UPJOKE
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Insult Jokes

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

Man this insult will get you expelled...lol..

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Meanest insults without cursing

Example 1. " Your existence only proves that your dad shouldve put you in a washcloth instead of your mom "

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What's your favourite insult?

Mine is: If I wanted to hear from cunt, I'd make one queef.

Now you go

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Never insult a bald man.

There’ll be hell toupee.

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree

"Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

I don’t know why Gordon Ramsay calls people a doughnut as an insult

Because honestly if someone called me a doughnut that would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever called me

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

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Last week, my therapist decided to spend one session insulting me.

It was quite a diss appointment.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

What's the ultimate insult?

Is it in?

Of course it was not my intention to insult you!

Though it turned out to be a huge bonus.

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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The insult "you son of a bitch"

Was created by cats.

Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

Before you insult a man you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you are a mile away, and you have his shoes.

Insult me with your BEST, most offensive , crude insults you can think of!

Let's see who can make me cry, and rethink continuing living!

I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban?

A Sikh Burn!

Have you heard of the naked guy who insults people for not being devoted to Buddha?

Talk about the rudest nudist Buddhist

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
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“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Did you hear about the guy on the Oregon Trail who was shot for insulting the leader of his wagon train?

He died from dissin’ Terry.

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I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German

Tell the Austrian he is German.

Tell the Swiss he should be German.

Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.

Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

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Don't know if its more of a joke than an insult but I think it can be both

Your mother must be an asshole

Cause you're a piece of shit

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I would never insult your mother…

She was far too good in bed last night for me to complain

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

Don`t insult the French.

They eat pain for breakfast.

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How do you insult an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

I had a refrigerator that insults everyone.

Instead of keeping things cold it just burns everyone.

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Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

my friends kept on insulting me saying I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

What’s your favourite insult joke?

I’ll get it started: 2090 called, you’re dead and nobody misses you

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them.

I call it the "Dad Abase."

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It makes me so mad when people use the word "gay" as an insult

..fucking assholes

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

Whats the worst insult you can call Anakin Skywalker?

"Beach"

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

The easiest time to add insult to injury is

when you’re signing someone’s cast.

Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?

Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.

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There's a French phrase "L'esprit de l'escalier" which means thinking of a perfect comeback for a perceived insult just as you leave the party.

My usual thing to say when I have to leave a party is "Oh shit, it's the cops!"

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly mea...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

A COVID patient felt insulted when I wished him well...

I told him to stay positive.

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

What do you call a devastating British insult?

A bloody murder

The best way to insult someone is in a way they can't understand.

_[< &!:÷ ! ,>"÷ @?>)÷.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

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Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

The needle insulted me as it entered my arm

What a prick.

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

Why can't you insult Jewish people?

Because they've already been roasted.

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenge...

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The perfect response to the age-old insult

"Ur mum's gay!"

"Which one?"

Waldo once insulted chuck norris

And we all know how that's going

It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

If there were a cord that insulted people...

It would be called a discord

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

My wife insulted me saying I suck at finishing stories.

That’s when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.

How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

Yesterday I insulted a fencer...

He made a convincing riposte. I got the point.

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

I bet I could insult your mom using math...

Actually never mind its way too mean.

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

What do you call playful insults between terrorists?

Talibanter

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me...

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

How do you insult a Catholic?

Any way you like, they have to forgive you!

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Old Insults

One night when my grandfather was a little drunk, he started describing a woman he once new and he had the most hilariousness old insults. If you know some good old insults please add them in the comments but I'll start with some of the ones I've heard.

She had a face that could stop a 7 day...

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

teacher insulted due to over confidence.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

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Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called...

I insulted a communist.

I told him he was dressed "classy"

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I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

What happened to the joke that insulted the mods?

People laughed, because it was a good joke.

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

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