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Patriot Jokes

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

What does patriots stand for

Pay
All
The
Refs
In
Order
To
Succeed

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

Whats more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

Tom Brady left The Patriots

His career got deflated.

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."...

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, an...

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

I wrote an essay about American Patriotism

Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just talk about how good the old one was.

The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

What do the Patriots and an American who took an ambulance have in common?

They were crushed by the bills.

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

What do the Patriots and Measles have in common?

They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

The Patriots

The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup

What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

Lighthearted talk about patriotism...

is Star Spangled Banter

The Patriots can still win...

By Electoral College votes.

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

What do you call a Patriotic Hulk?

Dr. Star Spangled Banner

The Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl this year

I'm deflated.

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots

make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night

The Patriots are true gentlemen.

They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.

What do you call it when the Patriots run a tight formation?

The Brady Bunch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patriots owner was picked up for soliciting a prostitute.

He told the cops he didn’t think getting his balls deflated was a big deal.

what's the difference between Patriots fans and cicadas?

cicadas are only annoying every few years

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

What's the difference between patriots, eagles, and Cheerios?

Cheerios belong in a Bowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

What does a patriotic cholo love the most?

You, esse!

Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ...

They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the official electro-pop band of the New England Patriots?

Kraftjerk

That Patriots player that just got tackled in the crotch....

Is he their new leading sacker?

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

What's the best part about dating a Patriots fan?

They don't care if you cheat.

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

New England Patriots list Aaron Hernandez out for week 1.

Suspended.

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

Trump's battle against ISIS is the grand strategy equivalent of a Patriots-Cowboys game.

A lot of people you talk to somehow want both to lose.

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comrade Nichiporuk is interrogated by the KGB

An oldie but a goodie:


So, an old peasant named Mykola Nichiporuk is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Nichiporuk, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"

Mykola explains, "Well, du...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i went on a plane to florida today

someone just started masturbating mid flight and faced no consequences!

how is this not illegal?

i thought the patriot act was made to prevent high jacking

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

Did you hear they asked Aaron Hernandez if he wanted to watch the Patriots visit to The White House on the rec room TV?

He said, "No thanks I'll just hang in my cell"

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

Monday night football

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks. "Because my wife cancelled our cable."

I used to really love the United States, but I gradually tired of the decadence it was sinking into. I packed my stuff and moved somewhere else.

Now I'm an expatriot.

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

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