Men throw insults at each other, but they don't really mean them.

Women compliment each other, but they don't mean it either.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

Man this insult will get you expelled...lol..

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

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I would never insult your mother…

She was far too good in bed last night for me to complain

What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban?

A Sikh Burn!

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

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Don't know if its more of a joke than an insult but I think it can be both

Your mother must be an asshole

Cause you're a piece of shit

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

I don’t know why Gordon Ramsay calls people a doughnut as an insult

Because honestly if someone called me a doughnut that would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever called me

Before you insult a man you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you are a mile away, and you have his shoes.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them.

I call it the "Dad Abase."

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

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The insult "you son of a bitch"

Was created by cats.

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. “S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting...

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Battle of the Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxy...

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree

"Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"

What do you call an insult the recipient thinks is a compliment?

A jab well done!

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Face only a mother could love

A lady walks into a restaurant with her child. The waiter, showing her to her seat, says "Ma'am, that has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Upset and shaken, the woman turns to the group at the table beside her and asks what they would do after being so insulted. The gentleman speaks up an...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

A COVID patient felt insulted when I wished him well...

I told him to stay positive.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them.

Social diss dancing.

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What is a British insult to a pirate

Scallywanker

How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German

Tell the Austrian he is German.

Tell the Swiss he should be German.

Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

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Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

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A Redditor walks into a brothel…

And he sees four doors, the first three have long lines behind them and the fourth has none. He is greeted by a elderly woman. After asking why this brothel was so popular, she explains that it’s because this isn’t just a regular brothel, this is a special brothel! The man takes another look around ...

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

The needle insulted me as it entered my arm

What a prick.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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I translated this joke from Slovakian language, hope it makes sense. It is NOT meant to insult anyone, all of you guys are kings.

It sleeps in a shed,
It eats from a bowl,
It pisses on the wheels,
What is it?
.
.
.
A lorry driver

The easiest time to add insult to injury is

when you’re signing someone’s cast.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

10 Ways To Insult Your Friends With Math

10. You're obtuse.

9. You're not normal.

8. You're so negative.

7. You're not natural.

6. You're irrational.

5. You're odd.

4. You're past your prime.

2. You're such a square.

1. What friends? They are all ***i***maginary!

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate

Right where it hertz

A Dwarf Woman Got Mad And Was Yelling Insults At Me

I just walked away and didn't say a thing. I didn't want to stoop down to her level.

The best way to insult someone is in a way they can't understand.

_[< &!:÷ ! ,>"÷ @?>)÷.

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Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Whats the worst insult you can call Anakin Skywalker?

"Beach"

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

If there were a cord that insulted people...

It would be called a discord

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly mea...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

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I just got done talking to my therapist

He says I have a habit of insulting people who are just trying to help me.

What an asshole!

Why should you insult your coffee beans before brewing them?

To make sure they are well roasted.

What does a coffee bean tell when he insults another coffee bean

'' You just got ROASTED ''

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

What do you call a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism.

A riposte

Don`t insult the French.

They eat pain for breakfast.

What’s your favourite insult joke?

I’ll get it started: 2090 called, you’re dead and nobody misses you

What do you call it when Cain insults his brother?

Disable.

My wife insulted me saying I suck at finishing stories.

That’s when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

What do you call it when someone insults the whole world, and everyone retaliates?

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

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I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.

Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.

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It makes me so mad when people use the word "gay" as an insult

..fucking assholes

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I asked my wife to give me a compliment and insult me at the same time

After thinking for 5 seconds, she said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.

Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?

Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.

My friend got offended when I insulted his broken lamp...

Then again dark humour isn't his thing

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I asked my wife for anal the other day. She was insulted and angrily gave me the finger

I couldn't walk properly the next day

What do you call a devastating British insult?

A bloody murder

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me...

I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

Adding Insult to Introduction

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, ...

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

There only way to insult my religious beliefs...

...is to accuse me of having them.

It’s so rude to insult someone in Braille.

Just think about how it makes them feel.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The driver can't hold himself and says: "Oh my goodness, what an ugly baby"

The woman walks to the back of the bus angrily, thinking about what the driver said. She finds an empty seat next to a man and sits there. The man asks: "Excuse me madam, what happened back there, would you mind telli...

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How do you insult an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris

And we all know how that's going

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language

...it's a deaf-sentence.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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The perfect response to the age-old insult

"Ur mum's gay!"

"Which one?"

What do you call playful insults between terrorists?

Talibanter

Did you know that a single comma can insult a head of state?

Trash is Putin, the garbage bin.

I bet I could insult your mom using math...

Actually never mind its way too mean.

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