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Decent Jokes

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

If I had a dime for every decent joke in r/jokes

then I'd have a nickel.

Where I live, I have poor cell phone coverage. I also have to drive several miles to get decent food and shopping.

The struggle is rural.

Typical, isn't it? You wait for ages for a decent bukkake scene ....

Then three come at once.

This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least

Cool quantum physics fact!

When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!



That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;

Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

The ultrasound people

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them...

Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

A decently funny war joke

Germany and France go to war. Who loses?




Belgium

The guillotine was decent in theory

But amazing in execution.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

I just ended a decent relationship with my gf

That's the last time i trust reddit.

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

Why the png can't get a decent job?

Because he fails the background check.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

My Cyclist Friend Was A Decent Guy

Until he turned into a cycle path.

What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam?

Medium well done.

Side joke: It made very few mis steaks

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

I was going to make a pretty decent unboxing video today

However it’s against the rules to film in a cemetery...

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

I love steak puns, but it's difficult to find any decent ones.

They're a rare medium well done.

I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

If you marry a good, decent man...

... the color of his Rolls Roys doesn't make much difference

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

A friend who works for FedEx told me how to tell a decent joke.

It's all about the delivery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long-assed golf joke- but a decent, long-assed golf joke...

A man goes to see his priest:

“Father”, the man begins, “I took the Lord’s name in vain today while I was golfing.”

“I see. This is certainly an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord, but perhaps you could tell me the circumstances around which this happened. As a golfer myself, I un...

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

It's decent money, but you can't guarantee a living as a sign spinner.

They have a high turnover rate.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.

Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who?

Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?

Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.

Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong...

but who cares, he was delicious!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few weeks ago I had some drinks and woke up to a redhead with decent sized tits

Apparently I'm stuck with him till 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Apple/orchard jokes needed!

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho...

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty Sheep Shearer

Baz the sheep shearer had just completed a six week 'shed', a live-in shearing job working with a gang on a farm with thousands of sheep. His back was sore, he'd worked long days and he was looking forward to heading home to his wife and kids.

When he walked in and caught up with his family, ...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the Contractor and the Nun...

A Catholic School was expanding its buildings, new basketball courts, the works! the winning contractor shows up a day before construction was to begin, the head Nun was talking with him and said she was going to bring all the kids out to watch parts of the work being done.
Contractor: Sister,...

What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in

"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."

If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a blonde?

With a TikTok account and some decent photo editing software, only about 4.

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be suppo...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a...

Construction trades

I know elevator workers make decent money but the job its self has its ups & downs.

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman had been away from home for a looooong time.

So, he goes to a brothel and tells the head madam: Listen, I'll give you $200 if you find me a decent girl who can give me an average fuck. The madam told him that for that amount of money she would get him a hot girl who would give him a helluva fuck to which the businessman says: but you don't und...

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

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