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Member Jokes

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

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Six SCOTUS members walk into a bar

And the bartender says, “Get the fuck out of here.”

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

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What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

Why do the vowels refuse to acknowledge their sixth member?

They don't know why

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How does a member of the U.S. military show their gratitude to the prostitute they just visited?

Thank you for your cervix.

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I've had sex with members of my family...

...my wife and my ex-wife.

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

The British Museum has allegedly dismissed a member of staff over "stolen" items

Which is ironic..

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't change anything.

My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …

When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

What's it called when a female member of a religious community keeps claiming that she can see things others can't?

Habitual nunsense

What do you call a spouse’s family member with a restraining order?

An outlawed in-law.

When I die, I want my group project members to lower my casket into the ground.

That way they can let me down one last time.

My home stereo system recently got elected as a member of the house of representatives

They're now the speaker of the house

Say you're a r/Jokes member without saying you're a r/Jokes member

Ctrl + C

Ctrl + V

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How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!

What does a Trump staff member call you?

I don't know. But, but they have to call you collect. Like all the other inmates.

How many r/Jokes members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. Even though It's already changed hundreds of times before.

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An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

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A member of Stalin's cabinet overhears a conversation in which Marshal Zhukov calls the Great Leader a "mustachioed asshat".

The cabinet member wastes no time in telling Stalin of this heresy. Stalin approaches Zhukov and says, "Now, who is a mustachioed asshat?"


Zhukov raises his eyebrows, "When I said that, I was thinking of Fuhrer Hitler, of course!"


He then turns to the cabinet member.

...

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

What is an ISIS member's favorite game?

Jenga.

Diana Ross just resigned as a Member of Parliament.

Apparently it was a Chain Reaction.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

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Why do band members take viagra before a show?

To make them rock hard for a long time!

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A nazi, a KKK member, and a Trump supporter walk into a bar...

*walks

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member...

The Sailor was just settling in when he noticed that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all women...

So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, "Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of wom...

Who is the heaviest member of the British royal family?

It's Diana, Princess of Whales.

What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip

What do you call a blind Third Reich member?

A Not-see

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

What did one NWA member say to calm down the other NWA member?

Easy, E!

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member?

Aunt Tifa.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

What did the young Taliban member say to the old Taliban member?

Ok Boomer...

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Not every member of Al Capone's family had a criminal career..

His brother Mas sold cheese .

r/Jokes now has over 20 million members

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

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This is just awful, but I laughed. From a member of my weekly volunteer teaching group in Japan: My friend called me up and asked, "Hey are you free tonight?"

I replied, "Of course, I'm an American."

Which member of the Kardashian family has had the least plastic surgery?

Caitlyn Jenner

A friend of mine is so into medieval stories that he continuously goes through all the members of King Arthur's round table.

Knight, after knight, after knight after knight.....

Some Taliban members are playing bingo, but stop when someone yells:

B-52

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

To redditors it makes sense that Boris Johnson is a Member of Parliament

Because we know the real joke is always in the Commons.

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

How does an Antifa member get to the airport?

They take a-cab

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A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on t...

What do you call a member of the Bucharest Fire Brigade?

A py-Romanian.

Well endowed navy crew member- nsfw

There once was a man who was in the navy who was very well endowed, but for some reason had a really high pitched voice. One that had the whole crew laughing and making jokes about him. So one day he went to see the doctor. The doctor said his high pitched voice was due to him having such a big memb...

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9...

"Let us gradually stand and recognize our newest member of Overeaters Anonymous...

...and welcome him into the folds."

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A band needs a new member

A guy shows up and says "fuck black people."

They look at him shocked, and he goes on to say "Asians suck too."

They're gobsmacked, and then he says "don't even get me started on Mexicans."

Finally, the lead singer says to him "the ad was for a *bassist*."

3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.

An IRA member shows up to heaven gates

St. Peter looks at him and says:
"You're a good Catholic but many people have lost friend or family member because of your action.
I'm afraid I can't get you in"

"I'm not getting in anyway. You are the ones who need to get out. You have ten minutes."

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A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

I'm a proud member of the PWGQNKX

I'm a proud member of the PWGQNKX: People Who Have No Idea How Acronyms Work.

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

Why do NRA members wear sleeveless shirts?

Because they have a right to bare arms!

Fats Domino died after falling onto another family member...

Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member...

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

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So there’s two new members of the gun club…

…they go up to one of the oldest members and ask; “could you tell us a favourite hunting story of yours?” The old man replies; “why sure! We were out in Africa hunting some good game, it was a hot day. I was sitting up next to a tree when all of a sudden a lion jumped out at me and went ROAAARRR!!! ...

My girlfriend ran off with a member of ISIS and said shes never coming back

I guess she didnt know what Jihad.

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.


He at too much Pi.


He ate approximately 3.142 slices

What is a KKK member’s favorite cheese?

White American

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion ...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Why did the PETA member crash his car?

He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one.

What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

Who's the smartest member of the Army?

General Knowledge

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

A few members of the Obsessive Compulsive support group decided to start a band

The called it OCDC

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You should never have sex with your family member.

No matter how much they incest!

I'm super-thrilled to announce that I am now a member of the DNA!

You know, the National Dyslexia Association!

What is it called when a gang member kills his best friend?

Homiecide

What do you call an ISIS member with Tourette's?

A ticking time bomb.

Why are KKK members terrible mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

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A priest and a rabbi are spending a day off together at a lake..

Since they're alone, they decide to swim naked as god intended..

Just as they leave the water, two busses pull up, parking right in front of them. Members of the priest's parish pour out of the first bus, members of the rabbi's parish pour out of the other.

In shock, with nowhere to h...

What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

Why is ISIS recruiting young members?

Because all they have right now are Boomers.

When a member of certain religious fraternities eats scrambled eggs.

It goes out of the frying pan and into the friar.

A member of the Inca Indian tribe was captured by the Spanish....

The captain told his interpreter to say this to the Inca Indian , " Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all their gold ,that we will burn his feet ".
Through the interpreter the Inca Indian replied " I would rather die than tell you where the gold is "
The captain threatened...

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

A Rabbi is rushing to see a dying member of his congregation...

...in New York City. He's circling trying to find a parking spot by the hospital as tome is ticking down. After 15 minutes of circling, he looks to the sky and says "God, please help me find a parking spot." As his eyes move from the sky back to the road, he sees a car leaving a spot right in front ...

I heard Flea is no longer a member of the RHCP

Turns out it was a basless rumour.

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A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

Flat earth society member: We have members all around the globe

Me: Say that again slowly...

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

What do you call a PETA member that shoots a hippopotamus in the head?

A hippo-crit.

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?

Homie-opathy

A staff member once said..

The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average p...

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