of tourists are hesistant.

Captain walks up to the first group, who are americans, tells them something and they all jump....

Adam and Eve eat the apple

of the forbidden tree, God sees this and is very angry, "Adam!" he says, "for what you have done from now on by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food...." "And you Eve...you will pay with *blood*

But you can pay me in comfortable monthly payments

The Elephant Man

A man takes his elephant to the airport.
The guard stops him, saying he is forbidden from bringing animals aboard, and the man retreats back home with his elephant.
The next day the man returns to the airport with his elephant.
The man puts bread crumbs into the elephants ears and walks up ...

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Blind man

During summer there was a day that was so hot it was almost unbearable.

In an old church, with no fans or air conditioning there was two nuns and a priest. The nuns clothing was making them so hot since it was not very breathable material.

So they decided to go to the priest and ask,...

Fishing not allowed.

Ok, so I remember one from my youth times, hope it´s not too overused. here it goes:

A man is fishing in a forbidden zone, with a clear sign showing, when a police truck pulls over to confront the man. Seeing the officer coming in his direction, he hides his fishing rod, and silently watches ...

The policeman and the newspapers

A policeman is assigned to a new central station. His chief command him to buy a newspaper every morning, for a week. The news-stand is a few miles away and he is forbidden to take a car, because he's a rookie. He thinks: "Screw that! Today I'll walk to the news-stand and I'll buy 7 copies of the ne...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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