Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban?

A Sikh Burn!

Give a man an insult

Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish.

(from the show Better Off Ted)

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Don't know if its more of a joke than an insult but I think it can be both

Your mother must be an asshole

Cause you're a piece of shit

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

I don’t know why Gordon Ramsay calls people a doughnut as an insult

Because honestly if someone called me a doughnut that would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever called me

The easiest time to add insult to injury

Is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

Man this insult will get you expelled...lol..

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them.

I call it the "Dad Abase."

Some numbers are insulting each other

*i* to π : your decisions are so *irrational*

1 to *i:* your expectations are too *imaginary*

π to 1: you have an absolute *unit* of a beer belly

3 to -1: you are always so *negative*

*i* to 3: don't you think you're a little *odd*?

1 to 1/2: you are only but a *...

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

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The insult "you son of a bitch"

Was created by cats.

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. “S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting...

Before you insult a man you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you are a mile away, and you have his shoes.

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree

"Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"

I had a refrigerator that insults everyone.

Instead of keeping things cold it just burns everyone.

A COVID patient felt insulted when I wished him well...

I told him to stay positive.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

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Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them.

Social diss dancing.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German

Tell the Austrian he is German.

Tell the Swiss he should be German.

Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

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I just got done talking to my therapist

He says I have a habit of insulting people who are just trying to help me.

What an asshole!

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

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An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.

They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.

After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks, in a thick French accent, "allo, ca va?"

The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"

"--Ah, oui, not a problem. ...

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

The needle insulted me as it entered my arm

What a prick.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

10 Ways To Insult Your Friends With Math

10. You're obtuse.

9. You're not normal.

8. You're so negative.

7. You're not natural.

6. You're irrational.

5. You're odd.

4. You're past your prime.

2. You're such a square.

1. What friends? They are all ***i***maginary!

Whats the worst insult you can call Anakin Skywalker?

"Beach"

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The driver can't hold himself and says: "Oh my goodness, what an ugly baby"

The woman walks to the back of the bus angrily, thinking about what the driver said. She finds an empty seat next to a man and sits there. The man asks: "Excuse me madam, what happened back there, would you mind telli...

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly mea...

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

If there were a cord that insulted people...

It would be called a discord

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I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

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Guy was driving in the outback.

He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..


He goes in and was confronted by a lot off pissed up bikers.


They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.

The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

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Wood Boobs

I once saw a carpenter making boobs from a wooden log. Decided not to insult him by making a joke of it. It would have been silly.

Wooden-tit !!!

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

What does a coffee bean tell when he insults another coffee bean

'' You just got ROASTED ''

What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and everyone retaliates?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

What’s your favourite insult joke?

I’ll get it started: 2090 called, you’re dead and nobody misses you

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

Don`t insult the French.

They eat pain for breakfast.

What do you call it when Cain insults his brother?

Disable.

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

My wife insulted me saying I suck at finishing stories.

That’s when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.

So this dude dies and goes to heaven.

As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies har...

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I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

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It makes me so mad when people use the word "gay" as an insult

..fucking assholes

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen.

A man once insulted a cossack.
Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.
There was a flash of silver.

Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed."Ha you missed!"

The cossack gave an evil smile.
"Wait until you try nodding."

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I asked my wife for anal the other day. She was insulted and angrily gave me the finger

I couldn't walk properly the next day

What do you call a devastating British insult?

A bloody murder

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?

Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

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Turks got 3 problems

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solv...

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the lioness was sitting next to her husband lion

when out of nowhere the hayena came and starts throwing insults at the lion :
"you son of a bitch you motherfucker u are one weak ass king you are so stupid... etc".
the lion doesn't move an inch and keeps his cool but the lioness is so furious :
"are you not gonna do anything " .
but th...

Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me...

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

There only way to insult my religious beliefs...

...is to accuse me of having them.

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The perfect response to the age-old insult

"Ur mum's gay!"

"Which one?"

It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris

And we all know how that's going

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

A lion and lioness are just sitting in a jungle.

A lion and lioness are just sitting in a jungle.

A dog comes around and starts insulting them. The lioness asks the lion,

"Are you going to just listen or are you going to do anything about this disrespect?"

The lion ignores the lioness. The lioness couldn't take the abuse any m...

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

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How do you insult an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

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