Fever Jokes - 78 Hilarious Fever Jokes

Fever pitch

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ...

There was a hen that had fever

she laid boiled eggs

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Tom Jones fever

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives.
"Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?"
Mike replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is ...

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

A four year kid is being rushed to the hospital with coughing,high fever, vomiting and a searing headache.

The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. First,he needs to know what's the worst. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?"
He replies: "I'd have to say my little sister".

Why are people with fevers so grumpy?

Because they're hot-headed

Having a fever made me even hotter

And for the cherry on top I gained a couple degrees

My mother in law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....

I always try to cheer her up with chocolate and flowers.

A school and a fever, both old friends, walk separately into a bar.

The school notices the fever. He says,

"Hay fever." The school says,

"High school."

"I don't want to go to the hospital! I don't cough, I don't have fever..."

"You have to go. You work there!"

My sister has hay fever.

She was also recently diagnosed with diabetes. I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.

There are reports that Trump is now running a fever.

Don't worry - if he's running it, the fever will just declare bankruptcy soon.

TEBOW FEVER!!

I haven't seen this many people following a white bronco since OJ!!!!! Ba-ha-ha!!

The 1960s started with beetle mania The 2020s have started with bat fever...

Well I’m hoping Covid-19 is just a one-hit wonder, you know, like “Come on Eileen” or John Lennon’s first wife

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU

'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

You are lying in the hospital thinking that you have got a small fever.

Then the full crew of Avengers comes to visit you.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito?

Deeeeeeeeeeengue

Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 °F fever.

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If men who like Asians have Yellow Fever what do men who like gigantic breasts have?

Boobonic Plague

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?

He knows a lot about black holes

So my cousin has bieber fever...

Or as it's medically known, Down Syndrome.

Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave.

They should always be Luke warm.

A doctor examines a patient who just came into the emergency room…

There’s nothing wrong with the man except for scribbles on his feet and a fever. The doctor prescribes paracetamol for the fever, but calls his professor about the rest. “I don’t know what to tell the man.” says the doctor. His professor asks, “Did you read the footnotes?”

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John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

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Once I got so sunburned

Once I got so sunburned I went to the ER and they gave me aspirin and Viagra. The aspirin to reduce my fever and the Viagra to help keep the sheets off my legs.

At school the teacher tells the students:

- Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one".

One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one".

Another child presents his essay...

The doctor walked out of the hospital room and went to the nurse station.

"Can you tell me why the two patients in room 231 are in the same bed?", he asked.

"Certainly! One has a fever and the other has frostbite and I thought they might cancel each other out." the nurse replied.

A guy sits next to a blind man in a bar.

"have you always been blind" he asked.
"oh no, i had a really bad fever one day. It was so bad that you could cook eggs on my forehead."
"So the fever made you go blind?"
"no the eggs went into my eyes."

Stop telling me to wear a mask!

It's stressing me out so much that I can barely breathe and I'm getting a fever.

Why was Panic! At the disco so worried about carona virus?

They know its a fever you cant sweat out

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Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community?

It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

The band members of Foreigner have been in quarantine since this pandemic started

They have fevers of 103F

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Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

What is something cannibals would consider as a hot potato?

A guy with a fever.

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An old Soviet Russian joke pt.2

A Sunday morning at the zoo. Zoo director and his assistant are doing their everyday routine of checking animals and their habitats. Suddenly, director stops next to the cage with a strange, unpleasant smell.

"Why does that tiger in this cage look so ill and miserable?", asks director.
...

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... t...

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

I'm wary of the the Scottish at the moment

I heard the main symptoms of COVID-19 are fever, cough, and shortness of bread.

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

What's a sharks least favourite name?

Ned
___

So I have my Alexa set up to tell me joke when I say goodnight, last night it told me that joke...and I can't work it out?! I have searched for it online, and other people have searched for it but no one has seemed to find out what it means.

Am I being stupid and missing som...

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

What do you get if you get stung by a group of stingrays?

A fever

Why did the Fonz have red eyes?

Because he had **AYYY** fever!

Sick sportsman

You are having extreme fever, it’s 39,9oC, - says a doctor to a patient, a sportsman.

The sportsman asks painfully: Doc, what’s the world record for it?

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

His palms are sweaty...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.

WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

I know how to nip March Madness in the bud.

Just look for signs of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Norm Macdonald

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A moth walks into a podiatriats office

The podiatrist says, "What seems to be the problem today?"

Moth says, "What seems to be the problem? Where do I begin?!

"I slave away all day at a job I hate and barely bring home enough to pay the bills. I'm going to have to get a second job just to keep the lights on. I don't even kn...

A man went to a doctor

because he was not feeling well.The doctor said that it was a fever nothing else to worry about and gave him medicine.

The next day, the man went to an office tour but work was completed early so he went home without telling his wife to surprise her.

He brought chocolates and flowers w...

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There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...

the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

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Liam's mom is trying to wake him up in the morning. As usual..

As usual, Liam says "just ten more minutes mom!"
Mom is used to this and lets him sleep 5 more minutes.
After 5 minutes, Liam as expected says, "just... just.. 5 more minutes.. Please..."
After this happens 2-3 more times, mom has had it.

Mom : get up you little shit or I will ...

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very ill and goes to the hospital.

He spends the entire day practising despite his fever and all his constant sneezing and sniffling. The next day, he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars.

He asks a police officer, "What happened?"

The officer replies, "Your conductor came by your house to talk to you ...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.

After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans

Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

I got home from school yesterday...

And my mom had made some spaghetti for an early dinner. The only problem was that it tasted really bad. I didn't think I would be able to eat it, but I know she's sensitive about her cooking, so I pushed through and finished my plate.

Everything was good until I woke up this morning and sta...

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Captain's log

31.08.1883
We sailed to the West,we hope to find a new continent.Crew is in good mood, food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbor are with us and they are very happy.

31.10.1883
Compass died, we are navigating using the stars and the suns (when it's not cloudy,fu*king clouds)
Crew is...

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Derrick goes to Asian night at the club.....

Derrick (a white american) learned that his Chinese friend has an american name (Joey) and a Chinese name (Yao). He has the yellow fever so he tests his luck at the local bar for Asian night. He musters the courage to talk to one of the girls at the bar.

"Hey what's your C...

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Doctor's Medicine

A young lady visits a doctor and complains, "*Doctor, I think I am suffering with a fever*".

To which the doctor exclaims, "*All right. Let's check your temperature. Could you turn over and remove your panties? I am going to use a rectal thermometer to get an accurate reading*".

As soo...

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All the organs have a debate about who should be in charge...

The brain said: *I should be in charge, I control all the parts and think for everyone!*

The legs said: *I should be in charge. I carry everyone around and get them to where they want to go.*

All the other organs continued with similar claims as to why they should be in charge. The hea...

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A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

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Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash ...

... and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep un...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Death of an Eel

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to J...

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