"Let us gradually stand and recognize our newest member of Overeaters Anonymous...

...and welcome him into the folds."

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess...

...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

There was a tribe that made new thrones for each chief, while burning the previous throne.

One day, a man thought, "Hey, let's just store these thrones in memorium of our previous chiefs!"

So the man started storing each of the thrones in his grass hut. Over the years, the number of thrones rose. For each year there was a new chief, the previous throne was stored in his grass hut.<...

Another Soviet joke

Nixon is visiting Brezhnev. Brezhnev shows off the newest Soviet technology: a payphone that can call hell. So Nixon puts in a quarter and calls hell, talks to the devil Then he returns to the US and is told that the US als has this technology but it costs $1000 per phone call. He gets angry and as...

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

I heard Biden's newest cabinet member is a racehorse.

He's gonna be the new Secretariat of State.

Recruit at the KGB

The KGB had found their newest recruit, but before he could join, he had to go through three tests. First, he had to down an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting, then shake hands with a bear, then seduce and sleep with a lady. The recruit easily downs the vodka in a matter of seconds, then is put ...

My friend: the newest edition of the Anger Management Dictionary still doesnt have the word "patience!"

Me: Just wait.

My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet?

“Hi, jean!”

The newest sci-fi movie on Netflix is about a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life.

Alien versus Redditor.

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

When I grow up and have kids in a couple of decades. I won't be worried when the day comes they ask for for the newest released M rated game. I'm confident I won't even need to play its unsuitable.

I mean I've played GTA 5 before.

My newest girlfriend broke up with me after we lost a one legged race fundraiser.

She says we got off on the wrong foot.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Babies

The best part about babies is you can just preorder the newest model.

Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say

[removed]

“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?”

“ I don’t know, but Alaska.”

My friend told me that he stored his newest selfie on OneDrive.

I told him to get his head out of the Cloud.

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names?

The Saurus

Why did Sweden start putting barcodes on their newest fleet of battleships?

So they could Scandinavian

The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe...

...It makes you limp.

What do you call Roger Stone's newest tattoo?

A Trump stamp.

Have you heard of the newest trend? Corduroy pillows.

They're making headlines

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine

Chinese Takeout

Have you heard about the newest broom prototype?

It’s sweeping the nation!

The newest big disruption

Comedians are getting more and more competition from Politicians

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

Have you tried Gatorade's newest sports drink, F5?

It's very refreshing

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iNuts, Apple's newest gadget

Apple announced today
that it has developed
a computer chip that can store
and play high fidelity music
in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between
$499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because wome...

Bethesda released a working title of their newest installment in flagship series-

Fallout: Roseanne.

Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.

Covering the newest trump scandle in class

Teacher: there are some things that guys compare in the locker room

Me: like hand size

Did you guys hear the newest song from the band Stewed Fruit?

It's my jam.

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

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Newest tampon slogan

Did you hear the latest slogan for tampons?
"We're not #1 , but we're right up there "

Regarding the newest marijuana studies...

Dear Pilots,

Please don't fly high.

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Was shopping for a toilet. Sales guy showed me the newest model they had in store.

It uploads all my shit to Facebook.

"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"

"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"

Did you hear about Fallout Boy's newest headwear?

Yeah, now their selling Uma Turbans

Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?

Because interest in the Bond is so low.

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" ...

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

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Russian mafioso visits Italian mafioso

They talk about their lifestyles and Italian asks "Hey, do you have newest model of Mercedes?" No, I don't." Admits Russian. "Well, how can you call yourself mafioso if you don't. Russian fumes but doesn't say anything. "And does your house have three storeys?" "No, it does not." "Well, how can you ...

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

Three old admirals

After a tour of the nation's newest carriers and submarine,the three admirals got together to make small talk where it got to the topic of their wives.

"I'm a three star admiral and when we get rubbing together, it takes me up to half mast and need to play 'anchors aweigh' to get full. So i...

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

A guy in an old, cheap car

Stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man. The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better". The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?" The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie" the guy with the Mercedes sarcastically...

An employee's boss pulls intonthe parking lot with a new Porsche

The employee marvels. "That's a nice car! That the newest model?"

The boss said "Sure is. And she's got EVERYTHING."

"That sure is something," the employee comments.

"Well hey, you know..." begins the boss. "If you work hard, never miss a day, and put your all into it? Next...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with...

The CEO of Apple, Huawei and Nokia are all sitting together in a hot tub...

... bragging about their newest groundbreaking technology.

The CEO of Apple starts explaining how his company invented a tiny speaker and a tiny mic which would be surgically attached to your thumb and pinky finger - so you could receive a phone call, only by putting your hand to your ear. ...

People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

One day, Keanu Reeves is leaving his house...

On his way out, his home is surrounded by paparazzi. Looking into the crowds, he sees 20 people or so, and standing in between all of them, is a rather large machine. He hides his face and quickly rushes to his car.

Keanu, knowing how to elude the paparazzi where possible, drives a rather ro...

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Three generals are having a day off at the beach

The American General begins to boast: "Our submarines are the best in the world! The newest 2016 model can stay weeks under water without having to surface!"

The Russian general is unimpressed and says: "Russian U-boat is best. Months we stay under water and no need to go up!"

The Ger...

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A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
...

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A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to...

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

An old woman is

Riding in an elevator in a very lavish building in New York City. The elevator stops, and the doors open. A young and beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets on. The young woman haughtily sneers at the old woman and says, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren. 150 dollars an ounce!”

The old w...

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Pedro is sitting in a sauna with two other men...

...when suddenly, a jingle goes off.

One of the guys make a telephone symbol with his hand, brings his hand up to his ear, then begins a conversation directly into it.

When he's finished, Pedro says, "whoa man, what was that?!"

"Ah, that's the newest technology," replied the m...

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

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Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

A commander inspects his privates for the general's visit tomorrow.

A commander is inspecting the newest troops for the general's visit the next day. He says to the men: "Tomorrow is a big day, you will be asked some questions and these will reflect our competence. Questions like for example..." He walks up to Private Jones and yells at him: "How old are you recruit...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

A magician performs on a cruise

A magician is performing on a cruise when one of the rich clients comes in with her pet parrot. He disappears one of the assistants from the stage and the parrot inmediately explains how it was done. Infuriated, he asks the woman to leave the premises.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry". She says. "My ...

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't...

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:

'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I hav...

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A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has...

My boss bought an new car...

My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

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Mixed up presents

So this guy wants to make a nice gift for the girl he's recently started dating. He decides for a nice pair of gloves. Nice and romantic but not too personal. To pick a nice pair, he went to the store, accompanied by his sister. At the department store, the sister also bought a pair of undies for he...

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