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Mayhem Jokes

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

Have you heard the story of Mayhem's vocalist?

Apparently he's dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ”

First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it.


The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”

A new law in Korea stating all dogs must be chipped is causing mayhem.

Most people prefer them mashed.

It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.

"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.

At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mayhem at the Monastery

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the he...

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Walmart.

An elderly man gets a job as a Greeter at Walmart, a very overweight woman comes in with two obnoxious kids, they are shouting and screaming, throwing things about, running around the store causing mayhem, the Greeter, walks over to the woman, encountering a strong smell of Body odour and cheap perf...

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

There is a Spanish family on holiday in England

When they are in England, the trains are packed and everyone is drunk and half naked. Everywhere is mayhem and the little Spanish boy is confused why. "Dad, why is everyone celebrating, is there an event or something happening?" The dad replies, "The sun has come out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving through Hartford, CT

he sees a bunch of orange traffic cones toppled over and strewn all over the road. It's not an isolated incident either. Everywhere in the city traffic cones are in utter disarray, like the construction crews just didn't give a shit and threw them anywhere, causing mayhem with the traffic

At ...

When Thatcher ruled it was Thatcherism!

Does that mean we now have Mayhem?

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.

It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they wo...

Horsie Ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?" Daddy ...

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

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