Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

How many Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just talk about how good the old one was.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

What does patriots stand for

Pay
All
The
Refs
In
Order
To
Succeed

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

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What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

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Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

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Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

Tom Brady left The Patriots

His career got deflated.

What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?

They’re both annoying.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

What do you call it when the Patriots run a tight formation?

The Brady Bunch

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I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.


I told him to shut his commie mouth.

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

The Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl this year

I'm deflated.

The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

Why do Patriots fans make the best spouses?

Because they don't mind if you cheat.

I'm relieved the Patriots lost...

No patriot I know would ever beat an eagle.

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Patriots owner was picked up for soliciting a prostitute.

He told the cops he didn’t think getting his balls deflated was a big deal.

What do you call a Patriotic Hulk?

Dr. Star Spangled Banner

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

The Chiefs’ defense isn’t doing well against the Patriots’ offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots

make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

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New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

What do the Patriots and Measles have in common?

They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

what's the difference between Patriots fans and cicadas?

cicadas are only annoying every few years

Why have the Patriots won so many Super Bowls?

Because the owner really likes a happy ending.

I wrote an essay about American Patriotism

Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

What's the difference between patriots, eagles, and Cheerios?

Cheerios belong in a Bowl.

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

The Patriots can still win...

By Electoral College votes.

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ...

They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wif...

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With today’s news, we have now identified two members of the Patriots franchise

Who have deflated their balls illegally.

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

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The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

Did you hear they asked Aaron Hernandez if he wanted to watch the Patriots visit to The White House on the rec room TV?

He said, "No thanks I'll just hang in my cell"

That Patriots player that just got tackled in the crotch....

Is he their new leading sacker?

Lighthearted talk about patriotism...

is Star Spangled Banter

No wonder men are more patriotic than women

we have pro-state glands.

What does a patriotic cholo love the most?

You, esse!

The French are the most patriotic country on earth.

They even use their national flag as printer paper.

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

The Patriots

The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup

The Patriots are true gentlemen.

They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."...

BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.

After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

Trump's battle against ISIS is the grand strategy equivalent of a Patriots-Cowboys game.

A lot of people you talk to somehow want both to lose.

New England Patriots list Aaron Hernandez out for week 1.

Suspended.

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

What's the best part about dating a Patriots fan?

They don't care if you cheat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

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A historical (?) meme for you

After the American Revolution, an American patriot, Ethan Allen, is invited to the house of an English lord for dinner while on a diplomatic trip to England. After dinner, he asks for someone to direct him to the bathroom. He goes in and on the wall of the bathroom there is a portrait of George Wash...

I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but

Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.

Tom Brady died

When he got to Heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Tom", said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special and walked up to his house. On ...

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

I used to really love the United States, but I gradually tired of the decadence it was sinking into. I packed my stuff and moved somewhere else.

Now I'm an expatriot.

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

Did you hear about the patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country?

He joined the Marine Corpse.

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

An FBI chief is informed there is a traitor in his staff.

He decides to test 3 agents he suspects.

He sits down the first agent in his office and asks him:

Chief: "Are you a patriot?"

Agent: "Yes sir, I am."

Chief: "Do you love more, your country or your family?"

Agent: "My country sir!"

Chief: "Alright, take t...

I am trying to come up with a joke about the Patriots not winning the Super Bowl but..

I keep having a giant problem with the punchline

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

What do you call a group of men who love their country and also love Bukake parties?

Cum-patriots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle...

He rubs it and a genie pops out. “I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me,” says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he’s very patriotic, decided on his first wish. “I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!” he declares. “Very well,” says the genie. “And your second wi...

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