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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

Which state of misery can be the worst to live in?

Missouri

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Divorced after 45 years.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't ...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

After being shorted by hedge funds, Gamestop, AMC, Blackberry and Nokia are watching those funds cry about their losses

I guess you could say those... companies love misery

I wanted to buy a Stephen King book the other day, but I had to buy a second one to go with it

Misery loves company.

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

The farmer, the hired hand, and the pig

A farmer hired a mentally challenged youth to perform tasks around the farm. The young man excelled at the tasks he was given and soon earned the farmer's trust.

One day the farmer told him to take the truck and go to town and buy some feed for the animals. He told him that If he had any prob...

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

A man is giving his deposition...

The lawyer says, "Sir, when you got into a car accident, and the sheriff walked up to you, you had said that you never felt better in your life. Why is that?" So the man explains himself. "When I crashed my car, my horse that was in my trailer was in quite a bad condition, and the sheriff recognized...

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Me: If you get to know one of your friends harasses women when he sees them alone, does drugs, throws stones at stray animals and laughs at their misery, gets into fights for no reason, abuses his girlfriend and bunks classes, would you still talk to h...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

An inspector visits a school in England one day....

One day, an inspector visited a school and asked the teachers how things were going.

He entered a class where an English lesson was in session.

"Very well, looks good", the inspector said. "Teaching's of a high standard, classroom looks good, things seem to be going well."

He th...

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Freudian Slip

A man walks up to the bar to order a pint. The barmaid comes to serve him. She is well endowed in a low cut top. He finds them distracting.
He says to the barmaid "Can I have a pint of breasts please?
Realising what he has said he apologizes and asks for a pint of Guinness. The barmaid passe...

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The assface man

There was this guy whose face looked exactly like a nice round butt and everyone constantly made fun of him, so one day he decided to put an end to his misery and kill himself. He saw an open shaft and decided to jump in it, but before that he leaned into it to check shaft's depth. A loud voice from...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

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A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.

The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".

The man does ...

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A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".

And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you oug...

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There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.

Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He c...

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Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.

Atlantic: What's up Pacific?

Pacific: I'm not doing too well.

Atlantic: What's the problem.

Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only s...

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

Man walks by the cemetery...

A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"

The sight of this fellow in such misery re...

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My wife's favorite joke

It took me months to gather courage to post this here, but, it's finally time. It's a terrible joke, so please be gentle.

A drunk man climbs a street light, and starts yelling that he will commit suicide.

A woman who was passing by, sees the scene, and start trying to convince the man ...

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Magic bunny!

A young texan cowboy is riding along his property when he spots an injured rabbit struggling to free itself from some wire mesh it's stuck in. He's about to put the furball out of its misery when the rabbit says:

"Wait!! I'm a magic bunny! If you free me and let me go, I'll grant you one wish...

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

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[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.

St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"

After a few months Satan calls God:

Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as possible."

God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in H...

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

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The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.

Eva was not conten...

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The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

An Inspector goes to a Processing Plant

So an inspector goes to a processing plant. He walks up to the manager and says: ‘I hear you keep your animals in horrible conditions. I’m here to write a report.’

The manager gives a cold smile and says: ‘Where would you like to start?’

‘Let’s start with your pigs,’ says the insp...

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car crash and goes to heaven.

The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answer...

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Jim's wife recently left him so he goes to the bar to drowned out his sorrows.

He looks down the end of the bar and sees a woman crying. He thinks to himself "Misery deserves company." and goes over to talk. The woman doesn't want to get into her problems right away so Jim decides to talk about his own. "My wife left me after 20 years because she couldn't handle the kinky sex....

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Looking for a great thread that was on here a few months ago. Any help appreciated

It was along the lines of "Serbian Jokes" or "Old Russian Jokes" or something similar.

All the punchlines were just misery piled upon misery. It was brilliant.

Search function has been as unhelpful as it can. Either that or I'm shit at searching . Or both.

A man hits a pig driving his car...

A man's driving though the country side way faster than he should be when suddenly he hits something, so he slams on his brakes. He gets out, and hears a horrible screeching squeal coming from under his car. He calls 911...
"Hi, I've hit a pig and its under my car, wriggling and squealing in pain...

Map jokes

How do you get around in Italy? You Rome.
Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok.
I Congo to Africa, Kenya?
Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia
What's the unhappiest state? Misery
Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones.
Why are the so many Subw...

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A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked...

A woman settles down on the veranda of a restraunt to eat some lunch and enjoy the sunshine with...

Her dog. She scoops the little old dog out of her purse and holds him in her lap while she reads the menu. A man, a few seats away sitting at a table littered with empty beer bottles, turns around, looks and the woman and her dog and scoffs, "THAT is the ugliest thing I have ever seen." The woman fl...

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