What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

Hay-fever got arrested today

Got charged with an antihistaminor

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If men who like Asians have Yellow Fever what do men who like gigantic breasts have?

Boobonic Plague

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

My sister has hay fever.

She was also recently diagnosed with diabetes. I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

Fever pitch

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ...

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Football Fever

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Sweden game on Saturday. He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave.

They should always be Luke warm.

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

Because they are always being cooped up.

What happens when a communist gets a fever?

He becomes rather *sickle*y

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Tom Jones fever

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives.
"Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?"
Mike replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is ...

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

What do you get if you get stung by a group of stingrays?

A fever

What's a sharks least favourite name?

Ned
___

So I have my Alexa set up to tell me joke when I say goodnight, last night it told me that joke...and I can't work it out?! I have searched for it online, and other people have searched for it but no one has seemed to find out what it means.

Am I being stupid and missing som...

How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?

He knows a lot about black holes

What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito?

Deeeeeeeeeeengue

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

So my cousin has bieber fever...

Or as it's medically known, Down Syndrome.

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

TEBOW FEVER!!

I haven't seen this many people following a white bronco since OJ!!!!! Ba-ha-ha!!

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Liam's mom is trying to wake him up in the morning. As usual..

As usual, Liam says "just ten more minutes mom!"
Mom is used to this and lets him sleep 5 more minutes.
After 5 minutes, Liam as expected says, "just... just.. 5 more minutes.. Please..."
After this happens 2-3 more times, mom has had it.


Mom : get up you little shit or I will ...

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An old Soviet Russian joke pt.2

A Sunday morning at the zoo. Zoo director and his assistant are doing their everyday routine of checking animals and their habitats. Suddenly, director stops next to the cage with a strange, unpleasant smell.

"Why does that tiger in this cage look so ill and miserable?", asks director.
...

Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

A guy sits next to a blind man in a bar.

"have you always been blind" he asked.
"oh no, i had a really bad fever one day. It was so bad that you could cook eggs on my forehead."
"So the fever made you go blind?"
"no the eggs went into my eyes."

What is something cannibals would consider as a hot potato?

A guy with a fever.

Sick sportsman

You are having extreme fever, it’s 39,9oC, - says a doctor to a patient, a sportsman.

The sportsman asks painfully: Doc, what’s the world record for it?

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... t...

One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very ill and goes to the hospital.

He spends the entire day practising despite his fever and all his constant sneezing and sniffling. The next day, he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars.

He asks a police officer, "What happened?"

The officer replies, "Your conductor came by your house to talk to you ...

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Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash ...

... and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep un...

A lady goes to a doctor...

"Doc, I have high fever. Can you give some medications?"

"Just walk in the rain, eat some ice-cream, drink cold-water..."

"What! Will my fever go away then?"

"No, you'll catch Pneumonia. I have the medication for it."

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All the organs have a debate about who should be in charge...

The brain said: *I should be in charge, I control all the parts and think for everyone!*

The legs said: *I should be in charge. I carry everyone around and get them to where they want to go.*

All the other organs continued with similar claims as to why they should be in charge. The hea...

I got home from school yesterday...

And my mom had made some spaghetti for an early dinner. The only problem was that it tasted really bad. I didn't think I would be able to eat it, but I know she's sensitive about her cooking, so I pushed through and finished my plate.

Everything was good until I woke up this morning and sta...

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

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Derrick goes to Asian night at the club.....

Derrick (a white american) learned that his Chinese friend has an american name (Joey) and a Chinese name (Yao). He has the yellow fever so he tests his luck at the local bar for Asian night. He musters the courage to talk to one of the girls at the bar.






"Hey what's your C...

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A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor asks him what's wrong.

"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."

The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop masturbating immediate...

How to Kill an Eel

"Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnn...

His palms are sweaty...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.

WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*

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An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance...

And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off.

See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. ...

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Doctor's Medicine

A young lady visits a doctor and complains, "*Doctor, I think I am suffering with a fever*".

To which the doctor exclaims, "*All right. Let's check your temperature. Could you turn over and remove your panties? I am going to use a rectal thermometer to get an accurate reading*".

As soo...

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Captain's log

31.08.1883
We sailed to the West,we hope to find a new continent.Crew is in good mood, food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbor are with us and they are very happy.

31.10.1883
Compass died, we are navigating using the stars and the suns (when it's not cloudy,fu*king clouds)
Crew is...

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There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

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