Total chaos would ensue.

What would happen if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the closet?

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is spending the afternoon at the zoo...

and they get to the gorilla exhibit. The lonely gorilla stares at the very hot wife and squeezes its breast.

- Look honey, I guess the gorilla wants a flash.
- But here? Well, there's no one around so I guess I can try...

She lifts her shirt, showing the gorilla a perfect set of boo...

poor teacher

A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.

The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"

Everyone went back to their seats except for one.

"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,

"No, but i didnt want you to be...

There are 50 states of chaos...

Also known as the USA

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos,

then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret

Or United States of America.

A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"

...I Kant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

I've been married three times. The second marrige was very turbulent and ended in total chaos.

It was a bad case of mid-wife crisis.

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.

The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"

The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may t...

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

Did you hear about the chaos at a Networking manufacturer?

It was Panic at the Cisco.

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

I'm proud to be a Asian descent, with my family name Chao. When we have family gatherings…

It's completely Chaos!

What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket?

Udder chaos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was there so much chaos at the sperm bank?

Because it was first cum first serve.

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo?

It was otter chaos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

Engineer professors on a plane...

A plane full of engineering professors were planned to go to a convention. As the professors are placed in their seats, the captain speaks in the loud speakers. "Hello everyone, and welcome to our flight. Before take-off I just want you all to know, this airplane has been built by all of your very ...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke; "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

In the beginning there was only Chaos.

Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

Two financial advisors are in a bank when armed robbers burst in...

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other proceeds to take the wallets, cell phones, watches, and other valuables from the customers.

In the midst of the chaos, the first advisor jams something into his friend’s hand. Without looking down, the second advisor says, "...

The US recently got its 51st state!!

The state of chaos

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer...

were debating whose profession is the oldest. The doctor said, “In the book of Genesis, God took a rib out of Adam’s side. So obviously God was a surgeon.”

The engineer said, “Yes, but long before that, He created the world out of chaos. So God was an engineer.”

And the lawyer said, “Y...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

I just opened up a big can of worms.

They just sit there....the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s advertised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned ...

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.

Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smarte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Circus in a third world country suburb can be a mess

So the lion tamer was doing his thing when suddenly the lion flips and starts attacking

People freak out, chaos ensues.. the two-week hungry lion runs around the arena. People run for their lives.

A disabled guy gets up on a pole in order to save his life, thinking it might be a good p...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down...

Three soldiers are captured when their plane goes down behind enemy lines. They are taken to the enemy's headquarters and informed that the POW camp is full so they will be executed immediately, by firing squad. They are taken out to an open space and sat down. Then, one by one, they are to be lined...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julia was organizing a cat show

and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted it to be made of the finest white marble base with the persian cat made enti...

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."

The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an arch...

A marine hits the beach on D-Day

A young marine hits the beach on D-Day, June 6, 1944. In the chaos of storming the beach he drops his rifle. Panicing, he runs to his Sergent and tells him what happened. The Sergent hands him a peice of driftwood and says "Now anytime you see a Kraut, just point this stick a him and should 'bangity...

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

Victory against Heresy

Lord Commander Guilliman was addressing his Ultramarines, and declared that the victory against chaos is already on the horizon.

One ultramarine who comes from a hive world has never seen a horizon, so he asked his captain what that means. His captain replied, "Horizon is the line that you c...

My mate from up North owns a pub.

He was telling me other night that he’s been having trouble with a famous Spanish actor who keeps coming into his pub and causing chaos.

“Javier Bardem?” I asked

“I’ve tried," he replied, “but he just keeps comin’ back.”

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

The Old Couple and the Tornado

Not sure if this one's been posted or not, but here goes.

An old couple were driving down a street in their neighborhood during a freak storm. Suddenly a tornado crosses the road and lifts their car. They're thrown about for several seconds before landing upside down in someone's yard. They'r...

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two homeless men were walking in the desert...

...when suddenly a gust of wind reveals a shiny object in the distance. Both of them rushed to said item and as they saw it was a lamp. A genie appears out of the lamp as they were trying to clean the lamp.

"Thank you for releasing me. I shall give 3 wishes to each one of you." The men stared...

One Wish

A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.

"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I c...

A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.

The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"

The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"

Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk is sitting in the corner of a bar on the 10th floor,

Drinking happily when he notices this odd fellow walk up to the bar. He says something to the barkeep and is then served a shot. He downs the shot, slams the glass on the bar, walks over to the window, opens it up, and jumps out.
The drunk sitting in the corner shakes his head and continues to ...

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

---

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man his putting his daughter to bed one night

Before she goes to sleep, she begins to say her prayers. She starts and says "Goodnight Mum, goodnight dad, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma." The man is startled for a second and asks his daughter, "Why did you say goodbye to grandma but goodnight to the rest of us?" She then shrugs and replies "...

When the pastor said,"speak now or forever hold your peace."

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.'
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is listening to the radio hears a news report. A man is driving down the freeway the wrong way...

...causing chaos for drivers. She anxiously rings her husband. "Honey are you on the freeway??" He replies angrily "yes!!! Why??!!"
"Be careful," she says "there's some moron driving the wrong way down the freeway!!".
Her husband replies angrily, "one moron??!! There's fucking hundreds of them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A White Man, A Black Man and A Jewish Man...

...were out joyriding in a car they had stolen. They ran a red light and got slammed into by a semi. All three died. They found themselves standing before Satan, scared shitless. The Devil says, "Fellas, it's my birthday and I'm feeling generous so I'll offer you a deal. Each of you give me $10...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute, an engineer, a mathematician, and a politician discuss whose profession is the oldest.

The Prostitute states that it is widely known her profession is the oldest. Engineer then said that before anything someone had to create the Universe, and that was an act of engineering. Mathematician said, that before creating the Universe, the logic and math had to be invented. Without that ther...

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer were discussing whose was the oldest profession.

Surgeon: Well, it’s obvious. It was surgery when a ribectomy was performed on Adam to create Eve.

Architect: Come now. First the heaven and earth had to be created, and that couldn’t happen until plans were drawn up.

Lawyer: But what was there before the heaven and earth and the light?...

The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.

One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up...

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extremely handsome man was into a bar

An extremely handsome man was into a bar, wearing a 10000 dollar suit, and women clinging to each arm. Everyone turned heads as he approached the bartender. He takes a fat wad of cash from his pocket and throws it on the table. "Drinks on me!". He exclaimed and everyone cheered. Everyone flocked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accidental time traveler falls in a wormhole

He emerges into a building in chaos, people running and screaming. Bodies crashing to the pavement outside

"OH FUCK!" He screams. It must be September 11 2001!!

A man screams in return "No you fool! It's October 24th,1929!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was working very hard in his lab one day...

and after countless hours of working, he had finally invented what he thought was the revolution of the century; the time machine.

Being so tired from his work, he decided to take a break and watch some of the latest news. He flipped through a few channels to find the news channel. The repo...

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

100 sailors are on a naval vessel, with 1 nun...

They are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain gets on the PA and announces "We've been hit, abandon ship...I repeat abandon ship!" They all get off boat and and take the emergency boats to the closest land. They go back and forth to the boat for survival items, as quickly as the could...

There were three unruly kids in detention

Their names were Zip, Willie and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. Willie went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.

The teacher shortly came back, saw th...

The carnival is in town so Bruce invites Garry to spend a romantic warm summer evening with him wandering around the attractions.

Bruce wins a Cupie doll and gives it to Garry. They eat corndogs and cotton candy and both of them are thinking this is the best night of my life.
Then they come across the giant ferris wheel and Garry says “lets go on that big wheel it’s my all time favourite ride in the world.”
Bruce says “...

The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God creat...

When The Pope talks about politicians working together

Representatives of different professions in a Christian country were debating which profession is the oldest. The medical doctor said:
‘What was the first thing that God did with humans? He performed an operation – he made Eve with Adam’s rib. The medical profession is the oldest.’
‘No, that ...

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer joke

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It’s in the Bible. God removed Adam’s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors. Without so much...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.