This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

I went to the gym and a staff member said he was going to call the police on me if tried to enter.

You can’t bring those guns in here he said.

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went round killing gingers.

Why did the PETA member crash his car?

He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one.

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

I bet you can't name an entierly useless member of soceity.

My parents did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Peter Tork of the Monkees has died, leaving just 2 surviving members.

Still copying the fucking Beatles.

It's not a good idea to use Roman numerals when talking to family members

I got grounded for a month for saying "wow, you're 40 now?" to my aunt.

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

What is a KKK member’s favorite cheese?

White American

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress

But I repeat myself.

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society

They really are people to look up to.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked pirate with a wheel around his member walks into a bar

The bartender asks him, “Hey, you know you have a wheel around your penis?”.

The pirate responds, “Ar, I do. It’s driven me nuts!”.

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an NRA member with a boner

A hard conservative

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission

Harry: Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission, and are looking for a second person, would you like to join us?

Hermione: Uhh... Do you mean a third person?

Harry: Ron is 3rd person, I is first person, you is second person

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

My life has no meaning, the only thing that brings me joy is listening to my favorite member of One Direction.

I guess you could call me a nihilist

What do thrifty Illuminati members like to put their pickled vegetables in?

Free Mason jars. :D

​

\[\[ Stupidest joke I ever came up with, today at work in the Dish Pit. \]\]

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9...

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him a happy birthday.....

....So as he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

​

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

​

In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

Erectile Disfunction Club losing members

Even thought it is not hard to get in the club, the club size has been decreasing steadily over the years.

A preacher visits an elderly congregation member

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. 
"No, not at all!" the woman replied. 
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that in...

The Flat Earth Society has members all across the globe.

And anti-vaxxers are full-grown adults.
Thank God, I'm an atheist.

What do you about family members with sticky fingers?

You wash your hands of them.

How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's the other guy's job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a member of r/jokes and an elevator on the top floor?

They let everyone down.

What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...

I'M GONNA TO BE RICH !!!

​

(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

Which time of day is the best to be sad about a dead family member?

In the mourning

Why Klu Klux Klan members are loved in the wizarding world?

Because everybody hates black magic practitioners.

(Yep I saw the joke and modified it for a darker turn.)

Are you a member of the One Word Sentence Association?

I’m.

What do you call a band where all the members are minorities?

Hispanic at the disco

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two new members of a hunting lodge were talking to an older member.

They asked him if he had any crazy hunting stories. He said, “Come to think of it, one time I was on safari in Africa when a big lion jumped out at me and went ‘Arrrghhh’ well I just shit my pants.”

The two new members were amazed. One of them said, “wow, I’d shit my pants too if a big lion j...

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**s...

Apparently some naked photos of Donald Trump have been leaked by a Whitehouse staff member...

...he claims it’s all just fake nudes.

What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, th...

Did you know that members of the KKK thought that being touched by a person of color would cause cysts?

They were called race cysts.

I’v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what ‘s going on

Offensive jokes on r/jokes are like teenage ISIS members.

They blow up quick, and they never get old.

Why was a member kicked from the metal band?

He would always steel everyone’s equipment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of people were forced to enumerate numbers, but one of them didn't participate. "Why doesn't he have to do this?" asked one of the members.

"Well he doesn't count."

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

The story of a U.S Army member named Will

His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled “FIRE AT WILL!”

*edit just thought of this, could be much better but I’m not that good at putting jokes together.

What do you call it when someone bullies an over weight ISIS member?

Cali-fat shaming.

I asked a fraternity member for an pamphlet about his chapter.

He said, "Bro, sure."

I don't know what's more repugnant--the fact that I've been sleeping with members of my staff...

...or the fact that I'm self employed.

Who's the smartest member of the Army?

General Knowledge

How did the KKK member guess the name of his daughter's new black boyfriend?

They played hangman.

What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse?

Abba trois...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

What do ISIS members like to play in their spare time?

Bomberman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

I'm a member of the American Medical Association...

...AMA.

I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...

They said "As long as you nail it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color

He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?”

To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum”

“Thanks mum I think that is good.”

The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start sayi...

So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.

A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....

Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.

He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him be...

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

Who is the kinkiest member of the mafia?

The one who sleeps with the fishes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do members of the Fruit Fuckers Association always stick together?

They always cum in pears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe is a fairly respected member of the community

He has always follow the rules and did the right thing. Wanting to expand his horizons he decided to experience a little bit of the seedier aspects of life. He had settled on finding himself a prostitute. As he was walking down a dimmly lit street, a hushed voiced whispered to him, "twenty bucks a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Two members of Welsh rock band The Automatic have quit.

The remaining two now call themselves The Semi-automatic.

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

When it comes to my favorite members of the religious community

Priests are second to nun.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

There was a russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB

One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."...

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are 2 types of r/Jokes members

ones who steal jokes, and dirty fucking liars

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

What's a KKK member's favorite car?

A black must-hang