Darn... my PC hangs :/

I didn't know it was Non-Binary!

...well darn

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

Me:. Why are you making that funny face? Is it because I farted?

Cowboy:. Yer darn tootin'!

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(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right...

.....I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

The Little Old Lady.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

I felt like I forgot something before I left the house, and, gosh darn it...

It was the Alamo.

That Darned Auto-Correct

A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any...

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did y...

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Darn kinds

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's ci...

Alligator Boots

One day A Ranger decided he wanted to get himself some gator boots, and being a Ranger he wasn't about to go to a store for some. Instead he goes out to the bayou to find a gator to make himself some shoes.
So he comes across a local man and asks him where he can find a gator. The man gives him ...

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "Darn" And a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

Got a hole in my sock today.

Darn it.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she sa...

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.


A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Two, but I still don't know how they got in there!

It's my cake day and I remembered to make a post! (Wait, one thing say today and one thing says tomorrow - it's today gosh darn it!)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

What did Giuliani say when asked if he was going to file more lawsuits?

Darn tootin'

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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"


...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

A turkey farmer was experimenting with ways to make a better turkey.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer announced to his friends, "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

My parrot died yesterday.

Its last words were " Darn, I think my parrot is going to die".

Shopping Spree

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman, as he handed her a few of his business cards.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesm...

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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling....

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

I got Up this morning.

I thought why not since it's a pretty darn good movie.

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A man walks up to a steaming heap of brown matter..

He stops. "Sure looks like shit to me", he mumbles to himself.

He bends down, and with his nose next to it, he takes a deep breath. ""Sure smells like shit to me", he says.

He gently pushes three fingers deep into the brown matter. "Darn sure feels like shit to me", he exclaims.
...

An elderly couple are getting ready

For a date, as the wife steps out of the shower she looks in the mirror and says “I’ve got wrinkles all over, my hair is grey, I’m fatter than when we got married and things aren’t hanging where they used to be.” She turns to her husband and says “I feel down right ugly I need a complement.” After t...

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

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A chicken farmer goes to the swap meet in the morning to buy a new rooster for his farm.

He finds a very impressive cock and buys it. He brings the rooster home and before lunch time, that darn rooster had screwed every chicken on the farm. The farmer couldn't believe it. After lunch, that rooster had gone and screwed every chicken on the farm again.

As the sun was about to s...

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Ha...

There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

A horse rider was riding along the road when he saw a person in a convertible going really fast

Finally the convertible stopped at a gas station. The rider came up and asked him, “Why are you driving so fast?”

The man responded,”my coolant system is broken, I drive fast to let the wind cool my engine.

The rider then rode off, pushing his horse faster and faster until finally it d...

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A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

Shaking hands

Old Frank had developed a rather nasty case of hand tremor. The doctor took a good look at Franks shaking hands, and asked, - Do you drink a lot?

No, replied Frank, the darn glass is always empty before I reach my chair.

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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?

So, over th...

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Oh deer

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911, what's the emergency?"

"Oh man oh man oh man"

"Calm down, sir. What has happened?"

"I shot Bill. I think it's bad. He's bleeding all over the place"

"You shot him?"

"Yes yes yes. I shot him. Didn't mean to! My rifle slipped ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Darn. I was hoping you knew.

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring!

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The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:

Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.<...

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A man is driving through a small town and sees a sign in front of an old house...

"Talking Dog for Sale!"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Darn right i do!" the Lab replies.

After the guy...

There is one villain Iron Man could never be mad at.

He finds Magneto just too darn attractive.

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One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

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A very poor man

decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catc...

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

hey guys im trying out jokes, What do you get when oxygen and iron meet?

Ah darn, I forgot the punchline. Sorry guys Im a little rusty

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There's an old widow sitting in her rocking chair

There's an old widow is sitting in her rocking chair. One day, sitting in her rocking chair, she says to herself "It's about darn time I got married!" So she stands up and walks to the computer and posts an ad on Craigslist.

The ad says: "HUSBAND WANTED! He must never beat me, he must never ...

Deer walks into a bar

Deer: Darn, where all the does at?

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

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