This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

Back in 1921, a member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

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He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice ...

How does the anti-vax movement keep attracting new members?

Viral marketing.

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vig...

Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

A Roman Pirate screamed at his crew members: "How many ships did you loot today?!"

They replied: Aye Aye Captain!!

Why did the PETA member crash his car?

He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went round killing gingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

What rock group has 4 members who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

Why do PETA members suck at multi-tasking?

They cant bring themselves to kill two birds with one stone.

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

How many UK member of parliment does it take to screw a lightbulb?

1, maybe. Or even 2. Or is it better to use 5 fingers? Or do we use 2 hands? Does the socket even fit? Do we even need a lighbulb?
We just cant agree!! Lets just screw it.
Wait what was the question again?

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

What do you call a person who discriminates against cult members?

A cultist

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

I Bet You Can't Name A Useless, Nonfunctoning Member Of Society

but my parents did

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

How do you describe an ISIS member who likes to surf?

Radical, dude.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can’t the Patriots football team members have children?

Because their balls are deflated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Peter Tork of the Monkees has died, leaving just 2 surviving members.

Still copying the fucking Beatles.

What is a KKK member’s favorite cheese?

White American

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress

But I repeat myself.

Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society

They really are people to look up to.

It's not a good idea to use Roman numerals when talking to family members

I got grounded for a month for saying "wow, you're 40 now?" to my aunt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked pirate with a wheel around his member walks into a bar

The bartender asks him, “Hey, you know you have a wheel around your penis?”.

The pirate responds, “Ar, I do. It’s driven me nuts!”.

When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an NRA member with a boner

A hard conservative

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9...

Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission

Harry: Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission, and are looking for a second person, would you like to join us?

Hermione: Uhh... Do you mean a third person?

Harry: Ron is 3rd person, I is first person, you is second person

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him a happy birthday.....

....So as he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

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He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

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In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, i...

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

What do thrifty Illuminati members like to put their pickled vegetables in?

Free Mason jars. :D

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\[\[ Stupidest joke I ever came up with, today at work in the Dish Pit. \]\]

My life has no meaning, the only thing that brings me joy is listening to my favorite member of One Direction.

I guess you could call me a nihilist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

Erectile Disfunction Club losing members

Even thought it is not hard to get in the club, the club size has been decreasing steadily over the years.

The Flat Earth Society has members all across the globe.

And anti-vaxxers are full-grown adults.
Thank God, I'm an atheist.

How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's the other guy's job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a member of r/jokes and an elevator on the top floor?

They let everyone down.

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...

I'M GONNA TO BE RICH !!!

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(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

A preacher visits an elderly congregation member

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. 
"No, not at all!" the woman replied. 
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that in...

What do you about family members with sticky fingers?

You wash your hands of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Klu Klux Klan members love doing laundry?

It's the only time they're able to separate whites from colors without getting any shit for it!

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

Which time of day is the best to be sad about a dead family member?

In the mourning

Are you a member of the One Word Sentence Association?

I’m.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I don't pay you to fuck around all day!" I told a member of staff.

"Yes you do," she replied. "You really don't understand how to be a pimp."

Why Klu Klux Klan members are loved in the wizarding world?

Because everybody hates black magic practitioners.

(Yep I saw the joke and modified it for a darker turn.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two new members of a hunting lodge were talking to an older member.

They asked him if he had any crazy hunting stories. He said, “Come to think of it, one time I was on safari in Africa when a big lion jumped out at me and went ‘Arrrghhh’ well I just shit my pants.”

The two new members were amazed. One of them said, “wow, I’d shit my pants too if a big lion j...

What do you call a band where all the members are minorities?

Hispanic at the disco

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**s...

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, th...

What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

Apparently some naked photos of Donald Trump have been leaked by a Whitehouse staff member...

...he claims it’s all just fake nudes.

I’v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what ‘s going on

Did you know that members of the KKK thought that being touched by a person of color would cause cysts?

They were called race cysts.

What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

I once met a member of the Catholic faith who could only face North, East, South and West...

His name was Cardinal Directions

Offensive jokes on r/jokes are like teenage ISIS members.

They blow up quick, and they never get old.

What do ISIS members like to play in their spare time?

Bomberman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of people were forced to enumerate numbers, but one of them didn't participate. "Why doesn't he have to do this?" asked one of the members.

"Well he doesn't count."

The story of a U.S Army member named Will

His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled “FIRE AT WILL!”

*edit just thought of this, could be much better but I’m not that good at putting jokes together.

What do you call it when someone bullies an over weight ISIS member?

Cali-fat shaming.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

I asked a fraternity member for an pamphlet about his chapter.

He said, "Bro, sure."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

Who's the smartest member of the Army?

General Knowledge

So two Mexican cartel members are walking in the desert trying to get into the USA while avoiding the Marines.

While walking Juan tells Pablo that he smells a Bacon Tree.

A Bacon Tree? Asks Pablo....

Juan sees the tree and runs over to go get some bacon, but he is immediately shot by an unseen sniper.

He crawls back to Pablo while he bleeds out, and when he gets there Pablo pulls him be...

I don't know what's more repugnant--the fact that I've been sleeping with members of my staff...

...or the fact that I'm self employed.

How did the KKK member guess the name of his daughter's new black boyfriend?

They played hangman.

What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse?

Abba trois...

I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...

They said "As long as you nail it."

I'm a member of the American Medical Association...

...AMA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color

He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?”

To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum”

“Thanks mum I think that is good.”

The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start sayi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

What’s the dresscode for KKK members on Halloween?

Sperm cell.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)